Tales of the Third Dimension (1984)

Movies like Tales of the Third Dimension is why I continually dig thru piles of crap looking for that diamond in the rough. I suppose that is a bit of a spoiler to lead with, but I can’t help myself. This direct to video (at least that is what the sources I have found say) is a prime example of the sorts of oddball regional flicks that were made in the early days of the home video market. This one being shot in North Carolina is an anthology, has some 3D gags in the wrap around, and is generally just silly. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The movie kicks off in a cemetery where a coffin pops open and a skeleton named Igor sits up. He speaks just like Rod Serling and sets the stage for the upcoming story as well as popping back up in between to introduce the others as well as wrapping it all up in the end. Along with Igor the cemetery has two groups of vultures. A pair that are imitating Laurel and Hardy and a trio that are clearly the Three Stooges. We get some comedy from them in each segment, and I can’t lie I laughed more than once at them.

All of this is brought to the screen with puppets that while not the greatest do get the job done. Additionally there are a few 3D gags with things popping out at the viewer that aren’t terribly distracting. Just to be clear I watched this on VHS without any 3D. That also explains the title of the movie if you think about it. Though ironically none of the stories use it at all.

Before I continue, I need to warn you that my reviews are going to contain some spoilers. I tried to figure out how to explain why I like this anthology so much without ruining any of the plot, but I couldn’t sort it out. You already know that I dig this flick so if that is a deal breaker stop here and track yourself down a copy. Cool? Okay now we can get to the good stuff.

The first story is titled Young Blood and has us following a pair of co-workers as they take an unconventional home visit in the evening to vet a potential couple for adopting a child. This is Dudley and Ms. Marquette. There is some talk of Dudley wanting her job, which is important later, as they drive to a creepy old house. When they get there it is obvious due to the cape, and bad accents that the Count and Countess are vampires. Dudley protests but Ms. Marquette clearly is under their thrall and agrees to bring them a child.

The next scene is her returning the following night with a young boy. While the Countess takes him upstairs to settle in the Count drains Ms. Marquette as a reward for her help. That seems like a bad deal to me. What is an even worse deal is when it becomes apparent that something is up with their newest acquisition. Seems that the kid is a werewolf and after killing the vampires is picked up the following morning by his father… Dudley! Guess he got that promotion.

Our host Igor!

This will be a theme for all these reviews of the individual segments, but the budget is clearly very low. Though they had a decent location, which helps sell the story. The vampires have cheesy clothes, and the fangs are costume store quality. We also don’t see the werewolf much at all as they keep it hidden. Given the lack of resources that was probably a good call. The pacing is solid and takes just enough time to setup the situation so that the twist pays off. This is my second favorite of the three.

The second story is titled The Guardians. It begins with a horse drawn hearse delivering a body to a funeral. This is to introduce us to Nigel, the gravedigger. After he has finished his job he returns to his home to find a couple of his “friends” waiting for him. Freddie and Charley have a few drinks and ask about the woman he just covered up. Specifically, about her jewelry. You can probably see where this is going. They have decided to become graverobbers and dig her up for some easy cash.

Not satisfied with this score they decide to go back and force Nigel to tell them where the hidden entrance to the catacombs under the old cemetery is located. Why? Well that seems like a much easier job then digging them all up you see. After some violence they find it and discover that there are a lot of rats… rats that like to eat people! You might have figured this out already, but it doesn’t end well for the pair. 

Of the three stories this was my least favorite. It isn’t bad but was fairly generic with a twist that you could see coming a mile away. I also feel like I’ve seen this before and done much better. Though again I must point out that the locations for this with the cemetery and tunnels were surprisingly good for a lower budget production. The only other thing of note here is the appearance of Leon Rippey (The Patriot, Eight Legged Freaks) as one of the grave robbers. He is the only recognizable face from any of these so that was fun to see.

The third and final segment is called Visions of Sugar Plums. This one was the strangest and in the end my favorite of the bunch. It is the week before Christmas and a young brother and sister are dropped off at Grandma’s house. Mom and Dad are headed out for a vacation in Hawaii and have left the kids at home. They don’t seem too annoyed by it though since Grandma is a nice lady. When she takes her pills that is. When she doesn’t she apparently becomes a homicidal maniac! Guess who ran out of pills?

Festive homicidal granny!

The rest of the movie is the increasingly crazy old lady yelling at the children before finally snapping on Christmas Eve. It is at this point she grabs a shotgun and starts to chase them down. Make no mistake she is trying to murder them both. When she runs out of shells it seems that they are safe from the wheelchair bound woman. That is until she grabs the hedge clippers! It looks as if they are doomed when she corners them and gets ready to trim their limbs all the time cackling maniacally. Then Santa Claus shows up and kills her by shooting her keister right up out of the chimney and into a nearby field!

For much of Visions of Sugar Plums I wasn’t feeling it. The story drags a bit as we slowly see her lose her mind. I also though the child actors weren’t good enough to carry the story, which they were asked to do. But when the weapons get broken out and the chase through the house begins things did pick up. And that ending, which comes out of nowhere, sealed the deal for me. I damn near fell out of my chair but in a good way. This immediately became my new go to Christmas horror movie or at least this final segment did.

Is Tales of the Third Dimension a great movie? Not at all. But there is a charm to these low budget regional movies, at least when done correctly, that I get a kick out of. This one is a perfect balance of decent storytelling, passable acting, and a tongue in cheek sensibility that appealed to me. I’m shocked that I hadn’t heard of this before but am so glad that my pack rat self picked up a copy and held onto it. I also understand that this is one of those “holy grail” tapes that collectors are always looking for. I can completely understand that. It might take some doing but if you can find a copy, I highly recommend checking it out.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Terror Eyes (1989)

The eighties had a lot of anthologies like Cat’s Eye, Body Bags, and Creepshow. But for every classic like those we had lesser filmmakers cobbling together short films with some sort of wraparound to make a feature film they could dump on the ravenous home video market. Many times they were painfully bad. Where does Terror Eyes fall? Might as well pop it in and see.

There is a wrap around story that is supposed to connect the shorts containing the meat of the movie. Here we have a woman named Eva who is an ad executive. We find out thru some dialogue that her boss has unexpectedly tasked her with writing a script to a horror movie. Why? Don’t know and it is never explained as we never see her boss. Though there is a hint that the devil or some demon is the motivation. I guess that evil needed another crappy direct to VHS horror movie release. Seriously that is the plot. We see Eva hammering away at a keyboard when a story suddenly interrupts her.

The Book of Life sees a couple getting ready to go out. Hey wait a minute… yeah that is the same actress that plays Eva as the woman dealing with her redneck husband laying on the couch. So it is going to be one of those movies where the same actors are cast in different roles. Okay movie I got it. A salesman shows up and offers them the book of life. Yeah, that isn’t spooky at all. It turns out that the book is predicting Troy’s (the lay about husband) life or maybe just letting them know what is coming. When they skip to the end it says he kills himself. In an attempt to prevent that he dumps acid on it and sure enough melts himself.

See what happened there? Yep, they jammed in one of the most predictable tropes of horror in and thought no one would notice. This story is utterly predictable and had me waiting for it to just be done with. The second the book showed up I knew exactly what was going on and sadly had seen this executed so much better elsewhere. Though the melting Troy special effect was decent and the best gag in the movie it wasn’t enough for me to change my mind. They have to get better than this right? I mean you never lead with the best story first… Damn it.

Roebuck chewing up the scenery

When the Book of Life story ends we see Eva waking up from a nightmare. Basically the same nightmare we just watched. Daniel Roebuck is her husband and was also the door to door salesman that we just saw deliver the book. She has trouble getting back to sleep and we see that someone is watching her from outside. Wait a minute. I thought this was supposed to be her listening to friends tell spooky stories when the went camping so she could steal them for her script. Now there is someone stalking her? And she just had a nightmare that had nothing to do with her friends telling stories. Movie make up your mind! They do eventually go camping so cool or maybe not.

Before her friends start telling stories her husband, Richard, goes to take a pee and a demon or maybe the devil gasses him. I’m not kidding here that is what happens. Then he takes his place and goes to the campfire to “encourage” the stories. Then they start to tell their spooky tales.

 Manny’s story is that he used to be a scumbag. He was at the track checking in with his bookie. He made some bad bets and owed big, but to pay things off with Mike (the bookie) he has agreed to sneak in and rob his wife’s safe. Seems that Mike is a kept man and wants out from under, both literally and figuratively, his older wife. When he arrives at the agreed on time, he finds the woman dead and himself framed. He had setup an alibi at a theater and runs back there. Only when he does it is the morning of the previous day. He now can replay the day out and make things right. Only being a scumbag, he doesn’t try to save the murdered woman but instead tries to manipulate it so he can get all the stolen goods for himself. Though that goes wrong, and he goes to prison. This story ends with him looking at his friends across the campfire and dropping some dialogue like “sorry you found out I’m a murderer.”

Some of the campers then go out into the woods to pee, including Eva. They find Richard’s body in the woods and are properly freaked out. When they return to the campfire and he is still there they are like, “dude you are such a dick”. But even after being told he never left and clearly realizing some shit is up they still sit down to hear the next story. I guess no one thought to write a script.

I don't remember '80s video games like this!

The last segment is Julies’ story. Her sister Alex is a chess expert who announces her crusade against a gaming company that releases games that mistreat women and reinforce little boy fantasies. You know like shitty eighties horror movies did. This movie is so meta. Really you have no idea just wait and see. After her press conference she is kidnapped by the crazy owner of the company and forced to play a game for her life. Solve the puzzles and live, fail to and die. Spoilers, she solves the puzzles and turns the table on the bad guy.

This might be the most interesting story, but it is hampered by a lack of resources. They clearly didn’t have the budget necessary to tell what was on the page and because of that things look a bit flimsy. The traps aren’t as clever as they should be and using terrible Atari 2600 video game graphics to track the progress of Alex and the dangers pursuing her looked terrible in the late eighties and haven’t aged well since. Still there is a bit of something here that did have me perked up in my chair. Props for that.

After this final story, the demon Richard jumps up and is pissed that they weren’t good enough to make into a movie, unintentionally meta. Using finger guns… I shit you not… he murders all of Eva’s friends. Then she wakes up. Apparently she fell asleep next to the campfire and dreamt the whole thing. Then we see her being interviewed after her script has been turned into a movie. The movie we just watched. Which the demon was mad that wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

In the end no one dies, nothing matters, and this was a waste of time. Though I’ll admit I had a bit of nostalgia as this is the sort of nonsense I used to rent. Sadly despite that I can’t recommend Terror Eyes.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

V/H/S/99 (2022)

I know that these anthology movies have been a mixed bag for some folks and that there are a couple of stinkers in the franchise, but I liked the most recent entry so when this showed up on Shudder, I had to take a look. I’m going to tackle each of the segments one at a time in the order that they appear. I’ll start off each bit with the title of the individual story to keep it all organized.

Shredding. The first has us watching a garage band of kids breaking into an underground club that was shut down years before after a terrible accident killed a bunch of folks. Some of them was a band that they liked, or I suppose claim to like. I say that because after they arrive the idiots decide to do some really dumb stuff that angers the ghosts of the band which leads to them coming back and bloody mayhem ensues.

I didn’t like this one at all. There are some neat looking creatures on a budget and some attempts at gore but the way it was shot makes it impossible to follow. I get it is found footage and that the camera is going to bounce around but to then double down on a silly effect to make it look like it was recorded over other stuff that keeps interrupting and bleeding into the picture was bad. I couldn’t tell what the hell I was supposed to be paying attention to.

Suicide Bid. Next up we see an unpopular, or at least it is hinted she is, girl attempting to join a sorority. I guess they call this a “suicide bid” since she is only trying to join the one and is banking her entire social life on making it in. The sisters at the sorority take her to a spooky graveyard and tell her the story of it being haunted by a girl that was buried alive. She needs to climb in a coffin and be buried alive for the night. But we see they are just messing with her. Sure they put her in the coffin and made it seem like she was buried alive, but she wasn’t and they are just hazing her. Though when the cops show up it goes sideways.

This one pushed my buttons. I have a bit of claustrophobia so her being crammed into the coffin is already a bit freaky. But when they add water into the mix (it rains and the box floods) that had me squirming. Of course, we also get a ghost/zombie creature and a fun twist tossed in as well. While not perfect this one was worth my time.

Ozzy’s Dungeon. Remember those weird Nickelodeon gameshows that were geared to kids? Imagine if there was an underground version of that where bad things happened to those who lost but the reward was getting a wish granted by an all-powerful creature called Ozzy. We watch a young woman participate in the show while being cheered on by family. It doesn’t go well, and she ends up with a nasty looking broken leg and loses the game. The action moves to a later time where the girl’s family has kidnapped the host for ruining her life. Some gross stuff happens, and they end up getting her a wish from Ozzy. But that may have been a huge mistake.

I’m not fond of the ending, which seems forced and is unexplained. But there is some gross stuff in this one including that busted leg that gets twisted around again and again. If you don’t like seeing broken bones in your movies, then you will want to hit the fast forward button here. We also get some fun with acid, crawling thru poop, and a monster that is impressive for the lower budget that these filmmakers were working with. Finally, the actress that plays the mother is awesome.

The Gawkers. Next up is a pervy teenager who uses his camera to spy on his neighbors and overall is just a creeper. He and his friends set their sights on the hottie that moved across the street as we see them sneaking peeks at her in the swimming pool wearing her bikini. When his little brother helps her setup her new iMac (it was fun to see the old shipping box… nice touch) they install spyware that lets them use her webcam to be even more creepy. Though they get way more than they bargained for.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned. I loved this one. It dusts off a monster that is hardly ever used in movies. I dug the fact that these filmmakers were thinking outside the box. If you are wondering why I’m delaying in mentioning the creature it is to make sure that no one sees it before processing my spoiler warning above. Okay now is the time. There is a freaking Medusa in this flick! How cool is that? I didn’t see it coming, though they certainly gave us enough hints. The monster and it’s kills are brought to the screen nicely. This was a satisfying and entertaining inclusion in the movie.

Mabel rules!

To Hell and Back. Finally, we have saved the best for last. Some documentary filmmakers are invited by a cult to film their summoning of a demon into one of their willing members. Things go sideways and the pair somehow find themselves in Hell. Luckily, they meet a friendly demon that helps them find their way back home by hitching a ride with the summoned demon back to our world. Seems simple, doesn’t it? Well, there are complications and it doesn’t end well for our duo.

Recently I covered a found footage movie called Deadstream from directors Joseph and Vanessa Winter. This is their segment for this anthology, and it is an absolute blast. The sheer amount of creatures and gore in this one is amazing. We get several demons, dozens of bodies, stabbings, and a CGI demon in the shadows that all work perfectly. These are filmmakers who have a knack for squeezing every penny out of their budget and I can’t wait to see what they do next. I was also happy to see that they brought actress Melanie Stone in to play the helpful demon Mabel. She was great in Deadstream playing a creepy ghost and does an equally excellent job here as a demon. V/H/S/99 goes out strong with this segment.

This was such a great time that I’m obviously recommending it. That first story is weak but push thru that and there are some gems here. If they can keep making good quality horror on a budget I hope that this series never ends. As I’ve already mentioned this is streaming on Shudder. Give it a chance.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Master of Horror (1965)

Time to check out an anthology that I’ve never heard of before. Master of Horror was originally released in Argentina in the late fifties. In sixty-five it was recut dropping one of the three segments and dubbed for a U.S. release. The stories were adaptations of Edgar Allen Poe tales with The Case of Mr. Valdemar and The Cask of Amontillado being the pair that made the cut.

First up is The Case of Mr. Valdemar. In this one we are introduced to a doctor who thinks he can use hypnotism to cure insanity. He goes to an insane asylum and does his magic on a woman patient there. It works too well as she wakes up during the night sane and dies of fright when she realizes she is locked up in the nut house. Discouraged he is visited by his friend Valdemar who tries to encourage him. During that discussion his impending death from an incurable disease comes up. The pair decide that Valdemar will by hypnotized right before he dies to see if they can prevent it. That isn’t going to end well.

This isn’t too bad. The story drags a bit, but overall, I was interested. I’ve read the story, so I knew what was coming. Still the adaptation was decent enough to keep my attention. This is a low budget affair with minimal sets/locations. It leans heavily on the cast to sell the scenes to the audience, which they do. That said the payoff at the end when the long dead but still talking Valdemar is snapped out of his trance was decent. He basically melts/decomposes in front of his doctors. Simple effect but sometimes those are the best kind. I rather liked it.

The second story was The Cask of Amontillado. When a salesman rolls into a small town and starts to romance a married woman her husband takes notice. The boastful man talks about his knowledge of wine and since the husband runs a successful vineyard he offers to take the man into his cellar to sample the finest examples from his private stash. It isn’t until they are down there that it becomes clear it is a setup. The husband knew all along that his wife and the salesman were canoodling and is determined to make them pay. Thus comes the infamous “walled up alive in the cellar” bit that even the most casual Poe fan recognizes. 

They took some liberties with this story when adapting it to the screen. I get why since the source material is light on backstory and motivation, but I only wish they had done a better job. I can’t say that the story grinds to a halt because it never gets rolling at all. I was never interested in the characters and the illicit frolicking of the lovers feels nothing more than filler before they get to the good stuff. The actors are okay, but I never felt like there was any horror in the man being walled up. Not even when the fate of the wife is revealed to him. Unlike the first story the cast here doesn’t sell it and that made for a tedious watch.

Clocking in at a total of sixty-one minutes Master of Horror isn’t a big commitment. The first story is worth a watch so despite my disappointment with The Cast of Amontillado I’m still going to recommend tracking this one down. It can be a bit of a hassle finding a copy but if like me you are always on the lookout for cinematic oddities, I think it is worth the effort. What I need to do now is find the original cut with all three stories and some English subtitles. 

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Twice-Told Tales (1963)

I’m a huge fan of Vincent Price and I love the collaborations he did in the sixties with Roger Corman. They were very popular which is why a different company and director, Sidney Salkow, recruited him to be in this anthology of creepy stories. How did it turn out?

Well honestly not very good. We get three stories in this one based on stories from Nathaniel Hawthorne. The first has a doctor and his friend toasting each other in their old age. Heidegger, played by Sebastian Cabot, pines after his fiancé who died on the eve of their wedding many years before. Thru a series of odd occurrences their attention is drawn to her tomb where they find that she hasn’t decayed at all over the decades! This is attributed to some water that has been dripping on her coffin. They figure out this water also makes them young again and brings her back to life. Secrets are revealed that leads to a predictable, “be careful what you wish for” ending.

The highlight of this segment are the performances of Price and Cabot. They are pretty good together. Though I don’t think Cabot had the jealous revenge seeking spurned fiancé performance in him. I just did buy it. The story is tight but is heavy on the melodrama and at times was a struggle to get thru. Though at least Price is in a lot of this one and that is a bonus. 

Price and Cabot are great!

The second story unfortunately isn’t as lucky. Here we have a man who sees a beautiful woman in the garden below his balcony. The garden is locked so he can’t get in and she apparently can’t get out. Though the two do strike up a conversation that leads to them falling in love. The young man refuses to give up on her and sneaks into the garden. Here we find out that her father, played by Price, used his skill as a chemist to make her very touch poisonous. If she touches you then you die. After much hand wringing and professing of love we get a very odd Romeo and Juliet type ending.

While we do get to see a young Brett Halsey, whom most of you here will recognize from his later collaborations with Fulci, we don’t see enough of Price. Without him and his back and forth with the rest of the cast I found this one to be drawn out and tedious. I could see what was coming and couldn’t wait for it to be over. This was my least favorite of the three.

The third and final segment is by far the best. Price plays a man returned to his ancestral home after squandering his inheritance. He is determined to find the legendary treasure hidden there so he can get back on his feet. With him is his wife, played by the very lovely Beverly Garland, whom he doesn’t treat all that well. This is especially so after she seems to have some strange connection to the ancestor and neighbor from a rival family. Oh yeah and there is a family curse connected to both families that ends up playing an important part to the story.

Never ignore a curse...

Here we get to see vintage Vincent Price. He gets to chew up the scenery as the scheming husband looking for a quick payday. He doesn’t care what he has to do or who gets hurt as long as he gets his money. His dismissal of the curse and family history is done so with an arrogance that only he can make frustrating and charming at the same time. Plus, we get a neat haunted house, unrequited love, hidden treasure, curses, and even an evil sister. They packed a lot of good stuff in here. I only wish that they had made the same effort on the other two.

Despite how much I liked the last segment I can’t recommend sitting thru a two-hour long movie just for it. There are much better examples of Vincent Price being evil and creepy then Twice-Told Tales. Still if you must watch it stick with it until the end, because there is a decent payoff. Until next time my friends.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Tales of Terror (1962)

This is a fantastic anthology of horror tales all starring Vincent Price in different roles. He also narrates the bit in between to tie them together. These are all supposed to reference death in some way. Oh and if Price isn’t a big enough draw for you this is also a Roger Corman production so you have two of the best right there.

The first story is about what happens after death. A young lady arrives at a spooky old house by carriage and is dropped off. She knocks on the door and is greeted by her father, played by Price. He is very cold to her, and we find out that he blames her for the death of his wife, her mother. The woman never recovered from giving birth and died when the baby was just months old. The daughter’s name is Lenora, and she wants to reconnect with him. He is having none of it until it slips out that she is dying. This snaps him back to reality and he changes his tune. Realizing he is going to lose her as well he suddenly becomes affectionate and offers to take care of her. So, things are going to turn out well yeah? Nope.

Dear old dad was very attached to mom and kept her body in an upstairs bedroom. This is disturbing to Lenora, but what is worse is that the spirit of mom comes to life and either posses Lenora’s body or steals her life essence. Apparently, she didn’t like her daughter either. Some crazy stuff happens, and the house burns down… basically everyone dies. Sort of a bummer.

This story is very well shot with excellent sets. Price is great in his role with his performance adding to the creepiness. This is yet another example of where he is able to not only rise above what is honestly a melodramatic story and make you believe it is reasonable. His character goes from horrible to loving in such a short time that a lesser actor would have made that seem unlikely or impossible. The ghost stuff is good with the decayed body on the bed and neat use of shadows to show the ethereal creature moving around the old house. This is a good time.

The second story has to do about what happens before death. Peter Lorre co-stars with Price and plays a drunk who is abusive towards his wife and spends all their money on wine. One night when he is out of cash, he stumbles into a wine tasting convention where the attendees laugh at him. Though he takes on the most arrogant and fanciest of them, played by Price. Despite being an uncouth alcoholic Lorre’s character can identify the wine and shocks everyone there with his skill. When next we see them, the pair are returning to the drunk’s house where the fancy man falls for and starts an affair with his wife. The rest of the segment is Lorre’s character finding out and plotting his revenge. This is of course the classic wall them up in the cellar revenge. His big mistake is also walling up his wife’s black cat with them, so when the police come calling his perfect hiding spot for the bodies is quickly discovered and he is caught.

Price takes a back seat to Lorre in this one. Don’t get me wrong as Price is great as the wine snob, but Lorre steals the show. He ability to play the drunk is amazing. I think I’ve seen him do this in other movies before but never to this level. His line delivery is very convincing as someone who is several sheets to the wind, while at the same time still sharp. He holds his own with Price, which is amazing when you think about it. The scenes between the pair are so damn good. We have a couple of legendary actors at the top of their games tossing the dialogue back and forth. Of the three this is my favorite.

The third stars Price again as well as Basil Rathbone. Here we don’t get nearly enough of Price as he is a bedridden man who is on the verge of death. Rathbone plays an unscrupulous doctor that is trying to use the situation to his advantage. He wants to hypnotize the dying man at the moment of his death so that he can research what happens. That brings us to the theme of this story, the Sanctity of Death. Of course, the doctor is also up to shenanigans involving the soon to be widow. When he gets too rough and insistent with her after his death old zombie husband climbs out of bed and defends her.

This is very solid and I liked it, but compared to the previous two it is a bit weak. Rathbone is decent but either can’t carry the story on his own or just isn’t given much to do. Price is wasted as he spends all but the finale in bed dying. I think that is why hurts this one the most is the lack of Price. He is the reason that you watch a movie like this and to not have him play much of a part in the story is a bummer. Still, I need to stress that this isn’t terrible, just not as good as the others.

In the end I loved Tales of Terror. If you like Vincent Price and his collaborations with Roger Corman you are going to be a fan of this flick. It is beautifully shot, features some classic actors in addition to Price, and generally scratches that creepy itch that horror fans want when they sit down to a movie like this. I highly recommend Tales of Terror.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

 

Ghost Stories (2017)

I was poking around Hulu one night and saw this popup on the list. Being in the mood for a spooky movie I thought it was a perfect flick to check out. First thing that surprised me was that it was an anthology, though if I had been paying attention to the title, I suppose it should have been obvious. So as is the case when I cover one of these, I’m going to break each story down.

The wraparound story that bookends the others follows a skeptic T.V. personality whose show specializes in debunking and embarrassing the hucksters that prey on the vulnerable people. His name is Phillip Goodman and thru a series of flashbacks we see that he had a terrible relationship with his father, much of it revolving around their Jewish faith. This I think lead him into actively attacking all things supernatural. In another flashback we also see that he was inspired as a kid by another investigator named Charles Cameron. That man disappeared under mysterious circumstances while finishing up an investigation.

After watching Goodman take down a John Edwards style television psychic the story follows him as he receives a package in the mail. It is from the long missing and presumed dead Cameron. He has invited Goodman to come for a visit. He does and finds that his hero is in terrible shape both physically and mentally. He wants, almost dares Goodman to investigate three cases that lead him to believe that all the things they have been debunking are real. This leads to the three stories we are to watch.

The first case has Goodman interviewing Tony Matthews. The former night watchman at an abandoned mental institution has a spooky story to tell about the ghost he encountered one night at work. The ghostly little girl who was dumped scared and alone parallels Tony’s own daughter, who is also in the hospital. She is suffering from “locked in syndrome” which means she can’t move or interact with the world around her. After getting the bejesus scared out of him he starts to visit his daughter again, still traumatized by the events he experienced.

If the rest of the movie is going to be as good as this, I’m in for a treat. There are several jump scares and overall the atmosphere is good. This is a spooky story with doors slamming, lights going off, and a coffee mug that moves on its own. It starts off subtle and builds up to a great finish. The actor playing Tony has to carry the story as other than a voice on the radio he is the only character. He does a fantastic job pulling it off.

The Devil is annoyed

The second case is an interview with a young man named Simon Rifkin. This young man has a bad habit of stretching the truth, including if he had passed his driver’s test or not. Coming home from a party he accidentally runs over something in the road while fielding calls from his parents. If that weren’t bad enough it is hinted that it was the Devil he hit. It should come as no surprise that old scratch isn’t too happy about that and decides to let Simon know it.

Of the three this is the least scary and the weakest story. Other than one very cool bit with a hand grabbing his shoulder I didn’t find it tense at all. This one leans more into the general creepy vibe provided by the woods and the nifty bit with a tree that comes to life. Still I can’t say that this is bad I just wasn’t into it. Plus, it really isn’t a ghost story is it? Just saying…

The third and final case has Goodman visiting a man named Mike Priddle, played by Martin Freeman. He and his wife had been career people until deciding to start a family late in life. This led to medical procedures to help them conceive. She gets pregnant, but has a difficult time of it, so she ends up in a clinic under treatment. This leaves him at home alone where some creepy stuff starts happening. It leads to him seeing the ghost of his wife who had died giving birth to something not quite human. This story is told to Goodman while they were out hunting and when it is finished Priddle suddenly kills himself.

Don't wake the baby!

They saved the best for last. There are a ton of scares with this one as we not only get a ghost, but a creepy figure under a blanket, things stacking themselves, and other poltergeist shenanigans. Pay close attention as much of the best stuff is subtle and in the background behind the character. I love it when filmmakers make you really pay attention. The performance by Freeman is excellent and the way they stage things are perfect.

After this we then finish with the wraparound story. Goodman returns to Cameron angry that he has been set up. All of the stories can be explained away with guilt, paranoia, and/or depression. Here is where things go off the rails. Be warned I have some spoilers coming so you might not want to continue. Cameron stands up and rips off a mask revealing that he is Priddle… only Priddle isn’t Priddle. I know it is confusing but stick with me and I’ll explain. Goodman is caught up in some sort of personalized nightmare as Priddle/Cameron takes him back to a time when Goodman was young where he didn’t intervene, and an innocent mentally disabled kid died. He must be in some purgatory, therefore proving an afterlife… or maybe not.

There is another big reveal that shows Goodman lying on a hospital bed on life support. Thru some dialogue from his caregivers we find out he tried to kill himself, but only managed to put himself in a vegetative state. Or so they think so. All of the characters from the stories mirror those people working at the hospital so on some level Goodman must be aware of his surroundings. He isn’t trapped in some supernatural hell but an actual living one that nobody around him realizes he is in.

As much as I enjoyed the ghost stories the twist ending ruined things for me. It feels like one of those movies or shows where everything is resolved with the “you were only dreaming” trope. I was having fun with some killer ghost stories only for the movie to hit me with the reveal that nothing I just watched was real. I suppose that is a clever twist that might work for some viewers, but it annoyed me. That said I think there is a lot here to enjoy and while I’ll not watch Ghost Stories again because of how it ends the movie is still worth a look.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Holidays (2016)

I haven’t done an anthology for a while so it was time. I figure the easiest way is to break them down in order with a plot synopsis and briefly what I thought about them. Holidays has eight segments, each one covering a holiday (makes sense, right?) without a wraparound story. Might as well dive right in. Oh, and a huge warning here there are spoilers!

Valentine’s Day. An unpopular girl is being picked on by the rest of the swim team. The coach of the team tries to encourage her and later gives her a card. It is a rather harmless card, but we see that in her mind it is a romantic gesture. We also find out that in spite of looking healthy the coach has a serious heart problem. Can you see where this is going? Yeah, she decides to find him a heart and of course chooses one of her tormenters as the donor. We don’t get to see much of the attack but do get a nice shot of the heart right at the end. This was a strong way to start the movie and I rather liked it. Sadly, they weren’t all this fun.

St. Patrick’s Day. Set in Ireland the story immediately establishes the pagan nature of the legend of St. Patrick. This is important because a creepy little girl shows up in a teacher’s class. The teacher does her best to make the little girl smile, but nothing seems to work. That is until the little girl leaves a cryptic note and a snake made out of twine. Not long afterwards the teacher is pregnant after a one night stand and the little girl smiles at her. Only she is pregnant with a snake! Someone no one makes her go to the hospital and she refuses to get rid of it. When she does give birth, we find out that her one night stand and the girl are related and that they are all pagans. This wasn’t the worst of the batch but not great either.

Easter. This is the most screwed segment of any. I’m not sure what exactly the point is but we see a little girl being put to bed by her mother. She keeps asking questions and her mom keeps promising that if she goes to sleep in the morning there will be chocolate. But then the little girl says she is afraid of Jesus because he came back from the dead! Finally, she does go to sleep but wakes up later in the night. When she gets up for a drink of water she runs into the Easter Bunny who is also part Jesus… I think that is what they were going for. Since she saw him she has to take his place and I guess become the new Easter Bunny. This has the sense of something that is trying to be cool but isn’t. I really didn’t like this one at all and it has nothing to do with the religious stuff. It just didn’t make any sense.

Easter Bunny Jesus... I shit you not!

Mother’s Day. Here we find a woman that really doesn’t want kids. But somehow every time she has sex she gets pregnant no matter how many precautions she takes. A doctor recommends that she head off to a new age fertility clinic run by her sister. When she arrives they drug her, she has sex with some random guy, and they keep her captive until she gives birth. Not sure what is coming out of her because the segment ends with a man’s bloody arm popping out. This had interesting moments but in the end it didn’t make a ton of sense. Still it was better than Easter Bunny Jesus.

Father’s Day. They never explicitly say but the woman who is basically the only character in this segment was abandoned by her father. One day a package shows up with a tape that he recorded the day he left her. He was going to meet someone mysterious and mentions it is a once in a lifetime chance. The tape promises if she follows his instructions she will see him again. Of course, she does follow the tape and ends up in a creepy old building and approaches a figure sitting in a chair. Something happens and then it ends. That is about all we get here but unlike Mother’s Day enough is hinted at with the tape that it kept my interest and more importantly I didn’t feel cheated. I liked this one but not as much as the next story.

Halloween. One of the reasons that I decided to watch Holidays is because Kevin Smith directed one of the segments. I’m a big fan of his work, though his horror outings haven’t been too stellar. Though Red State kicked ass! Here we find a guy recruiting girls for his web cam porn business. He is clearly selling them a bill of goods and when he arrives back to his apartment we meet his current stable of girls. It is quickly apparent that he is an abusive scumbag. After he decides to have some fun with one of them they turn the tables on him. Next thing you know he is on the webcam and in an “uncomfortable” situation. Yeah it gets pretty twisted. This is a solid entry but the next two are the best.

Christmas. Seth Green plays a father looking for that Christmas Toy that all the kids want. He arrives too late to get the last one, but when the man who got it has a heart attack he takes advantage and makes off with the gift for his son. The toy is called a UVU (you view you) and is some kind of goggles that connect to the internet and show you stuff tailored for you. This leads to his wife finding out that he left a man to die for a toy and for Green’s character to discover something even more disturbing about her. Great entry that has a nice twist ending.

New Years. We first meet up with a man who is unstable. This is obvious when he kills the woman tied to a chair because it wasn’t working out. He must meet them on dating sites because before too long he is on another date on New Year’s Eve. He is a bit awkward while talking to her but excitedly accepts her offer to return to her apartment. Looks like we are going to see him murder another person, right? Of course not! There is a twist that every horror fan should see coming a mile away. She is crazier than him. This leads to the best gore in the movie with a foot getting chopped off and an axe to the noggin’. Good stuff.

There are some fun segments mixed in with some mediocre and confusing ones. Overall, I found the movie to be okay but not great. Unlike Creepshow or Trick-r-Treat which I own and watch every October one viewing of Holiday is enough. I’m glad I watched it off of Netflix and only invested a couple hours of my time on it. That is about all of the credit I’m willing to give. It is worth a watch but not more.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Bloodmania (2017)

I’ve known about this movie for a while now but avoided watching it. First it was the final project of one of my favorite directors, H.G. Lewis, which made me sad. This is the last new thing that I would ever see from him. Second it was an anthology with only two of the four stories being directed by him and I’ve heard bad things about the other segments. I really didn’t want the last new H.G. Lewis movie to be anything other than great. Eventually I sucked it up and checked it out.

The first story is directed by H.G. Lewis and is called Gory Story. It is a random bit of nonsense that basically exists to be bloody and do horrible things to the main character. Brewster has a hook for a hand and inexplicably it has a mind of its own. Basically, the hook makes him do terrible things on accident, mostly to himself. Though he has a hook because he tried to cut off his cheating girlfriend’s hand with a chainsaw and lopped his own off instead. So maybe he is just a klutz.

As one would expect from a story from H.G. Lewis this has a lot of gore in it. Brewster not only lops his hand off in a flashback, but he also loses an eye, gets puked on by a kid, and gets his legs run over. For the most part the effects work is practical but done on the cheap. The latter is important because that is what I want from an H.G. Lewis flick, lots of cheap gore. There is also a bad pun towards the end that made me groan and giggle simultaneously. So far, I’m digging the movie.

Next up is Attack of Conscience. Time for the first segment that Lewis didn’t have a hand in. This is an odd story where we see the same woman being killed by the man that she loves in different scenarios. She is killed in a car wreck that he causes, tossed off a roof, nailed to the wall and burned alive. It ends when he finally just shoots her. It all is very confusing until we realize that she is in a coma. Thru some narration by the doctor taking care of her we find out that she did something violent to the man and his new girlfriend before ending up in a coma. I guess what we see is her in purgatory of sorts, so I suppose the title makes sense.

This story seems like it wanted to be deeper than the budget allowed it to be. Attack of Conscience attempts to have a dreamlike vibe and explore the concepts of guilt and eternal punishment. Any chance as success is ruined by the lousy CGI gore, mediocre acting, and an inexplicably stupid end credits sequence that revisits this segment and kills any impact the story might have retained. I appreciate that this was an attempt to do something different, but it failed miserably.

H.G. Lewis returns as director for the next segment called The Night Hag. After seeing an older couple being killed by something mysterious, we see a new family has moved into the same home. The mother is disturbed by the house and warns her children not to fall asleep. Dad is obviously perturbed by this and sneaks some medicine into her drink so she can sleep. Big mistake as a creepy figure crawls out from the walls and starts to eat his wife’s hair! More weird stuff happens until the couple’s young daughters come to the rescue with some hair remover. I guess they were listening to Mom and were ready to do battle?

Now this is an H.G. Lewis movie!

Other than an odd choice of playing the death of the older couple as a sitcom, complete with a laugh track, this is by far the best entry. Ironically it also has the least amount of gore from the four segments. Lewis instead gives us a very creepy and scary story with a creature that is well designed and frightening. The Night Hag was done with the same low budget as the other stories but looks amazing on screen. While we do get on head ripped off as a highlight of the effects work what really pops the creature design. It is the star of this segment and kicks butt. I found it cool to see that even at the end of his career Lewis had other things to offer rather than just the over the top blood and guts that made him the Godfather of Gore.

Things end up with Gorgeous, a heartwarming story about an all-girl rock band and their homicidal manager who ends up killing everyone in sight. The girls are about to hit it big and decide to go with a younger and hipper representative who understands them and the audience better. But their old manager isn’t going to be tossed away so easily. His last day on the job is also the day they are going to shoot their big music video, so he decides that is as good a day as any to start killing them off. From here it becomes your typical stalk and kill flick. Nothing wrong with that and very satisfying.

This is the most “H.G. Lewis” of the bunch. Over the top gore with a killer spouting odd catch phrases and gleefully murdering his way thru the story. Hands get cut off, a throat gets slashed, intestines are pulled out, and damage is done to an eye! There is tons of nudity which is also fun. The killer, Gordo, keeps crowing “Cock-a-Doodle-Doo” and acting like a fool as he commits his murders. Basically, being awesome in that over the top silly way that I want when watching anything with H.G. Lewis’ name on it. While I still dig The Night Hag the most this is a close second.

All four segments tied together with a wraparound of H.G. Lewis introducing and commenting on what we have just or are about to watch. I was very worried about Bloodmania being a poor way to say goodbye to a legend like Lewis, but they nailed it. Even my least favorite of the four isn’t horrible and the last two kick so much butt that they more than make up for it. This ended up being a great farewell to a legendary director.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Skeletons in the Closet (2018)

At the most recent Cinema Wasteland Show I kept noticing a table setup by director Tony Wash promoting his latest project, Skeletons in the Closet. After watching the trailer a couple of times, I went over and talked to him. It didn’t take more than a couple of minutes before I was sold on the movie. An independent horror anthology seems like a no brainer and I’ve been on such a kick with these that I couldn’t pass up the chance to check this out. What is even more exciting is that Wash has assembled a group of independent filmmakers for this project. Not only do we get to see his work, but also that of B.A. Lewandowski, Rhiann Lynn Owen, and Robert Patrick Stern. I love it when I get to see so many people working and doing interesting things. 

All the best anthologies have a good wrap around story. Here we have a young girl being babysat by an annoyed teenager. The girl is watching her favorite late-night horror hosted show, Skeletons in the Closet, while the sitter kills time. The hosts are The Widow and her dead husband Charlie, who is now a zombie and has some rather sarcastic things to say. But then he is dead so we should all cut him some slack. They are presenting the stories that both the characters and we the audience are watching.

The first story is from director Wash and has a little girl spending a couple of days with her grandmother. When she and her mother arrive at the house it is clear that there is some unpleasant history between her mother and her grandmother. There is some family baggage that has never been dealt with and it seems that the grandmother is angry with her daughter over her close relationship with her father. This is reinforced when we find out that he has recently died and that she never told her. There is a big fight and things come to a head.

The story is a bit thin and I was disappointed that the big twist wasn’t explained in more detail. That said the young actress, Lia Sullivan, is really good and the gore is very effective. You have someone being butchered on a table in a scene that is very reminiscent of Waxwork II. That one has stuck with me for many years, as I think this will. This was certainly found a fun way to kick things off and I can’t wait to see what is next.

The next story from director Owen is very short, but packs a lot in. We watch as a woman is tied to a chair and in fear for her life as her abusive husband comes home. He is apparently up to no good, but luckily, she breaks free in time to defend herself. She grabs the closest weapon and is able to stab him to death before he can kill her. But then we find out that this was all a setup and he wasn’t a bad guy. We see her practicing an explanation why she had to murder him. But wait because this is a double fake out as this was all in her head as the action rewinds and we see she was working on a script and that her husband just came downstairs to ask when supper would be ready.

This is one creepy Grandmother!

Was this just a screenplay? Is she just fantasizing about killing her husband? Or is she really planning something? It is never explained, and I think that I’m okay with that. This feels like one of those horror short stories where the author leaves you wondering what really happened. While it is brief, we do get to see some blood and I thought it was shot and staged well. This was fun and you can’t ask for much more than that.  

The final story is I think a combination of work from directors Lewandowski, Wash, and Stern. It has a couple criminals hiding out in a haunted junkyard. They are running from the law and know that the police won’t follow them in as the ghost hates cops. Of course, the ghost doesn’t like trespassers either which doesn’t bode well for them. Well at least one of them anyways as the other seems to be in cahoots with the vengeful spirit. The one that isn’t in on it gets tied to a chair and bad things happen to him. Not sure what that is since it is all unseen when the camera work suddenly goes first person blocking out the good stuff. It is also hinted that he is the father to the girl in the first story and the reason she and her mother end up at grandma’s house. It is a tenuous connection at best.

This feels like a couple different stories, which makes sense because it is. Things kick off with the robbers hiding out in the junkyard and is shot as a traditional movie (directed by Lewandowski). After some spooky stuff then the transition happens to the POV of the character strapped in the chair (directed by Wash and Stern). This is my least favorite part of the movie. I’m not a fan of the camera work as it gets very shaky and hard to follow. I also feel a bit cheated and a lot of things are implied but hardly shown. Is the man in hell or are these just crazy people? I was interested enough to want to know, so they had me there. But then it never resolves or connects in any meaningful way. This just feels awkward and disappointing. Then again I'm not a fan of this kind of filmmaking so it might just be me.

Our horror hosts for the evening

After this the action goes back to the girl watching the show. She has had just about enough of her babysitter making snide remakes and being a teenager (they do get on my nerves too!) so makes her a very special cup of coco that sure enough is poisoned. After offing the distraction, she goes back to watching television and we get to see the Widow and Charlie wrap up their show. The credits roll and that is it. Or is it? There is something on the news at the beginning of the movie about an escaped mental patient and during the intermissions between stories we seen a POV shot of someone lurking around the house watching the girl and her sitter. In a bit of post credit fun, we see that the girl might get what is coming to her.

Much like the first story the young actress in the wrap around story, Alaina Karner, is very good. She is gleefully evil in how she dispatches her sitter. I also wanted to mention how much I liked the makeup on the dead husband/co-host Charlie. It is a basic skull mask over an actor’s face, but it looks cool. Ellie Church is a go to independent film actress and never disappoints including her turn here as the Widow. This wrap around is very strong and connects the other stories as well as delivering some laughs and fun itself.

I think that Skeletons in the Closet is decent and worth checking out. Does it have some flaws? Yes, it does. Independent filmmakers have to take some chances and stretch their budgets. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. But overall the movie is a good time and has some creepy moments that most horror fans will dig. I going to recommend the movie and remind everyone that if we don’t support movies like this all we are going to get is the same recycled ghost movies filled with jump scares again and again from the big studios. I can’t speak for everyone, but I want something different now and then damn it!

© Copyright 2019 John Shatzer