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I thought I'd kick the new year off with another movie marathon. I thought it was time to check out a few old school mystery flicks. Som...

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Elves (1989)

The Twelve Days of Christmas horror continue with what has to be the weirdest movie that I’m going to cover in this marathon. Dan Haggerty stars in this strange little flick that has a reputation that it totally deserves. But before I get too far into explaining or at least trying to explain it lets do a little plot recapping.

Three girls are in the woods doing a ceremony declaring their dislike for Christmas. One of the girls, Kirsten, has her grandfather’s special book and accidentally cuts herself. After they leave, we see that something crawls its way out of the ground where the blood hit. So here is the lowdown on what just happened. Kirsten’s grandfather is a Nazi, or at least was one back in the war. Something between the having the book in the woods and her bleeding on it and the ground has caused the Elf to be brought to Earth. This is because she has “pure” blood, which I’ll get to later.

Kirsten and her girlfriends head off to spend the night in the department store after it closes. This is also the plan for Mike, an alcoholic former cop who is homeless and now is the store Santa. The Nazis show up to “prepare” Kirsten for the ceremony and end up killing a couple people before getting into a shootout with Mike. The Elf is also there to kill one of the girls. Not for any reason but basically because he is a jerk? He is best buddies with the Nazis so…

Eventually we figure out that the other Nazis have shown up to make sure that Kirsten has sex with the Elf so that she can give birth to the antichrist and start the fourth Reich. Her grandfather has decided to protect her and tries to stop it. You know because that is what you do for your granddaughter/daughter… Yep, to keep the bloodline pure he had sex with his daughter. Don’t worry though she was drugged and slept thru the whole thing. Those wacky Nazis date raping their kids. Eventually Mike comes to the rescue and the plot is stopped. Now that is a Christmas movie!

This is a terrible movie, but much like that horrible accident you see on the road or YouTube videos of dudes getting nailed in the crotch you just can’t look away. The story is loosely put together and meanders a bit. But the moment you might think about being bored we get another “Holy Shit” moment. I’ve already spoiled one of them for you but there are more. Not wanting to ruin them for you I will hint at one more. If you thought the kid in Tobe Hooper’s Funhouse was a bit pervy you haven’t seen anything yet.

The cast is fairly generic except for the legendary Dan Haggerty who mostly smokes and delivers lines as if that wasn’t tobacco he was puffing. But again, like the rest of the movie this is so odd that you just can’t look away. The makeup on the Elf is simple and falls into the Ghoulies category of effects work. But I love rubber puppets in monster so that is fine with me. The kills are tame, but we do get a cool knifing of a store Santa right in the nuts (fear not that isn’t Haggerty’s character). Oh, and one other thing that I wanted to mention is that in spite of the title we only get one Elf in the movie.

Date rape Nazi impregnates his daughter, so his granddaughter/daughter can have sex with an elf to then give birth to the antichrist who will theoretically do more Nazi stuff… Merry Christmas everyone! Really thought you should watch this at least once.

© Copyright 2018 John Shatzer

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