Doctor Hackenstein (1988)

The eighties had a lot of attempts at horror comedy. Some of them like Return of the Living Dead or Frankenhooker worked really well. Others not so much. Horror movies can be hard but nothing is harder then making an audience laugh so trying to jam them both together isn’t an easy task to take on. How well did Doctor Hackenstein handle this? Lets take a look.

The movie opens with Hackenstein hosting Dean Slesinger, his boss at University, for supper. They talk a bit about him returning to campus and moving his lab and experiments there. There is talk about his research involving reanimation of dead tissue and bringing things back to life. Yeah, this is another comedic take on Frankenstein if you haven’t figured it out yet. The good doctor wants to return the love of his life back to the land of the living. All he has is her head though so he will have to make her a body. Though due to the incompetence of his body snatchers he is all out of spare parts to make that happen.

Luckily, a car full of young ladies gets stranded and have to spend the night at his house. Shenanigans ensue as the doctor picks the ladies off one at a time to rebuild his wife. There is also a subplot with a local police detective who is looking for the girls after arresting the body snatchers. Eventually things wrap up with some Animal House type updates on what happened to our characters after the events of the movie. The end.

I had some hope for Doctor Hackenstein but for me the movie failed as both a comedy and a horror story. They lean heavily into the jokes and while I found some of it okay like the mute housekeeper and some of the slapstick physical gags it at most elicited a snicker from me. If the point of your movie is to make the audience laugh, then you have to do much better than that. Since so much effort was spent on the attempted humor the horror elements fall flat. Other than some blood splatter there is zero gore. And while I suppose this may be a spoiler, we find out in the end that no one died! Again, I understand that they weren’t trying to be a gory and/or nasty flick but you can do both. The previously mentioned Frankenhooker walks that line perfectly combining laughs as well as horror tropes/gags.

Before anyone sits down to compose an angry email to me about how it isn’t fair that I compare this movie to others like this please stop. While I won’t debate the legitimacy of using similar flicks as a baseline, I do want to point out that this movie is referencing and lifting gags from other comedies. From the Animal House like updates to the mute housekeeper which is very similar to the Ruth Buzzi character from Murder by Death the filmmakers keep reminding us of much better movies. Hell, they even use the name pronunciation joke from the very similar and far better Young Frankenstein. This reminds me of watching independent zombie movies that insist on showing characters watching Night of the Living Dead. Stop showing me something in your movie that I would much rather be watching!

Now it isn’t all bad. There are some familiar faces including married couple Logan Ramsey (Walking Tall, Scrooged) and Anne Ramsey (Throw Momma from the Train, The Goonies) so the filmmakers had some money to hire talent. I had forgotten how funny that Anne Ramsey was. Her dialogue and delivery are top notch. Legendary Phyllis Diller shows up for a hot minute, though she is wasted here. I also wanted to mention actress Cathy Cahn who played the mute housekeeper Yolanda. Her scenes involve a lot of physical comedy and are over the top. When she is on camera there is a different energy, and the movie is simply better. Unfortunately, all of their efforts are wasted with the uninspired script and direction.

Is Doctor Hackenstein a terrible movie? Not really. I’ve seen much worse but that doesn’t mean I’d recommend spending any time on this forgettable attempt at a horror comedy. There are much better options to scratch that itch.

 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

Specters (1987)

Time for some Italian eighties horror that I’ve not seen before. The movie opens with some workers using a large boring machine to extend a subway tunnel. The vibration disturbs a nearby archaeological site which uncovers a hidden tomb beneath the ruins. This excites the leader of the expedition, Professor Lasky, who declares it as the mysterious pagan site they have been looking for. It predates even the Christian catacombs nearby. This all seems fine… right?

Well after meeting Alice, an actress working on a horror movie nearby, and her boyfriend Marcus, who works for Lasky, we then see something is wrong. There is some evil force that rises from beneath the ground terrorizing the locals. What is it and why does it start to kill? In a bit of a dialogue dump from Lasky we find out that the pagan site was a place where sacrifices were made to an ancient god of evil. So I’m figuring it is that guy getting up to bad stuff now that he has been released/disturbed. More bodies pile up, Alice is kidnapped by the god of evil, and Marcus saves the day by blowing up the site and rescuing Alice. Though it may not come as a surprise when someone tags along on their honeymoon… oh yeah I forgot to mention after saving her Marcus proposes to Alice because that is what you do in a horror flick.

Okay that sounded snarky, but I actually had fun with Specters. I mean the plot doesn’t make a ton of sense as this is your typical Italian horror movie leaning into stylistic visuals and sound design rather than a cohesive plot. Think Argento’s non Gialli efforts and some of Bava’s more esoteric movies, though I’d never say Specters is on that level. Those are the gold standard, but I’d say this one is a solid second tier example beneath them. I only mention those filmmakers as an easy comparison to let you know what you are in for if you sit down with this one. And to circle back around to the beginning there is a basic plot to follow. Dig a hole, let evil out, blow up the hole to seal it back in. There are just some hoops that you have to jump thru along the way for it to work and some of those can stretch the audience’s imagination to the breaking point. Hopefully that makes sense.

The kills in the movie are a bit tame but are creatively staged. We get a man falling thru stained glass with a throat cutting, a few folks getting ripped up by a claw appearing out of nowhere, another gets his heart ripped out, but my favorite has to be the dude in the wall. We see something grab him and later he is merged or hanging halfway out of a wall skinned. That is the best effect of the movie by far and will stick with me. We don’t see much of the evil god on screen other than the random clawed arm, but there is one reveal in backlight that hides much of the costume but gives enough for it to be satisfying. If you don’t have the budget for a creature be creative and let the audience fill in the blanks. They do that really well here.

Speaking of creative much of the tension is created with liberal use of industrial fans to create a creepy wind effect to let you know evil is present as well as some nifty sound design. The musical stingers as well as the odd sounds create an atmosphere that supports the ideas the story is attempting to sell to the audience. I like it when all the parts of a production work together like this. We also have some fun visuals including a nifty bit with the moon reflecting on the surface of water, the glowing yellow eyes to signify someone has seen something horrifying, as well as the way the tunnels and caverns are lit. Though the best is a Nightmare on Elm Street style bed attack on Alice. Yeah, I’ve seen it before but done this well it still works.

If I’m being honest the reason that I grabbed this VHS, and yes like all eighties oddities this was best watched on VHS, was the one recognizable name in the cast. Starring as Professor Lasky is the late great Donald Pleasence. I love the guy and mean no offense, but he did occasionally phone it is for a paycheck. Here in his limited screentime he is the highlight. Using his dialogue to help along the muddled plot makes a huge difference and the movie is way better when he is on screen. Unfortunately, he isn’t in much of the movie, which was a disappointment. But since I found myself on the fence with Specters his presence alone pushed it into the positives for me.

In conclusion if you dig Italian horror that leans into style (visuals, sound design) over substance (plot, narrative) then you might enjoy this movie. It certainly has that vibe and is worth a chance. On the other hand, if this sort of thing bugs you, I’d anticipate you hating Specters. Armed with this information I figure you can make your own decision. Personally, I’m glad to have watched it. Probably won’t need to ever revisit it, but still not a bad way to kill an hour and a half.

 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

The Evil Below (1989)

I’ve been in the mood for some oddball eighties movies so I’ve started digging thru my stacks of tapes to see if I can unearth any gems. I had a VHS copy of The Evil Below, which I have no idea where I acquired it, and thought I’d give it a chance. Though I’ve not had much success with South African lensed flicks other than maybe Hardware and even that wasn’t a favorite of mine I was willing to give this one a chance. Was that a mistake? Let us find out.

The movie opens with a sailing vessel, or rather a decent looking model of one, being tossed in some rough seas. Thanks to a helpful bit of text on the screen we know this is the past, specifically the sixteen hundreds. Then the action moves to a man and woman diving. They find the wreck of the ship and are killed by a giant fish. Not a shark but a toothy barracuda looking scaley bastard! I’m guessing those aren’t our main characters otherwise this was a short movie.

Now we meet our main characters. Max is a fishing boat captain that is having difficulty paying the bills. He meets a lady in a bar named Sarah in a bar and they head to her room for some groping and brief nudity before she starts to cry, and he leaves. The next day she comes to the docks to hire a boat to go looking for a treasure ship named The El Diablo. Guess who has the only available boat? Now do we get some explanation as to why she cried when they started to hook up? Hell no. This sadly will become a familiar theme.

"Thrilling" bar scene 27...

Be warned spoilers follow. As they look for the treasure they visit Max’s Dad, who is murdered. By whom and why? I can only guess that it was the bad guy a local expert on antiques named Calhoun, who also has a random henchman named Barlow. Both of whom are basically immortal supernatural creatures. Wait… why and how? It must not matter because the movie makes zero effort to explain what the hell is going on. Eventually Max and Sarah blow up the wreck which ends the curse… I think… and the movie ends.

This one is a mess. I’m not sure if the script was poorly written or if the editor didn’t know what they were doing but the results are the same. The characters jump from scene to scene without any connective narrative between them. We literally get people talking in a bar, then suddenly underwater in scuba gear, to being back on the boat talking about going to the bar. The action jumps around like this not once but throughout the entire runtime. It makes for a jumbled mess and kills any momentum that the movie might have created. Then again that was an unlikely hope for a movie that is filled with unnecessary characters. I mean what is up with the priest characters who apparently are there to die and not add anything to the story. And that is plural as in the first one dies and then his replacement also dies in the same basic way. Toss in some underwater footage that is nothing more than padding for a miserable way to spend ninety minutes.

"Thrilling" SCUBA scene 14.

The Evil Below also tries to sell itself as horror in addition to mystery and adventure. Other than the immortal bad guys and hints at a curse there is very little horror to be had here. That might explain why the kills are all offscreen and lame. There is also zero mystery here… other than me asking myself why I was watching this that is. I suppose the best way to describe the movie is as an adventure flick with little to no adventure.

I’m still struggling to find a South African produced genre flick that I dig. And yes I’ve seen Dust Devil in addition to Hardware. The Evil Below is one of the slowest and most pointless exercises in cinema that I’ve seen in a quite a while. I can’t recommend anyone spending their time and/or god forbid their money on it. This is a VHS that I should have left on the shelf collecting dust.

 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

What Waits Below (1984)

Nothing makes me happier then finding an oddball eighties science fiction or horror flick that I missed growing up. I watched a lot but with the boom of VHS there were so many movies getting made it isn’t shocking that I’ve not seen them all. That is one of the reasons I love the hobby of tracking down and reviewing so much. What Waits Below is one of those flicks that I could have eagerly grabbed off the shelf as it’s cave exploring mutant underground albino tribe story was and is right in my wheelhouse. So, what did I think? First let’s talk about the plot.

The movie opens with our hero Wolf spying on some soldiers scuba diving in what appears to be a small pond or stream. They spot him when an old friend, George, shows up to talk. This leads to a high speed chase, lots of shooting, and a crash. No worries though as our adventurous mercenaries are fine. George then tells Wolf of a high paying job with the U.S. Military. Seems they need help setting up a communication device in a cave system but need their expertise to pull it off. Why? Something about nuclear submarines and secret Cold War stuff.

None of the above really matters to the story other than to get the characters in the cave. Along the way Wolf and George pick up a couple of army guys and some anthropologists interested in the artifacts found in the cave system. When the gear is stolen and taken deeper into the cave system this group goes after it. They find some cave monster, glowing moss that is perfect for lighting a scene, and albino humans who have been isolated from the surface for thousands of years. Some folks die, lessons are learned, and the end credits roll.

The tribe

What Waits Below isn’t a good movie. The pacing is off as they meander to set up the story and when they do set off in the cave we get way too much wandering around in the “dark”. In reality this is about the brightest cave I’ve ever seen on film. Now they actually shot in a cave and not sets which you would think was a good thing. Instead it had the odd effect of them having to choose locations where they could fit their gear rather than have a flexible artificial setup. All the scenes are in the more open sections where stuff could fit and be lit. The end result is a movie set underground that doesn’t feel claustrophobic, which was a disappointment.

I also was a bit bummed that they spoil the albino underground tribe by showing them in the first attack. A little bit of mystery before a big reveal later on would have likely helped hold my interest in what I was watching. On a positive note, I did dig the rubber monsters that they encounter. They are small dog sized worm creatures but I’m always down for some latex monster mayhem.

I appreciate a good rubber monster!

The best part about the movie is some of the supporting cast. We get Timothy Bottoms as the army major who has a beef with Wolf and is going to accomplish his mission at all costs. I was also completely unaware of the fact that legendary genre actor Richard Johnson (The Haunting, Zombie) appears as one of the scientists. I was also pleased to see Lisa Blount (Prince of Darkness, Blind Fury) in a smaller role as a scientist. There was some talent involved in this one, at least in front of the camera.

Here is where things are difficult for me. Objectively What Waits Below isn’t a good movie, but I sort of liked it. It is just the sort of bad flick that I remember renting all the time when I was in high school. I don’t know if that will translate to anyone else so I can’t recommend it. That said if you like oddball eighties movies that probably lived on the VHS aisles of your local Mom and Pop rental store then maybe you will dig this one like I did. The good news is that there is a VHS rip of this currently on YouTube, so it isn’t hard to find and won’t cost you anything other than your time.

 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 (1987)

This is a sequel to a movie that I rather like. You can check my review for the original Silent Night, Deadly Night here. This movie also has it’s fans, which my review is likely going to piss off! I suppose that is a spoiler, but I feel like my criticisms aren’t going to be covering any new ground. But in case you haven’t seen this one before I might as well start with a plot synopsis… what there is of it anyway.

The killer from the original movie was named Billy. In that movie we see that he had a younger brother named Ricky. Both of them end up in a Catholic orphanage after their parents are killed by a criminal dressed as Santa Claus. He also attempts to rape the mother in front of Billy before slitting her throat. Years later when they are older and Billy has turned eighteen he gets a job at a toy store and gets put in a Santa suit. When told to do what Santa does… well you can figure it out. He starts killing anyone who is naughty and after a while pretty much anyone who gets in his way.

Now you might be asking yourself, “Why are you recapping the plot to an entirely different movie in a review for the sequel?” That is an excellent question that I’m about to answer. Most of the plot to Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 is told by Ricky to a psychiatrist after he has been arrested for going on his own homicidal rampage. So basically, we get a ton of flashbacks. In fact, the first forty minutes of this eighty eight minute long movie is just the best parts of the original cut in as his memories. Half of this sequel is recycled footage! You know I’d much rather be watching that movie than this one.

When we finally do get to the original material it is also told in flashback form. That means we get random bits with characters getting introduced to either die or date Ricky and then die. He meets an abusive boyfriend and runs him over with a jeep. Then there is a loan shark who he stabs with an umbrella. Finally he meets a pretty woman named Jennifer and they do some grown up hugging. After that she gets really annoyed at him when he murders her ex-boyfriend with a battery charger. So he strangles her with an antenna from a car. When a security guard shows up he takes his gun and shoots people until he runs out of ammo and is arrested.

Yeah got it... Garbage Day.

Though they apparently didn’t have enough new material so there is another couple random kills after he breaks out of the mental hospital where he was being interviewed. Somehow, again zero narrative in this flick just random scenes strung together, he ends up attacking the nun from the first movie who is clearly not played by the same actress we just saw in the extended flashbacks.

This is just a miserable movie to sit thru. There is zero attempts at story or character. As I’ve already stated half of this movie are the highlights from the original. When they get to the new stuff it plays like someone was making it up as they went. It gets awfully tedious watching characters appear form nowhere to die, rinse and repeat. There isn’t even a story here. None of this is helped by the fact that actor Eric Freeman is required to carry the movie. I have no idea what he was thinking but his performance is one of the worst that I’ve ever seen. He has said in interviews that he had conflicting direction about how he was supposed to portray Ricky, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But this is just terrible.

The Kills are lame.

I suppose being a slasher movie I need to talk about the kills. Just to be clear I’m ignoring all the gore from the flashback scenes. These filmmakers had nothing to do with that and I refuse to give them credit for it. Ricky is responsible for eleven deaths. Most of them are offscreen or the result of his shooting spree. These are completely uninspired and mundane, like the rest of the movie. There is a fun gag with an umbrella and the last kill has a head rolling. I mean neither are particularly great but by comparison with the rest of this mess they stand out.

If you are a fan of this movie cool. I myself also reference the legendary and badly delivered “Garbage Day” line ever Thursday night when I take out the trash. The lovely Mrs. Crappy Movie Reviews gets a kick out of it. Okay that was a lie. It annoys her much like this Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 annoys me. This one should have been binned and taken out many garbage days ago. You want to watch something cool go watch the original. That is a bit of festive fun for the whole family!

 

© Copyright John Shatzer 2023

My Best Friend is a Vampire (1987)

Every October I hit up my local big box retailer to see what manner of impulse purchase I can make to add to the annual movie marathon. Most of the time I regret my decisions. This year I made two purchases, one that I regret and this one. I suppose that is a spoiler of sorts but honestly, I’m always down for some cheesy eighties’ horror comedy mashups.

Our main character is Jeremy who we first meet while he is having a wet dream. Hey man it was the eighties! He is crushing on one of his classmates, Darla, but everything in his dream goes sideways when a mysterious lady shows up. After seeing some high school shenanigans, we follow Jeremy as he delivers groceries, yes that was a legitimate after school job back in the day, where he meets the woman of his dreams. No seriously her name is Nora, and she is the woman who interrupted his teenage fantasy. She invites him back at midnight for… well things that I guess we thought were funny and acceptable in the eighties but would now probably get her on an “offender” list.

With the encouragement of his horndog friend (another staple of the eighties) Ralph he goes back. Before things get too naughty she bites him and a vampire hunter, played by David Warner, busts in. Jeremy makes his escape, but it seems that his lady friend is dispatched and now they are on his trail. The rest of the movie is him dealing with his new powers and learning the rules with the help of his new vampire mentor Modoc. All of this is happens while he tries to date Darla and with the hunters on his trail. Silly things happen and we find out that inexplicably no one died and being a vampire isn’t so bad.

I haven’t watched this movie since the last time I rented it in the early nineties. I remember it being a harmless bit of cheese and I’ve got to say my opinion hasn’t changed. Both the humor and horror are tame with this being a PG rated flick. That means no over the top scary effects and no nudity. The pacing is solid with the characters being introduced quickly before the movie then jams them into the predictable storyline. Not once was I bored. Though the flipside to this is that I didn’t remember much about the movie before rewatching it and will probably forget it quickly again. My Best Friend is a Vampire follows the formula and checks all the boxes but does so in a strangely forgettable way that just isn’t going to stick with the viewer.

I assure you this was how the cool kids dressed

If there is one outstanding thing about the movie it has to be the cast. Our lead is a very young Robert Sean Leonard who has gone onto do movies like Dead Poets Society and television like House. There is also a weird Star Trek connection with the previously mentioned David Warner as the vampire hunter as well as Rene Auberjonois as Modoc. Both of these men have had amazing careers before and after this movie. Kathy Bates of Misery fame has a small role as Darla’s mother. Speaking of mothers Jeremy’s is played by the amazing Fannie Flag. Not only was she an excellent actress and author but was also a semiregular on my favorite gameshow of all time The Match Game! Finally, we have the actress who plays Darla. Her name is Cheryl Pollak and had a brief but memorable career starring in movies like Pump up the Volume (a personal favorite of mine) as well as the recently review Night Life. It seems weird that with all this acting talent that the movie is so generic.

I can’t imagine needing to watch this again for another few years so I’m not sure I can recommend purchasing the new Blu-Ray. But if it pops up streaming somewhere or better yet if you can find an old VHS on the cheap then it is worth a look.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

The Curse of the Screaming Dead (1982)

Also known as The Curse of the Cannibal Confederates this Troma distributed movie opens with us seeing some zombies crawl out of their graves. Well sort of since the movie is so poorly light that I couldn’t see much of anything. Then we our treated to a group of hippies or at least as hippy as you can be in the early eighties driving in a camper van. The guys are up front and talk about hunting and camping while ripping on each other. The ladies in the back talk about not liking hunting and camping while also ripping on each other. I guess these couples were meant to be.

They park the camper van, talk some, grab backpacks (guess they are leaving the camper behind) and start walking. Then they talk some more while walking. Along the way we find out that one of the ladies, who is clearly looking around, is blind. She likes the most unlikeable guy in the group, which I suppose is sort of realistic. That unlikeable guy wanders off and finds an old graveyard with a box full of Confederate stuff. He steals a diary and later that night after more talking the zombies crawl up out of the graves. It is the same footage from the beginning of the movie which I supposed was used to get your attention. The hunters/campers get chased, meet up with some cops, get eaten, and then return the diary that was stolen from the box. The movie mercifully ends though that is ninety minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. 

It was only after I watched this that I did some research and found out that Troma’s own Lloyd Kauffman considers The Curse of the Screaming Dead to be one of the worst movies in their less than illustrious catalog. Sort of wished I knew that before watching it. Aw who the hell am I kidding I’d still have sat thru this. I have some sort of mental deficiency that makes me go looking for crappy movies like this and this certainly fits that bill. 

The pacing of the movie is awful. If you don’t count the footage being stuck before the opening credits in what I suppose was an attempt by the editor to make this not as miserable nothing happens for the first fifty minutes of the movie! Okay we get to see some zombies at the thirty five minute mark, but it takes them another fifteen minutes to walk to the campsite. Seriously there is a bunch of improvised dialogue and inane character chatting sandwiched in between scenes of them walking and sitting around in tents. I think the movie was shot on 16mm film but being in the woods means there is little to no attempts at lighting. You can see a spotlight on the character’s faces but everything else around them is impossible to see. 

If the terrible dialogue isn’t bad enough there are clearly sequences where they either didn’t shoot with audio or it was unusable. That means we get some lines clearly dubbed in at different audio levels or music blaring out of nowhere to cover the fact that you no longer hear them stomping around on leaves. This is one of those flicks where you will want to have the tuner handy as you will be fidgeting with the audio throughout. But at least that gives you something to focus on since the movie itself is tedious. 

The zombies look terrible and again we can barely see them. The uniforms of the Confederate zombies are clearly Union Blue. For you non history nerds that means they are from the other side of the Civil War. When not in uniform some of the zombies are wearing flannel shirts that look right off the rack at the local Sears department store. Oh and who knew that they had tube socks during the eighteen sixties. Don’t Google it… they didn’t. The makeup effects work is slapping on as much pancake makeup until they look “clumpy” and not caring if you see only the hands and faces are covered. Not like anyone will notice the necks. I get that this is a super low budget movie, but I will continue to shout at the top of my lungs. Indy filmmakers make sure you have the resources to tell the story you are going for. Then again that would have required them to have an actual script to determine that which clearly they didn’t have. 

I could go on with the day… night… day… night continuity errors between shots. The gore being red stuff laying on the top of t-shirts and not on the skin of the actors (I guess it must have grossed someone out…). But why waste anymore time on this one. Don’t watch The Curse of the Screaming Dead. Just don’t.

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Murder by Phone (1982)

The movie opens in a subway where after helping a man to his feet a young woman answers a payphone. You know kids before we had cell phones there were public phones hanging on the walls that you would put change in to make calls. When she picks it up there is a weird sound and her eyes bleed until it explodes, and she dies. That is a way to start a movie. 

We are introduced to a professor named Bridger next. He is headed off to a big conference but before he goes a friend asks him to check with the police into his daughter’s death. Sure enough it is the girl from earlier so Bridger tells him he will and does so when he gets to town. The police aren’t very helpful at first telling him that it was a heart attack. But he doesn’t buy that since she was a healthy nineteen year old girl. This gets him to start digging and soon finds out that the phone company is covering something up. 

I suppose I should also explain that before getting broken up in the eighties the phone company was a huge monolithic monopoly that used to operate at their own pace and the customer be damned. Hell, you didn’t even own your phone as it was just a rental that you paid for each month. Don’t like it… then live without a phone. Making them the villain of this story made sense and it was believable that they would just ignore the police. You all are getting a history lesson today. 

More bodies pile up making the police, specifically detective Meara, pay attention. There is also a lady scientist from the phone company, Ridley, who acts as a source of information as well as the love interest of Bridger. Soon the three of them are chasing after the homicidal maniac that is calling folks up just to explode their noggins with his crazy invention that allows him to murder them with their phone! See how they worked the title in? 

I really wanted to like this one, but it just didn’t work for me. The story starts off fun but then bogs down as we watch our main character dig thru papers, talk to witnesses, dig thru more papers, and sneak around the phone company building. Other than brief instances of folks getting deadly calls which all play out the same way, nothing happens for most of the movie. When the authorities do finally pay attention there isn’t even any attempts to connect the killings together. I mean it does eventually sort of make sense, though some of the killings are random. I mean what did the housewife doing dishes have to do with anything? Spoiler I don’t think she did.  

Axel from MBV shows up!

Of course, the above isn’t helped by the fact that this is not only based in technology that is completely foreign to audiences today with the pay phones and giant switches used to track down where the call is coming from. It reminded me of that killer sequence in Black Christmas where they are running around a huge bank of mechanical switches trying to determine where the obscene phone call is coming from. Like that movie this one is also Canadian. Unlike that movie this one is painfully boring. Also, there is the whole bit with the phone company being so powerful that folks just don’t get anymore as that is no longer the shared experience. 

Richard Chamberlain is our lead actor playing Bridger. He is decent enough in the role. There is also a smaller supporting role from the legendary John Houseman as a colleague who is in bed with the phone company and falls afoul of the killer. Another familiar face in that of Barry Morse also makes an appearance. Finally, since this was a Canadian flick it was cool to see a young Neil Affleck aka. Axel from My Bloody Valentine in a blink and you’ll miss it role as a phone technician. 

I don’t know if Murder by Phone played better when it was released forty plus years ago, but it certainly doesn’t work now. The movie is slow, the killer generic, and the story is filled with plot points that don’t translate well. Its just not very good and I can’t recommend it. 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Tales of the Third Dimension (1984)

Movies like Tales of the Third Dimension is why I continually dig thru piles of crap looking for that diamond in the rough. I suppose that is a bit of a spoiler to lead with, but I can’t help myself. This direct to video (at least that is what the sources I have found say) is a prime example of the sorts of oddball regional flicks that were made in the early days of the home video market. This one being shot in North Carolina is an anthology, has some 3D gags in the wrap around, and is generally just silly. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The movie kicks off in a cemetery where a coffin pops open and a skeleton named Igor sits up. He speaks just like Rod Serling and sets the stage for the upcoming story as well as popping back up in between to introduce the others as well as wrapping it all up in the end. Along with Igor the cemetery has two groups of vultures. A pair that are imitating Laurel and Hardy and a trio that are clearly the Three Stooges. We get some comedy from them in each segment, and I can’t lie I laughed more than once at them.

All of this is brought to the screen with puppets that while not the greatest do get the job done. Additionally there are a few 3D gags with things popping out at the viewer that aren’t terribly distracting. Just to be clear I watched this on VHS without any 3D. That also explains the title of the movie if you think about it. Though ironically none of the stories use it at all.

Before I continue, I need to warn you that my reviews are going to contain some spoilers. I tried to figure out how to explain why I like this anthology so much without ruining any of the plot, but I couldn’t sort it out. You already know that I dig this flick so if that is a deal breaker stop here and track yourself down a copy. Cool? Okay now we can get to the good stuff.

The first story is titled Young Blood and has us following a pair of co-workers as they take an unconventional home visit in the evening to vet a potential couple for adopting a child. This is Dudley and Ms. Marquette. There is some talk of Dudley wanting her job, which is important later, as they drive to a creepy old house. When they get there it is obvious due to the cape, and bad accents that the Count and Countess are vampires. Dudley protests but Ms. Marquette clearly is under their thrall and agrees to bring them a child.

The next scene is her returning the following night with a young boy. While the Countess takes him upstairs to settle in the Count drains Ms. Marquette as a reward for her help. That seems like a bad deal to me. What is an even worse deal is when it becomes apparent that something is up with their newest acquisition. Seems that the kid is a werewolf and after killing the vampires is picked up the following morning by his father… Dudley! Guess he got that promotion.

Our host Igor!

This will be a theme for all these reviews of the individual segments, but the budget is clearly very low. Though they had a decent location, which helps sell the story. The vampires have cheesy clothes, and the fangs are costume store quality. We also don’t see the werewolf much at all as they keep it hidden. Given the lack of resources that was probably a good call. The pacing is solid and takes just enough time to setup the situation so that the twist pays off. This is my second favorite of the three.

The second story is titled The Guardians. It begins with a horse drawn hearse delivering a body to a funeral. This is to introduce us to Nigel, the gravedigger. After he has finished his job he returns to his home to find a couple of his “friends” waiting for him. Freddie and Charley have a few drinks and ask about the woman he just covered up. Specifically, about her jewelry. You can probably see where this is going. They have decided to become graverobbers and dig her up for some easy cash.

Not satisfied with this score they decide to go back and force Nigel to tell them where the hidden entrance to the catacombs under the old cemetery is located. Why? Well that seems like a much easier job then digging them all up you see. After some violence they find it and discover that there are a lot of rats… rats that like to eat people! You might have figured this out already, but it doesn’t end well for the pair. 

Of the three stories this was my least favorite. It isn’t bad but was fairly generic with a twist that you could see coming a mile away. I also feel like I’ve seen this before and done much better. Though again I must point out that the locations for this with the cemetery and tunnels were surprisingly good for a lower budget production. The only other thing of note here is the appearance of Leon Rippey (The Patriot, Eight Legged Freaks) as one of the grave robbers. He is the only recognizable face from any of these so that was fun to see.

The third and final segment is called Visions of Sugar Plums. This one was the strangest and in the end my favorite of the bunch. It is the week before Christmas and a young brother and sister are dropped off at Grandma’s house. Mom and Dad are headed out for a vacation in Hawaii and have left the kids at home. They don’t seem too annoyed by it though since Grandma is a nice lady. When she takes her pills that is. When she doesn’t she apparently becomes a homicidal maniac! Guess who ran out of pills?

Festive homicidal granny!

The rest of the movie is the increasingly crazy old lady yelling at the children before finally snapping on Christmas Eve. It is at this point she grabs a shotgun and starts to chase them down. Make no mistake she is trying to murder them both. When she runs out of shells it seems that they are safe from the wheelchair bound woman. That is until she grabs the hedge clippers! It looks as if they are doomed when she corners them and gets ready to trim their limbs all the time cackling maniacally. Then Santa Claus shows up and kills her by shooting her keister right up out of the chimney and into a nearby field!

For much of Visions of Sugar Plums I wasn’t feeling it. The story drags a bit as we slowly see her lose her mind. I also though the child actors weren’t good enough to carry the story, which they were asked to do. But when the weapons get broken out and the chase through the house begins things did pick up. And that ending, which comes out of nowhere, sealed the deal for me. I damn near fell out of my chair but in a good way. This immediately became my new go to Christmas horror movie or at least this final segment did.

Is Tales of the Third Dimension a great movie? Not at all. But there is a charm to these low budget regional movies, at least when done correctly, that I get a kick out of. This one is a perfect balance of decent storytelling, passable acting, and a tongue in cheek sensibility that appealed to me. I’m shocked that I hadn’t heard of this before but am so glad that my pack rat self picked up a copy and held onto it. I also understand that this is one of those “holy grail” tapes that collectors are always looking for. I can completely understand that. It might take some doing but if you can find a copy, I highly recommend checking it out.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Journey to the Center of the Earth (1988)

I own a lot of terrible movies. Sometimes I’m surprised by how bad they are and other times I know what I’m getting myself into. This is the latter of those choices. While I’ve never seen this movie before I had my suspicions. Partly due to Albert Pyun being the director. Let me be clear I do like some of his stuff, but he has also made some stinkers. To the best of my knowledge this is the only movie that he ever had his name taken off of. When Pyun is embarrassed to have his name on a movie that is frightening.

The action starts off in England… well actually South Africa which is standing in for England and later for Hawaii. We meet Crystina, a nanny who is in the process of getting fired. She goes back to the agency that sent her there prepared to be let go by them as well. A weird call comes in and she is sent to Hawaii… again South Africa standing in for it… to work. When she arrives there is a rock star who has hired her to take care of his baby. His baby is a dog. Okay now what?

Here we meet Richard, a young man, who along with his younger brother and sister Bryan and Sara sneak off to explore a cave. Did I mention the park they go to is closed because of the volcano erupting nearby? There is a mix up where they end up with the dog, so Crystina ends up at the park with them. For some unknown reason she goes into the cave with them. Then there is an earthquake and Sara is left on the surface while the rest of them get trapped below. This is the last time we see Sara, who must be all of five or six. They walk a bit going deeper underground until they stop. Then they have dreams which means we get what appears to be footage that didn’t fit into the cut of the movie, so they just dumped scenes in as dreams. Waste not want not I suppose.

Then Richard goes one direction and is rescued by his parents and the National Guard. How does that make sense? It doesn’t. Crystina and the younger brother, Bryan fall down a hole and land in Atlantis. They meet a bunch of characters that were in Alien from L.A. which was another Pyun directed flick from earlier in the same year. Random stuff happens that makes not a bit of sense and then suddenly Bryan is at his home watching television about Crystina getting married to a guy from Atlantis who we barely saw on screen. Seems that they have opened diplomatic relations with the surface. Wait what? I give up.

Holy shit this is an awful movie. Though it makes sense since it apparently was cobbled together from a couple of other projects to meet some contractually obligated film. The budget was cut so even the new stuff that was shot looks cheap and doesn’t fit with the footage that was left over from Alien from L.A. and feels awkward. This does make sense because it certainly seems like a project put together by accountants and lawyers to get them out from under an agreement. There is no story, characters disappear at random, and the narrative jumps all over the place. I hate to use words like trash and/or garbage when reviewing a movie but if no effort is being made to make it watchable then it seems fair. I can see why Pyun was angry enough to force his name be removed from it.

It is odd that I recognized a couple of familiar faces in this movie. Ian Mitchell-Smith from Weird Science and The Wild Life is Bryan. Charlotte Stewart of Tremors fame appears for a hot minute as the kid’s mother. Hell IMDB even claims that Emo Phillips is in this. Though honestly, I didn’t see him and I’m sure as hell not going to watch this crap again just to find him. I’ll just have to trust the internet on this one. We also get to see stills of Kathy Ireland, who was the star from the previously mentioned Alien from L.A. but don’t be fooled into thinking she is in this movie. Lots of the posters and home video covers have her on them. She isn’t in this flick at all.

How did a film company waste the talent that was available for Journey to the Center of the Earth? As best I can tell this project was lying around during the end of the Golan-Globus/Cannon era. Again, the feeling that it was finished by accountants is making a lot of sense here. I think that they were trying to squeeze any value out of the company during some rough years. Please do me a favor and make the time I spent watching this mean something by avoiding it. Let me take this one for the team. Just to be clear this movie sucks and I’m telling you not to watch it. Cool? Okay I’m going to go question my life choices now. See you next time around.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Primal Rage (1988)

I did it again. I started poking around the streaming services that I subscribe to looking for something different to watch. I found Primal Rage on Shudder and thought I’d give it a chance. I mean it is one of those Italian made but shot in America late eighties horror flicks so what could go wrong? Plus, Umberto Lenzi co-wrote the script. So really what could go wrong… no I’m asking for real. Here we go.

The movie opens with some odd upbeat music as the camera follows students at a university getting about their daily activities. We are then introduced to a young lady, Lauren, who is about to have her sweet Lebaron convertible towed. Luckily for her the local student journalist, Sam, shows up and saves the day by quoting the laws of Florida to the tow driver. These will be our main characters for the rest of the movie in case that wasn’t clear. They end up going on a double date with Duffy, Sam’s friend and fellow reporter, and Lauren’s roommate, Debbie.

Here is when things get interesting. Our journalists were investigating “monkey abuser” Dr. Etheridge, played by Bo Svenson. Duffy was bitten by a baboon that he let escape and now has some sort of brain rage virus. He gets violent and nips Debbie, who also gets the rage virus. Well things get out of hand from that point forward as more folks get infected and it all ends up at the big annual Halloween party where everyone is in costume. Of course this takes place in October as all horror movies should.

This isn’t a great movie, but it also isn’t horrible either. The story is familiar and follows the typical outbreak plot. There are a few spots that seem a bit out of place when the movie teases some typical college hijinks (along with the oddly upbeat music I’ve already mentioned). Though it does get back to the horror quickly which is for the best. We get some fun puppet work with the baboon test subject that quickly goes squish on the window of a police car. There is a bit of a lull in the action as Duffy slowly descends to madness from his bite. But once he does things pick back up as it seems other infected turn homicidal much quicker. This all leads up to a finale that honestly was a bit lacking. I don’t feel like we get a proper payoff but that could be due to budgetary restraints.

The kills range from fun to meh. The fun stuff ranges from some neck ripping, scalping of a dude in an infant costume, as well as noggin’ violence from a pole, an axe, and awesomely enough bleachers! You give me a good bleacher kill and I’m down with your movie every time. Toss in the squishy baboon, a gnarly pulsating wound, and a final gag with a water sprinkler and I was satisfied. Though I was a bit annoyed by how many of the kills take place off screen. I feel like this could have been a much bloodier flick.  

Other than Bo Svenson the cast is nothing to write home about. Even he is playing the character very subdued. I would have much rather seen him play the mad scientist with some scene chewing glee not as a softspoken academic. Not sure if that is what they were going for or if he was just there collecting a paycheck. Regardless this was a missed opportunity.

Primal Rage has a weird charm that is unique to movies made by Italian filmmakers with American locations and cast. Think Cruel Jaws or Pieces, though be clear this isn’t anywhere near as fun but is in the same vein as the latter. If that sounds good to you then this one is probably worth a watch.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Terror Eyes (1989)

The eighties had a lot of anthologies like Cat’s Eye, Body Bags, and Creepshow. But for every classic like those we had lesser filmmakers cobbling together short films with some sort of wraparound to make a feature film they could dump on the ravenous home video market. Many times they were painfully bad. Where does Terror Eyes fall? Might as well pop it in and see.

There is a wrap around story that is supposed to connect the shorts containing the meat of the movie. Here we have a woman named Eva who is an ad executive. We find out thru some dialogue that her boss has unexpectedly tasked her with writing a script to a horror movie. Why? Don’t know and it is never explained as we never see her boss. Though there is a hint that the devil or some demon is the motivation. I guess that evil needed another crappy direct to VHS horror movie release. Seriously that is the plot. We see Eva hammering away at a keyboard when a story suddenly interrupts her.

The Book of Life sees a couple getting ready to go out. Hey wait a minute… yeah that is the same actress that plays Eva as the woman dealing with her redneck husband laying on the couch. So it is going to be one of those movies where the same actors are cast in different roles. Okay movie I got it. A salesman shows up and offers them the book of life. Yeah, that isn’t spooky at all. It turns out that the book is predicting Troy’s (the lay about husband) life or maybe just letting them know what is coming. When they skip to the end it says he kills himself. In an attempt to prevent that he dumps acid on it and sure enough melts himself.

See what happened there? Yep, they jammed in one of the most predictable tropes of horror in and thought no one would notice. This story is utterly predictable and had me waiting for it to just be done with. The second the book showed up I knew exactly what was going on and sadly had seen this executed so much better elsewhere. Though the melting Troy special effect was decent and the best gag in the movie it wasn’t enough for me to change my mind. They have to get better than this right? I mean you never lead with the best story first… Damn it.

Roebuck chewing up the scenery

When the Book of Life story ends we see Eva waking up from a nightmare. Basically the same nightmare we just watched. Daniel Roebuck is her husband and was also the door to door salesman that we just saw deliver the book. She has trouble getting back to sleep and we see that someone is watching her from outside. Wait a minute. I thought this was supposed to be her listening to friends tell spooky stories when the went camping so she could steal them for her script. Now there is someone stalking her? And she just had a nightmare that had nothing to do with her friends telling stories. Movie make up your mind! They do eventually go camping so cool or maybe not.

Before her friends start telling stories her husband, Richard, goes to take a pee and a demon or maybe the devil gasses him. I’m not kidding here that is what happens. Then he takes his place and goes to the campfire to “encourage” the stories. Then they start to tell their spooky tales.

 Manny’s story is that he used to be a scumbag. He was at the track checking in with his bookie. He made some bad bets and owed big, but to pay things off with Mike (the bookie) he has agreed to sneak in and rob his wife’s safe. Seems that Mike is a kept man and wants out from under, both literally and figuratively, his older wife. When he arrives at the agreed on time, he finds the woman dead and himself framed. He had setup an alibi at a theater and runs back there. Only when he does it is the morning of the previous day. He now can replay the day out and make things right. Only being a scumbag, he doesn’t try to save the murdered woman but instead tries to manipulate it so he can get all the stolen goods for himself. Though that goes wrong, and he goes to prison. This story ends with him looking at his friends across the campfire and dropping some dialogue like “sorry you found out I’m a murderer.”

Some of the campers then go out into the woods to pee, including Eva. They find Richard’s body in the woods and are properly freaked out. When they return to the campfire and he is still there they are like, “dude you are such a dick”. But even after being told he never left and clearly realizing some shit is up they still sit down to hear the next story. I guess no one thought to write a script.

I don't remember '80s video games like this!

The last segment is Julies’ story. Her sister Alex is a chess expert who announces her crusade against a gaming company that releases games that mistreat women and reinforce little boy fantasies. You know like shitty eighties horror movies did. This movie is so meta. Really you have no idea just wait and see. After her press conference she is kidnapped by the crazy owner of the company and forced to play a game for her life. Solve the puzzles and live, fail to and die. Spoilers, she solves the puzzles and turns the table on the bad guy.

This might be the most interesting story, but it is hampered by a lack of resources. They clearly didn’t have the budget necessary to tell what was on the page and because of that things look a bit flimsy. The traps aren’t as clever as they should be and using terrible Atari 2600 video game graphics to track the progress of Alex and the dangers pursuing her looked terrible in the late eighties and haven’t aged well since. Still there is a bit of something here that did have me perked up in my chair. Props for that.

After this final story, the demon Richard jumps up and is pissed that they weren’t good enough to make into a movie, unintentionally meta. Using finger guns… I shit you not… he murders all of Eva’s friends. Then she wakes up. Apparently she fell asleep next to the campfire and dreamt the whole thing. Then we see her being interviewed after her script has been turned into a movie. The movie we just watched. Which the demon was mad that wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

In the end no one dies, nothing matters, and this was a waste of time. Though I’ll admit I had a bit of nostalgia as this is the sort of nonsense I used to rent. Sadly despite that I can’t recommend Terror Eyes.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer