Christmas Presence (2018)

More holiday horrors. This English production starts off with a couple of young girls playing in the woods. Seemingly one of them is grabbed by a tree or something before the setting moves to years later. McKenzie has booked a house for her friends to party at during the Christmas season. In case you were wondering she is one of the little girls from earlier now all grown up. He father has recently died so everyone is coming to cheer her up. To that end she has rented a house in the country. I’m sure that it’s close proximity to her sister’s place of disappearance wont’ be important.

After meeting the other characters we are then given multiple party montages with drinking, snarky comments, and even an impromptu lingerie show! One of them is a clothes designer who gifts his friends clothes from his new line. There is a lot of talk about gender, politics, and being gay. None of this particularly bothered me for the content. I just mention it because between that and the extended party scenes it takes far too long to get to any of the spooky stuff. Though eventually Hugo, the fashion designer, disappears and they split up to go looking for him. So here we go with the horror… right? Nope they all wander around, some feelings are discussed, and eventually they return back to the house.

After a while they find his body by the woodpile where I guess they never thought to look earlier. That is when the spooky stuff starts to happen. There is some malevolent force picking them off one at a time. They all see something different as it uses their greatest fear to kill them. Though some of them are a stretch. I mean the claustrophobic girl dying by a couch “eating” her! Sure she suffocates but is that really the best they could do? If they had been playing this for laughs maybe but this is supposed to be serious.

Eventually we find out there is a local caretaker who I guess worships Satan, honestly one throwaway line ten seconds before the end credits roll is all we get. He is there to clean up the bodies after they are murdered. To answer my question from earlier the location near the sister’s disappearance ends up not being important at all. They never tie her the Satanist and other than being McKenzie’s fear. She has guilt over leaving her, which is never completely explained either. So, in the end it seemingly is a random coincidence.

Not a fan of this one. The story does have an interesting germ of an idea at it’s core but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. I was unsatisfied with the limited screentime that the Satan worshipping caretaker gets. He actually seemed like an interesting fella but is hardly onscreen. Instead, we are treated to a bunch of uninteresting caricatures with McKenzie and her friends. I don’t blame the cast as they all seem to be doing their best with the paper thin story and terrible dialogue. I just didn’t buy that these folks would actually be friends and want to hang out. The fact that the movie doubles down and tries to make the plot more about the drama in their lives and less about the horror just added to how tedious sitting thru Christmas Presence was.

The visuals are stunning

The deaths in this movie are fairly tame. Many happen off screen and others are just odd. I’ve already mentioned the death by couch but have you ever seen a death by coughing up buttons? Like actual buttons from a cardigan! Maybe I missed something but was it established that the character had a phobia about buttons? I did find one particular kill with a character slashing his own throat only to be stabbed and hacked after dropping to the ground to be solid. The final kill in the movie has a Wicker Man vibe to it but is poorly done. Again, I feel the need to remind filmmakers to never remind the audience of a much better movie they’d rather be watching. This was a terrible way to end the movie and left me even more disappointed in what I had just watched.

While most of my review has been negative I will give the movie some credit. It is beautifully shot. They certainly know how to make the woods and old house look and feel creepy. Some of the creature effects are good as well. But in the end this one starts off slow and ends with a whimper. I can’t recommend Christmas Presence.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 (1987)

This is a sequel to a movie that I rather like. You can check my review for the original Silent Night, Deadly Night here. This movie also has it’s fans, which my review is likely going to piss off! I suppose that is a spoiler, but I feel like my criticisms aren’t going to be covering any new ground. But in case you haven’t seen this one before I might as well start with a plot synopsis… what there is of it anyway.

The killer from the original movie was named Billy. In that movie we see that he had a younger brother named Ricky. Both of them end up in a Catholic orphanage after their parents are killed by a criminal dressed as Santa Claus. He also attempts to rape the mother in front of Billy before slitting her throat. Years later when they are older and Billy has turned eighteen he gets a job at a toy store and gets put in a Santa suit. When told to do what Santa does… well you can figure it out. He starts killing anyone who is naughty and after a while pretty much anyone who gets in his way.

Now you might be asking yourself, “Why are you recapping the plot to an entirely different movie in a review for the sequel?” That is an excellent question that I’m about to answer. Most of the plot to Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 is told by Ricky to a psychiatrist after he has been arrested for going on his own homicidal rampage. So basically, we get a ton of flashbacks. In fact, the first forty minutes of this eighty eight minute long movie is just the best parts of the original cut in as his memories. Half of this sequel is recycled footage! You know I’d much rather be watching that movie than this one.

When we finally do get to the original material it is also told in flashback form. That means we get random bits with characters getting introduced to either die or date Ricky and then die. He meets an abusive boyfriend and runs him over with a jeep. Then there is a loan shark who he stabs with an umbrella. Finally he meets a pretty woman named Jennifer and they do some grown up hugging. After that she gets really annoyed at him when he murders her ex-boyfriend with a battery charger. So he strangles her with an antenna from a car. When a security guard shows up he takes his gun and shoots people until he runs out of ammo and is arrested.

Yeah got it... Garbage Day.

Though they apparently didn’t have enough new material so there is another couple random kills after he breaks out of the mental hospital where he was being interviewed. Somehow, again zero narrative in this flick just random scenes strung together, he ends up attacking the nun from the first movie who is clearly not played by the same actress we just saw in the extended flashbacks.

This is just a miserable movie to sit thru. There is zero attempts at story or character. As I’ve already stated half of this movie are the highlights from the original. When they get to the new stuff it plays like someone was making it up as they went. It gets awfully tedious watching characters appear form nowhere to die, rinse and repeat. There isn’t even a story here. None of this is helped by the fact that actor Eric Freeman is required to carry the movie. I have no idea what he was thinking but his performance is one of the worst that I’ve ever seen. He has said in interviews that he had conflicting direction about how he was supposed to portray Ricky, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But this is just terrible.

The Kills are lame.

I suppose being a slasher movie I need to talk about the kills. Just to be clear I’m ignoring all the gore from the flashback scenes. These filmmakers had nothing to do with that and I refuse to give them credit for it. Ricky is responsible for eleven deaths. Most of them are offscreen or the result of his shooting spree. These are completely uninspired and mundane, like the rest of the movie. There is a fun gag with an umbrella and the last kill has a head rolling. I mean neither are particularly great but by comparison with the rest of this mess they stand out.

If you are a fan of this movie cool. I myself also reference the legendary and badly delivered “Garbage Day” line ever Thursday night when I take out the trash. The lovely Mrs. Crappy Movie Reviews gets a kick out of it. Okay that was a lie. It annoys her much like this Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 annoys me. This one should have been binned and taken out many garbage days ago. You want to watch something cool go watch the original. That is a bit of festive fun for the whole family!

 

© Copyright John Shatzer 2023

It’s a Wonderful Knife (2023)

Continuing with some holiday horror I thought I’d check out this flick that just dropped on Shudder. I mean it has a catchy name and some familiar faces so why not? I mean I’m sure it is all gimmick and not very good… but then again, I could be wrong. 

We meet the members of a couple of families the Waters, and the Carruthers. Henry Waters, played by Justin Long (one of those familiar faces), is the mayor of Angle Falls and is a bit of a sleaze bag. No spoilers there as he is clearly trying to muscle in on the family-owned business’s downtown to remake Angel Falls into his own vision. The Carruthers are led by dad David, mom Judy and siblings Winnie and Jimmy. Well on Christmas a crazed killer wearing an angel costume murders and elderly man and then goes after Winnie and her friends. Though she manages to stop the murderer and reveal he was Henry, who clearly had a screw loose. But not before her best friend Cara dies. 

Now here is where the take on another famous holiday movie comes into play. A year later everyone but Winnie has moved on. She however isn’t in the mood for the holidays and after a big blow up with her family wishes she was never born. See what they did there? Any who without her stopping the killer due to never existing the town of Angel Falls has gone right to hell. The murders have hit twenty-six or twenty-seven (the characters can’t decide…) and Mayor Waters has taken control of the downtown. 

Since we already know who the killer is they just explain that he was targeting families who had property or businesses that he wanted to take. So it was all about money at least at first. Along the way she befriends the weird girl Bernie, finds out a secret about her boyfriend, and generally learns to appreciate her life, despite the murders. There are a few twists that I didn’t see coming before we get the happy ending with Winnie reuniting with her family in a world where she was born. I mean it is still a year later and a bunch of folks are dead… Merry Christmas?

Okay I know that I sounded a bit snarky in my plot synopsis. It may have also been a bit vague on details but that is because I really liked It’s a Wonderful Knife and don’t want to spoil it. The story is surprisingly sweet for having a body count of ten! Sure there are some brutal deaths, but we also get valuable life lessons in between the murders. Now that might seem like something that can’t and shouldn’t be able to exists together, but the story is so cleverly written that it does. I had expected a lazy cash in on a nod to a classic but there was real thought put into the characters, twists to mess with audience expectations, and dialogue. Nothing feels forced here, not even when an exchange like, “You are my George Bailey.” “Will you be my Clarence.” It feels natural and a connection the characters would make. This is what happens when a talented writer, in this case Michael Kennedy, is given time to flesh out character and story. 

Most of the cast is made of younger actors and actresses that I’ve not seen before. There are a few familiar faces with the previously mentioned Justin Long appearing. We also get Joel McHale as David Carruthers. I don’t believe that people give him enough credit as he is normally solid in any role he is given, and this movie is no different. There is also a very short buy memorable appearance from William B. Davis as an early victim of the killer. Who doesn’t love to see the Cigarette Man show up now and again? 

The kills are spaced out and decent enough. These aren’t classics like the old days, and they lean too much into digital for my taste. But there are a lot and many of them are cleverly conceived. The highlights for me are an eye stabbing, an axe to the back, a solid looking throat slash, and a satisfying gut stabbing. Thought the most festive has to be the candy cane thru the mouth. It was both Holly and Jolly!

It wasn’t until after I watched It’s a Wonderful Knife that I realized the director of this movie, Michael Kennedy, was responsible for Patchwork which is a movie that I dug a lot. He also made a movie called Tragedy Girls that I’ve been meaning to check out. I’ve caught bits of it, and it looks interesting. But I’m getting sidetracked. I highly recommend checking out It’s a Wonderful Knife. I think it will fill you with some holiday cheer. 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Christmas Blood (2017)

A killer Santa movie from Norway! I’ve not seen one of those before… I mean I’ve seen one from Finland and another from the Netherlands (okay technically not Santa Claus but close enough!). But I’ve never seen one from Norway. Honestly, I was pretty excited to check it out.

The movie opens with a little girl sneaking downstairs to check out the presents under the tree while her father or maybe stepfather is snoring blissfully away. She tears and rattles things all while we see someone lurking behind her. There is a muffled scream and the father wakes up. Investigating the sound, he finds the girl dead and is quickly dispatched himself by someone dressed as Santa. The police arrive and find them butchered but manage to locate the killer and one of the cops, detective Rasch, puts several rounds into him.

As the credits roll, we see that the killer had been busy for many years racking up a body count well over a hundred. He also kept a naughty list that the police find, but never figure out why they were targeted. Though there is a bit of a throwaway line about them all being in trouble with the law at some point in time. We also find out that the killer Santa survived the shooting and was quietly and secretly locked up. But he has busted out, so it is up to a new detective, Hansen, to find him before too much murder occurs. Spoilers… it gets very bloody before he recruits the now retired and perpetually drunk Rasch to help him.

All while this is happening we meet up with another set of characters. They are all coming to an isolated town far in the north reaches of Norway to visit a friend named Julia. We find out that her mother was on Santa’s list but committed suicide. Though that doesn’t seem to bother the killer as when he arrives he just starts tearing thru Julia and her guests. Eventually the detectives figure out the pattern and arrive in time to save Julia, but her friends are toast. I suppose that is a spoiler but if you have ever watched a movie like this you should readily identify them as fodder for the body count. Things wrap up… well honestly, they don’t which is one of the issues I have with Christmas Blood.

I wanted to like this movie and there are things that I do enjoy, but it also has a couple fatal flaws that drag it down. The story is interesting with the killer having a naughty list that isn’t ever totally explained. I do like some mystery as to motivations when I’m watching what is basically a slasher movie. Sometimes the idea of a random killer targeting for reasons that no one really knows is scary. But then the story just meanders thru the hour and forty four minute runtime tossing characters at us who do nothing to move the plot around.

We see a sequence with Hansen visiting a morgue that allows the filmmakers to show us a very naked woman and a coroner who apparently loves pastries and likes to eat while he works. Admittedly this is amusing in sick way, but after spending time on it the detective declares it has nothing to do with the killer Santa and it is never mentioned again. We also have a random killing of a couple cops that are investigating someone on the list and find a body. They are then killed off themselves. Why bother? I mean we already know that the guy is a brutal killer, which is reinforced later, so what is up with the random characters just introduced to die?

This isn’t the first example of unneeded characters slowing things down. Before the killer arrives at the girls we get a couple of brothers added to the menu of victims who are there solely to die though not before participating in a drawn out “partying” dance montage. One of them does get to assault one of the women before being dispatched so I guess we are supposed to get some satisfaction out of his death. But really did we need a date rape in this flick? It adds nothing to the story other than a bit of nastiness. Hell, the girl doesn’t last more than a minute or two after her rapist and is killed in another way that violates her. Yeah, think The Mutilator. So now I was bored and annoyed which isn’t a good combination.

You'd better watch out... behind you!

I will give the movie credit for some inventive kills and the fact that they are plentiful. We get fifteen kills, with some happening offscreen and others being seen after the fact. There are butchered bodies, some head bashing, more than one decapitation (including the little girl in the beginning), some throat cutting, and lots of guts. Really this killer likes to drive his axe into many a midsection which leads to more than one person rolling around with their own intestines in hand. They must have really dug that effect/appliance because they use it a few times. There is a very Evil Dead fountain of blood as well. But my favorite kill in the movie has to be the guy getting his spine ripped out. Does it make sense? Not at all but I thought it was a fun gag.

I’ll also say that I thought a couple of the jump scares worked well. But in the end this movie is saddled with far too many characters and subplots to ever create any momentum. So, while the gore is an excellent payoff the scenes leading up to it failed to keep my interest. Overall it makes for a boring watch, and I can’t recommend Christmas Blood. There are much better Killer Santa movies out there to watch this most festive time of the year.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

12 days of Christmas Horror the 2023 edition!

I haven't done one of these in a while but have been feeling a bit festive this year so I thought I'd check out and review some newer Christmas Themed horror movies. Despite being called 12 Days of Christmas Horror I can't guarantee I'll get to twelve movies. I just dig the title so stuck it on my holiday marathon a few years ago when I did the first one. Also I should point out that not all of them are going to lean too heavily into horror as will be obvious with my first movie below, but more on that later. So I suppose we need to get on with the proceedings. 

New Reviews - My 2023 Marathon

Movie 1: Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022) - This independent movie is less than an hour long but director/writer/star Steve Rudzinski packs the short runtime full of good stuff. The movie leans heavily into the comedy but does have a ghost... so yeah horror. This one is a blast. Click here for my full review. 

Movie 2: Christmas Blood (2017) - Who doesn't love killer Santa Claus movies. I mean except for the super religious soccer moms who have been trying to ban this shit since the eighties. This one is from Norway and was interesting. Read my full review here. 

Movie 3: It's a Wonderful Knife (2023) - This one popped up on Shudder and has supporting performances from Joel McHale and Justin Long. That alone got my attention as well as the play on words that the title gives us. It ended up being a solid fun movie. Check out the full review here. 

Movie 4: Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 (1987) - I've been avoiding this one for several years but figured it was time. Honestly I don't understand the love for this flick. It is bad... really bad. The best parts are in the forty plus minutes of reused footage from the original. Here is the full review. 

Movie 5: Christmas Presence (2018) - I found this one on Shudder and thought I'd give it a chance. Not great but I've seen worse. Yeah that is about the best thing I can say about this one. Follow this link to the full review. 

Well that is it for this mini marathon. Yeah it was short but with this being the holidays I got busy. I'll be back after the first of the year with more movie reviews. Might also drop my best of the year list on the 31st as well. If not I'll see you all next year!

Movies from previous years - the good stuff

I thought it might also be fun to mention some of my favorite Holiday Horrors that I've already covered for the site in previous years. These are the movies that I find myself rewatching every December to get in a festive spirit. Don't judge me!

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) - The most controversial of all the Santa slasher movies this one lives up to the hype. Decent kills, including the most festive of murders, and a twisted storyline make for an excellent gift for all horror nerds. 

Jack Frost (1996) - A killer is doused in chemicals and bonds with the snow turning him into a mutant killer snowman! Plus Shannon Elizabeth has a shower scene... hey where did his carrot nose go? So good that they had to do a sequel!

Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000) - More Killer Snowman fun... this time in the tropics! Yeah it is warm but this is a mutant killer snowman so it makes sense. 

Letters to Satan Claus (2020) - Imagine what happens when someone at the SyFy channel decides to make a horror spoof of the one plot Hallmark has for their Christmas movies? You get this awesome bit of holiday horror. 

Fatman (2020) - Mel Gibson is a pissed off Santa Claus who is targeted by an even angrier mob boss who is also a child. This leads to a big showdown with a hired killer. This one is more action than horror but still a blast. 

Elves (1989) - Is this a good movie. Not at all. Do you need to see it? Absolutely! Why? Dan Haggerty, Nazis, and killer Elves summoned thru some sort of nonsense. Not often is bad good but here it is. 

A Christmas Horror Story (2015) - This awesome anthology is fun from start to finish. Toss in a story with William Shatner as a radio host and you have yourself the makings of a very merry evening. 

Santa's Slay (2005) - Bill Goldberg is a murderous Santa Claus. Do I need to say more? How about a star studded opening that sees some familiar faces including horror icon Chris Kattan (inside joke...sorry) brutally killed? 

Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022)

I’m a big fan of independent movies and one of my favorite indie filmmakers is Steve Rudzinski. Amityville Christmas Vacation is a continuation of his Wally Griswold character. The loveable and bumbling cop wins a contest to spend Christmas in scenic Amityville not knowing that the evil owner of the bed and breakfast has chosen him for her own nefarious purposes. There is an evil ghost haunting the place who she feeds unsuspecting guests too.

After saying goodbye to his cat and rats, who play important roles in the previous movies like Meowy Christmas and A Meowy Halloween, he heads off for a couple days of relaxation. When he arrives the ghost, Jessica, goes about trying to scare him. He is so clueless however that he keeps misunderstanding what is happening and apologizes to her. Confused she eventually falls in love with him, much to the dismay of the owner, Samantha, who decides to call in a ghost hunter to get rid of Jessica to get rid of the now unhelpful ghost. Seems she has gotten to like the killing and is rather annoyed. After a couple of funny twists and turns the movie ends. Is it a happy ending? Well… Wally has terrible luck. That is all I’m going to say here.

Clocking in at a quick forty seven minutes Amityville Christmas Vacation wastes no time on padding but jumps right into the gags. From an early bit with Wally packing an impossibly deep suitcase to the slapstick shenanigans that take place when Jessica is trying to scare him there is a lot to enjoy. If you have read any of my other reviews of low budget independent movies, you will be familiar with my “shoot what you have the resources for” mantra. Rudzinski is an excellent example of a filmmaker that gets that.

The cast is small which allows him to limit the number of speaking roles. This allows Rudzinski to use the actors he has available to him to the fullest. All of them are quite good which is especially important because comedy is hard. The dialogue is clever, another hallmark of his movies, so if the actors don’t have comic timing it would be spoiled. Here the jokes are delivered and land with a great deal of skill. This includes Rudzinski who not only wrote the script (along with Bill Murphy) and directed but also starred as Wally. Just great stuff.

From the first time I watched CarousHell I’ve been a big fan of this filmmaker. I’ve never been disappointed by his movies, including his earlier work which was way better than I would have expected for a director and writer just starting out. Check out this as well as his other movies at the Silver Spotlight website. Personally, I recommend the CarousHell movies (soon to be a trilogy!) but you can’t go wrong with any of them including Amityville Christmas Vacation.

Update: CarousHell 3 is out. Go check it out now! Seriously you wont' be disappointed. 

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

I suppose it was about time for me to get to this most infamous of Christmas horror flicks. Though if I’m going to be honest, and I always am, the controversy is sort of overblown. Other than the Santa outfit this movie isn’t terribly shocking for a slasher flick and was never intended for the kids that still believe in Santa to see anyway. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Things kick off with young Billy going to see his grandfather, who when no one is looking scares the hell out of him. On the way home he then sees his parents murdered by a criminal dressed as Santa. Now an orphan he is raised in an orphanage run by a nun with some odd issues at how to properly raise children his issues become worse. Between the ideas of punishment from the nun and the idea that Santa has a naughty list, things go rather poorly when he is asked to dress as jolly old Saint Nick by his employer. Determined to do his best and believing it is now his job to punish the naughty he goes on a killing spree.

As I’ve already stated this movie is rather infamous for the reaction it got when first released. I suppose that parents didn’t like a slasher flick about Santa killing people coming out right before Christmas. Who knew that might be an issue? Though again this was never intended for the younger crowd there were some unfortunate advertising mistakes like running ads while the kiddos were watch the television. In a way the controversy and subsequent pulling of the movie from theaters was probably the best thing that could have happened to Silent Night Deadly Night. Don’t get me wrong the movie is a solid slasher flick, but this pushed it into must watch territory.

This is not going to end well...

The story is paced decently, though the Billy growing up in the orphanage stuff isn’t terribly interesting to me. Though once he dons the red suit and starts growling “Naughty” at his victims it picks up. What is a nice touch is that we can sort of understand why Billy does what he does. The guy is messed up and is only doing what he thinks he is supposed to do. For a slasher movie to make us feel sympathetic to the killer is a nice twist. Also, the fact that the plot basically follows him as the main character and not a final girl was a bit different from the formula. I like it when filmmakers subvert my expectations and/or put their own spin on things.

The gore is plentiful and of course there is some nudity. The lovely Linnea Quigley provides that and is done away with in one of the most creative and festive kills you will ever see on screen! Other kills include some work being done with a hammer and axe. There is a lot of blood and fun, though this time I did notice that more of it happens off camera and implied then I remember from past viewings. That said it is still a good time and delivers what I expected with a solid eight kills and one accidental death.

If you are looking for a Christmas themed horror movie then this one is an obvious choice, though I’d still pick Bob Clark’s Black Christmas before it. But then that is a genuine classic, so this isn’t a shot at Silent Night Deadly Night. If you are a horror fan and haven’t seen this yet you really should.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

 

 

Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

I love these movies and I’m not going to apologize for it. They are silly, over the top, and filled with goofy dialogue as Jack drops one-liners right and left. While this isn’t as good as the original there is still some fun to be had with this worthy sequel. With that said lets get to the story.

It has been a year since Sheriff Tiler and his town were terrorized by the killer snowman Jack. After a recap of what happened and how he was created we are treated to some dummies digging up the containers of antifreeze that contain his remains. Of course, someone dumps hot chocolate in the tank and that brings Jack back to life. Why? Hey man I don’t need to explain the science! He immediately heads off to kill Tiler who happens to be in the tropics celebrating Christmas with his wife and soon to be married friends.

Now you would expect that location to prevent our snowman from being able to continue his homicidal ways, but you would be wrong. Jack heads on down to the islands stopping along the way to murder some lost at sea guys for their carrot. Hey, he needed a nose. When he gets to where he was headed, he takes a few tourists out before changing the climate and making it snow. How does he manage this? Hey man I really don’t need to explain the science. We do find out that Jack was able to track the sheriff because he bled into the antifreeze in the first movie, so they share some genetic material now. That is important because of a banana allergy.

This movie is goofy as hell, and I love it. The dialogue is filled with some very funny lines which I won’t ruin by repeating them in this review. Even after repeated viewings it still is laugh out loud funny. We also have some great setups for the kills including an ice cube gag with a model that was a blast… literally. The plot is quickly paced and wastes no time getting to what we want, a wisecracking killer taking out his victims. The characters aren’t well developed but the cast is solid enough to get the job done and lets be honest this isn’t the sort of flick that leans too heavily into that sort of thing anyway. The late Christopher Allport is back as the Sheriff, and he has some fun chewing up scenery. The rest of the actors aren’t well known but again they do a good job. That said watch for a blink and you’ll miss it appearance from genre favorite Doug Jones.

The kills are more cartoonish and played for laughs. While we get a lot of CGI because of the tongue in cheek nature of the proceedings I was okay with this. The highlights include some icicles bursting thru chests, a woman drowning in a frozen swimming pool, a neck slash, an arm gets torn off with a wicked snowball, and some tongs to the eyes. My favorite is an ice anvil that squishes one woman “Wile E. Coyote” style. In addition to Jack, who is basically just a costumed actor we also get some baby snowball monsters that are puppets. They get to create some havoc before getting whacked by science. Well, I mean someone figures out that they share DNA with the sheriff, so we wrap back around to bananas again!

Jack Frost 2 is played for laughs and does it very well. I’ve always enjoyed this one and try to watch it every couple of years around Christmas. If you haven’t seen this or the first movie I can’t recommend them enough. Trust me this will put you in a very merry mood for this most festive time of year.

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

 

Krampus (2015)

Here we are with another Christmas horror movie. This time around we watch as a young boy named Max deals with his extended family and all the bickering that comes with it. After being thoroughly embarrassed by his cousins he storms off saying he hates Christmas and all of them! That is a bad thing since it gets the attention of Krampus aka. Saint Nicholas’ shadow. Instead of Santa they get a very angry spirit and his minions who are determined to get up to some serious mischief. One by one they all fall victim to them until only Max is left. But then he wakes up in his bed and goes downstairs to see his family next to the tree opening gifts. It must have been a dream and we are getting a happy ending… or not.

I enjoyed the heck out of this movie. The story is entertaining and jumps right to the action without hesitation. There is always something annoying, creepy, or scary happening on screen, which makes for a quick ninety-seven-minute runtime. The movie quickly becomes a siege with all sorts of spooky festive critters trying to get in the house. Spoilers they do manage to get in and that is when it really hits the fans. We also get a fun animated flashback where the German grandmother, who knows things, explains her history with Krampus and what is about to happen. There is a lot to enjoy with this one.

The cast is excellent in their roles with the highlights being Adam Scott, Toni Collette, and David Koechner. This one is played for laughs at times so Scott and Koechner are given a chance to shine. This movie also proves that if you give Collette something decent to work with, she can be a great actress… I’m looking at you Hereditary! We even get some fun with the late Conchata Ferrell as the unpleasant Aunt Dorothy who can handle a shotgun pretty well.

When I sat down with this one, I expected a decent looking creature and that is what I got. The Krampus design is all practical effects work and looks awesome. What I didn’t anticipate was the menagerie of mayhem that accompanies our main bad guy. There are CGI Gingerbread men who wield a nail gun, a maniacal teddy bear that tripes to chomp on folks, a crazy jack in the box that acts like an anaconda in the way it eats people up, and a creepy baby doll. Oh, and I almost forgot the creepy elves and the stabby machine in the attic. I did say there was a lot going on. Though be warned that this one is PG-13 so you aren’t going to get a lot of gore or creative kills. In fact, while we get a few implied deaths in the end it appears that everyone survived.

Sometimes you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. What we have with Krampus is a movie that is just fun. Other than a twist at the end that I didn’t see coming this is a predictable flick that checks a lot of boxes. There is some humor, some horror, and some fun creature effects work. If that would make your holidays merry, like it did mine, then check it out.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

 

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday (2019)

I hadn’t heard about this movie until my friend Donovan picked it for a podcast that we do together. We were interviewing the director, Mike Lombardo, so I figured it was a good bet the movie would come up. With that in mind I went off to Amazon and rented myself a copy. Please note that there are spoilers in my review. I rather enjoyed the movie so I recommend you just go watch I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday and then come back to see what I have to say about it.

Doomsday has happened and the world is destroyed. We see a mother and her young son in a bomb shelter counting the days until their food runs out. In a series of flashbacks, we see that the husband/father had headed out for more supplies but never returned. That means mom must leave her son to go looking for food. She finds another survivor who is hurt and tells her that something attacked her and her brother. We never see what that is but it does let us know that the world is scary outside of the shelter. To protect her son she steals the injured girl’s food and leaves her to die.

Returning to the bunker we watch as mom realizes that it is hopeless. She finds some cookies in the girl’s bag and makes one last Christmas treat for her son, with a poison chaser. Yeah, she is planning a double suicide! Merry Christmas… Here is where it gets weird. As they are decorating, and she is planning Santa Claus shows up and marches across the wasteland. He has the boys name on his list, yeah this is the “real” Santa, and is hauling a bag of toys. He reaches them and immediately attacks the boy. Santa can’t die as long as a child lives who believes in in and the poor old fella just wants to put himself out of his misery. So yeah, the mom’s plan doesn’t work as Santa chokes the kid out before she can poison him.

This one is a kick in the butt!

This is a depressing and serious movie that I can’t say I enjoyed in the traditional sense of having fun with it. But I very much appreciate how well it is made and that ending has stuck with me for a couple of days. I know that some might find the pacing a little slow but I thought it was fine. The characters are going thru the motions in what seems to be a hopeless situation, so it kind of had to be that way. Plus, this is more of a drama then an action movie so if you are looking for a shoot ‘em up with monsters then this isn’t the flick you should be watching. The twist with Santa is worth the wait. That hooked me as it was unexpected and fun. This is an example of a solid movie that sticks the landing with a crazy fun ending.

The acting is decent especially the young actor who plays the son. Honestly, I’ve seen big budget productions have horrible casting choices when it comes to casting a child. Here the director/writer Lombard got very lucky to find a kid that has talent and can act. He is one of two actors that has to pretty much carry the movie so this could have been a deal breaker. They are helped with well written dialogue that feels natural. Something else that I liked about the writing was the fact that the movie managed to tell us a compelling post-apocalyptic story without having a huge budget. They keep is simple, spending most of the time in the bunker. This controls their locations and scales down the setting to what they could afford. Nothing will kill a movie like being overly ambitious and exceeding your resources. Here Lombardo clearly knew what he had and used it perfectly.

Due to the nature of the story I can’t imagine revisiting this one often. But the fact that it bothered me says that I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday did the job it intended to do. I don’t think this one is supposed to put you in a holiday mood, but instead is meant to tell you a slightly off kilter and darker story. Mission accomplished. If you have stuck with me this far I’d like to recommend that you check this one out. It is one of the best written and interesting stories that I’ve seen filmed in a long time. I highly recommend it.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Letters to Satan Claus (2020)

The movie opens years ago when we see a spoiled little brat angry that her out of work parents can’t by her the Darby dream car that she wants for Christmas. Because of that she writes an angry letter to Santa telling him all she wants for Christmas is for her parents to be gone. Later in flashbacks we see her and her younger sister on Christmas morning opening presents… each one containing a piece of her murdered and chopped up parents. Feeling festive yet?

The movie jumps twenty-two years later, and we see that the litter girl, Holly Frost (yes, all the names are very festive) is an investigative reporter. Though her dream is to get the anchor’s seat and that chance has finally come. Though she needs to be more approachable, so her boss sends her to Ornament… yep that is the name of the town, to cover their yearly Christmas festival. This also happens to be her hometown that she has been avoiding since high school.

Holly comes home, drinks a lot, and is totally snarky. She also finds the letter she wrote as a little girl and realized that she misspelled Santa as Satan. Again, being sarcastic and a scrooge she sends Satan another nasty letter. He shows up again and starts killing everyone. Initially no one believes Holly but eventually enough people disappear, and bodies drop that they catch on to what is happening. She must find her holiday spirit so that she can lead the rest of the town in a battle to send Satan on his way! This is a weird movie.

I don’t know how many of you out there either watch those Hallmark Christmas movies or have a spouse that does, but this is a fantastic parody of those. Let’s look at some of the tropes of those and see how they twist them in Letters to Satan Claus. Obviously, we have the fish out of water successful big city girl come back home only to be charmed by the simple ways of small-town America and falling in love. Here she has to so that Satan can be banished, and the killings stopped, but it is pretty much the same thing. There is also a handsome man who lost his wife and has a young precious daughter. Here the wife was killed by a falling hot air balloon and the daughter is a creepy adult child that well… just has to be seen to be believed. In the end Holly rejects the big job to return to her small-town home to be with the man she loves… though that doesn’t turn out as you would expect. We even get a proposal from a secret prince from Eastern Western Europe!

Now if that doesn’t appeal to you there are some horror goodness that might. We get some fun kills like Aunt Becky the baker getting tossed into her oven, cookies that bleed and ask why you are killing them, and even death by obnoxious Christmas music! Though I think the biggest thing that I learned is if a snowman suddenly comes to life and offers to show you what can be used for his eyes you might want to step back a few paces. Just to be clear this isn’t an overly gory movie but the kills are creative and most importantly festive. The look of Satan Claus is decent. They created an actual appliance and have an actor in it which is always what I prefer. Here he has some snappy one liners and cackles in a silly but creepy way. To sum it up I liked the kills and the creature.

I suppose if you haven’t been forced to watch Hallmark Christmas in July, and yes that is a real thing, then you might not get some of the jokes in Letters to Satan Claus. But there are still others that are more obvious that will probably put a smile on your face. To catch them you must be paying attention to the dialogue because they sneak some good ones in under your nose. This movie is very well written, acted, and directed. It will be on my yearly watch for the Holidays list from this point forward. I highly recommend Letters to Satan Claus.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Fatman (2020)

 

I get a lot of links for trailers sent to me from friends, family, and people trying to sell me on their flick. Honestly most of the time I’ve already been aware of the movie or am total disinterested. But I always take a couple of minutes to check them out because you just never know. When I clicked on the trailer for Fatman and saw a crusty slightly pissed off Santa Claus movie where he does battle with a hitman, I was all in. Now this is the sort of holiday flick that puts a smile on my face.

The movie kicks off with this snotty annoying overachiever named Billy sending off a letter to Santa. He is a rich kid with an absentee father who steals money from his grandmother to hire a hitman/enforcer to intimidate a young lady into giving him her 1^st place Science Fair ribbon because he doesn’t think she should have beat him. Yeah, the kid is a little sociopath with some serious entitlement issues!

Santa, played by Gibson, realizes this and poor Billy ends up with a piece of coal for Christmas. This leads him to send his hitman, portrayed by a scene stealing Walton Goggins, to kill Santa. We see that the hired gun also has an axe to grind with Santa because of his collection of toys made in Santa’s workshop. If that isn’t twisted enough for you, we also see that Santa is subsidized by the government to help stimulate the economy with his holiday cheer, but things have been off and the payments are much shorter then they need to be. So, the elves get hired out making circuit boards for the military’s latest jet fighter.

Eventually there is a big showdown at the North Pole with a lot of bodies hitting the festively snow-covered ground. Santa survives… because you basically can’t kill him. It is like he has mutant healing powers or something. Billy gets a visit from the titular Fatman where he is warned Santa had decided to become more proactive with his naughty list. What does that mean? I hope we find out in a sequel.

He takes the science fair very seriously

I loved this movie. It is so weird which I sort of expected with the crazy concept. Gibson is perfectly cast as the crusty worn-down Santa Claus. Goggins is awesome as the hitman and as I mentioned above steals every scene he is in. These guys are playing this material deadly serious and it works. In fact, I was expecting this to be a comedy and it really isn’t all that funny. Sure, the concepts of Santa’s workshop contracting out as a military supplier is amusing, especially the scenes with the Elves talking to the soldiers, but it isn’t played for laughs. This is more of an action movie with lots of blood spraying and bullets flying. I didn’t expect that at all when I sat down to watch Fatman.

Gibson and Goggins are the only actors doing a great job. Chance Hurstfield shines as the twisted little shit Billy. He is excellent playing what comes off as a prepubescent mafia boss. There is a real sense of danger with the character as you think he might have sent someone to kill his Science Fair rival’s parents in revenge for losing. Again, this could have been played for laughs but it isn’t. This kid is a great actor.

A few other things I wanted to mention. The plot is solid and paced very well. There isn’t a wasted scene between the opening credits and the big showdown at the end. The characters are well established, and the movie does some good worldbuilding setting things up so that the viewer can believe and more importantly become invested in what they are watching. The action sequences are spot on and executed well. There is enough violence to keep action movie fans interested. Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing that I don’t love about Fatman.

This is going to become a new Holiday tradition in my house. I think that Fatman will pair nicely with my other favorite Christmas flick, Die Hard. I see many Gibson and Willis double features in my future. Do yourself a favor and check this one out. I highly recommend it.

 

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

I Trapped the Devil (2019)

Sometimes I find crappy movies and sometimes they find me. This is one that thru no fault of my own I ended up watching. I could tell right away from the trailer that I was in for something not entirely bad, but probably mind numbingly boring. It just had that vibe and I was right.

A man and his wife, Matt and Karen, decide to stop in to check on his brother, Steve. It is Christmas… oh crap this is a Christmas movie! Anyway, they decide to check in on him as he lives at their parent’s old house all alone. Steve clearly doesn’t want them there and tries to get rid of them immediately. But they stick around and after some awkward silence he eventually lets them know he has someone locked in the basement. He believes it is the devil and that he is saving the world from all the evil that would result from him wandering the Earth. Also, the phone keeps ringing and Steve believes that someone is coming to set his prisoner free.

Cool setup, right? Not really because nothing happens. As I thought from the trailer it is a struggle to get thru I Trapped the Devil as it is one of the slowest flicks I’ve seen in a while. I have no idea what they were thinking with this movie. They never explain how Steve came to think the person in the basement was the devil. Why Matt and Karen don’t dial 911 right away to have the police show up isn’t adequately sorted out either. Heck Matt goes from “Oh My God my brother is crazy” to “what if he is right” in a matter of a couple of minutes without explanation. There is also a dream sequence that comes out of nowhere and seems to exist for the shock value of what happens during it. They don’t even try and tie the dream into the plot such as maybe the maybe devil in the basement is responsible.

I will say that the movie has a cool soundtrack and is shot beautifully. Though the basement scenes use red lighting that seems to cause some distortion in the digital cameras they were using. That I didn’t like, but the rest of the movie looks great. The visuals are bleak and seem to be setting the scene for some disturbing tale that never develops. I even think that the actors do a good job with the material given them as all three of our leads sell the story very well and seem like real people in a weird situation. Though again without a cohesive story this is all wasted.

I Trapped the Devil can be wrapped up with the phrase ‘All Style no Substance’. The technical stuff and acting deserved a much better story than what we get here and that disappointed me. Clearly, I’m not going to recommend this movie. If you want to watch something with a similar vibe but much better plot check out The House of the Devil.

 

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Better Watch Out (2016)

The Twelve Days of Christmas horror marathon is winding down and I thought the last couple on the list would be new to me. Better Watch Out was recommended when I started talking about doing this and when I found it on Shudder, I knew it would have to be included.

Christmas is right around the corner and everyone is getting festive, stockings have been hung and decorations setup. We meet Ashley as she is driving and speaking to her Mom on the phone. Her family is moving to Pittsburgh and she should be home packing but is instead going to babysit Luke for the last time. They establish that she has been watching him for years and while he is now almost thirteen, she still sees him as a child. After some hilarious dialogue with the parents, played by Virginia Madsen and Patrick Warburton, they are left on their own. Things get creepy when Luke tries to “make a move” on Ashley and fails miserably. But that isn’t what the movie is really about.

During the awkward attempts at romance some creepy stuff is happening. Ashley keeps finding the back door open. There are strange noises in the house. A pizza gets delivered when they forgot to order it! Then there are the phone calls where someone is on the other end but refuses to speak. When the pair realize that someone is in the house, they try and call for help, but the phones are dead, and the internet is down! Before you can say Ho Ho Ho there are armed men stalking around the house looking for them. But why? Does it have to do with Ashley’s creepy ex-boyfriend or perhaps her new one that is upset she is moving? Maybe it is Luke’s best friend Garrett who is a bad influence on him and likes to steal medication from Luke’s Mom. Or maybe there is something completely different going on.

Okay it is the last one. Better Watch Out starts off as a home invasion movie and even references Home Alone in a line of dialogue. I was ready for a movie like that and the first third plays out like I expected it too. But then it takes a huge left turn and becomes something completely different. Now I’ve debated whether I should spoil anything here because the absolute best part of Better Watch Out is the WTF moment that happens where everything changes. Normally I’d toss in a spoiler warning and be on my way. That just doesn’t seem adequate here. So I’m going to review the movie without giving anything away. That should be fun…

That duct tape isn't very festive... just sayin'

The acting is solid with our two leads being played by Olivia DeJonge and Levi Miller, Ashley and Luke respectively. They are both young but are very talented. I totally bought the characters and considering how crazy things get that is amazing. While Warburton and Madsen are barely in the movie, they have some killer dialogue and add a lot of humor to the scenes they are in. The story is clever, not only in how it shifts gears and surprises the audience, but also in how well constructed the plot is. Things get crazy, but there is a method to the madness that by the end seems plausible. Speaking of the ending I will say that where I thought it was headed had me a bit pissed off. But then there is one final twist and I was all smiles.

There aren’t many kills in Better Watch Out and what we do get happens off-screen. If you are looking for a body count and lots of gore this isn’t the one for you. I will say that each kill initially seems sort of random, but again there is a plan that makes sense by the time the credits roll. While we only get four kills they are all important to the story and carry some impact, especially the last one.

This is a fun movie that kept my interest. My only concern is that once you have seen it, I don’t know that it warrants a second viewing. This one is all about the story and how clever it is presented that once you know the twists much of the fun is gone. That is why I didn’t go too far in my plot synopsis because I want people to watch and enjoy Better Watch Out like I did. As of the writing of this review it is streaming on Shudder. You can sign up for a month for less than it would cost to rent or purchase a digital copy and you get access to the service for an entire month. Check it out and sign up for Shudder! It is a win win scenario.

© Copyright 2018 John Shatzer