Specters (1987)

Time for some Italian eighties horror that I’ve not seen before. The movie opens with some workers using a large boring machine to extend a subway tunnel. The vibration disturbs a nearby archaeological site which uncovers a hidden tomb beneath the ruins. This excites the leader of the expedition, Professor Lasky, who declares it as the mysterious pagan site they have been looking for. It predates even the Christian catacombs nearby. This all seems fine… right?

Well after meeting Alice, an actress working on a horror movie nearby, and her boyfriend Marcus, who works for Lasky, we then see something is wrong. There is some evil force that rises from beneath the ground terrorizing the locals. What is it and why does it start to kill? In a bit of a dialogue dump from Lasky we find out that the pagan site was a place where sacrifices were made to an ancient god of evil. So I’m figuring it is that guy getting up to bad stuff now that he has been released/disturbed. More bodies pile up, Alice is kidnapped by the god of evil, and Marcus saves the day by blowing up the site and rescuing Alice. Though it may not come as a surprise when someone tags along on their honeymoon… oh yeah I forgot to mention after saving her Marcus proposes to Alice because that is what you do in a horror flick.

Okay that sounded snarky, but I actually had fun with Specters. I mean the plot doesn’t make a ton of sense as this is your typical Italian horror movie leaning into stylistic visuals and sound design rather than a cohesive plot. Think Argento’s non Gialli efforts and some of Bava’s more esoteric movies, though I’d never say Specters is on that level. Those are the gold standard, but I’d say this one is a solid second tier example beneath them. I only mention those filmmakers as an easy comparison to let you know what you are in for if you sit down with this one. And to circle back around to the beginning there is a basic plot to follow. Dig a hole, let evil out, blow up the hole to seal it back in. There are just some hoops that you have to jump thru along the way for it to work and some of those can stretch the audience’s imagination to the breaking point. Hopefully that makes sense.

The kills in the movie are a bit tame but are creatively staged. We get a man falling thru stained glass with a throat cutting, a few folks getting ripped up by a claw appearing out of nowhere, another gets his heart ripped out, but my favorite has to be the dude in the wall. We see something grab him and later he is merged or hanging halfway out of a wall skinned. That is the best effect of the movie by far and will stick with me. We don’t see much of the evil god on screen other than the random clawed arm, but there is one reveal in backlight that hides much of the costume but gives enough for it to be satisfying. If you don’t have the budget for a creature be creative and let the audience fill in the blanks. They do that really well here.

Speaking of creative much of the tension is created with liberal use of industrial fans to create a creepy wind effect to let you know evil is present as well as some nifty sound design. The musical stingers as well as the odd sounds create an atmosphere that supports the ideas the story is attempting to sell to the audience. I like it when all the parts of a production work together like this. We also have some fun visuals including a nifty bit with the moon reflecting on the surface of water, the glowing yellow eyes to signify someone has seen something horrifying, as well as the way the tunnels and caverns are lit. Though the best is a Nightmare on Elm Street style bed attack on Alice. Yeah, I’ve seen it before but done this well it still works.

If I’m being honest the reason that I grabbed this VHS, and yes like all eighties oddities this was best watched on VHS, was the one recognizable name in the cast. Starring as Professor Lasky is the late great Donald Pleasence. I love the guy and mean no offense, but he did occasionally phone it is for a paycheck. Here in his limited screentime he is the highlight. Using his dialogue to help along the muddled plot makes a huge difference and the movie is way better when he is on screen. Unfortunately, he isn’t in much of the movie, which was a disappointment. But since I found myself on the fence with Specters his presence alone pushed it into the positives for me.

In conclusion if you dig Italian horror that leans into style (visuals, sound design) over substance (plot, narrative) then you might enjoy this movie. It certainly has that vibe and is worth a chance. On the other hand, if this sort of thing bugs you, I’d anticipate you hating Specters. Armed with this information I figure you can make your own decision. Personally, I’m glad to have watched it. Probably won’t need to ever revisit it, but still not a bad way to kill an hour and a half.

 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

Throwback Thursday - Horns by Joe Hill

note: This review was written over twelve years ago for another project I was working on. After rereading it and doing a bit of clean up before posting it here I have to say that I still really enjoyed it. Joe Hill has gone on to become one of my favorite authors and has certainly carved out his own path separate from his famous father. I should also get around to covering the movie adaptation as well since I also very much enjoyed it. Now onto the review.

This is the second book that I’ve read from Joe Hill and I have enjoyed the heck out of both of them. In this one we follow three main characters, Ig, Merrin, and Lee. Ig and Merrin are a couple and when the book opens up it is a year after Merrin’s body has been found. In that year everyone believes that Ig killed her. He wakes up on the one year anniversary of her death with a set of horns on his head. These horns make anyone that he talks to admit their deepest secrets, no matter how terrible. Quite by accident this leads Ig to the surprising truth about her death (just a hint he didn’t kill her…). So who killed Merrin? What will Ig do with this information? And just what the heck are up with the horns growing out of his head? All this unravels in a satisfying and enjoyable way.

And I do mean that. This is one of those books that had me hooked right away. Hill tells the story in a series of flashbacks wrapped around what is presently happening to Ig. Not only do we get some of the story from those telling Ig terrible secrets, but he also discovers that when he touches someone he can experience their memories. This is a neat narrative trick for Hill to use because it allows us to see the story unfold thru the eyes of several different characters. In the case of one of them it becomes quite obvious that while they are delusional, we the reader can see how they twisted things around in their head. I found that this made the characters all the more interesting.

Since I’m on the subject of the characters I have to say that Hill does a great job of making them feel real. They jump right off of the page and I as a reader felt invested in their fates. There were times when I was actually worried about what was going to happen to Ig. I’m not easily taken in by characters, even when I like a book, so I was obviously hooked. This was one of the reasons that I was glued to the book and unable to put it down. I cared and wanted to see what happened to them next. Even the supposed “bad guy” had a backstory where it was not forgivable but sad to see what life had done to put him or her in that situation. 

At first, I didn’t like the story jumping around from past to present back to past, but without giving anything away there is a good reason that this happens. There is a point where the action very cleverly wraps back around on itself as a couple points in time intersect. Between this, the identity of the killer, and a twist that I should have seen coming but didn’t had me smiling and satisfied when the last word was read. 

I don’t know what else I can say about Horns without spoiling what makes the books so much fun to read. Joe Hill is quickly becoming a must read author for me and I look forward to checking out his collection of short stories which I have on my eReader already. If you get the chance to check out either Horns or Heart Shaped Box, I encourage you to do so. He is a talent that we all will be hearing about for years to come so get in on the ground floor! 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

Christmas Presence (2018)

More holiday horrors. This English production starts off with a couple of young girls playing in the woods. Seemingly one of them is grabbed by a tree or something before the setting moves to years later. McKenzie has booked a house for her friends to party at during the Christmas season. In case you were wondering she is one of the little girls from earlier now all grown up. He father has recently died so everyone is coming to cheer her up. To that end she has rented a house in the country. I’m sure that it’s close proximity to her sister’s place of disappearance wont’ be important.

After meeting the other characters we are then given multiple party montages with drinking, snarky comments, and even an impromptu lingerie show! One of them is a clothes designer who gifts his friends clothes from his new line. There is a lot of talk about gender, politics, and being gay. None of this particularly bothered me for the content. I just mention it because between that and the extended party scenes it takes far too long to get to any of the spooky stuff. Though eventually Hugo, the fashion designer, disappears and they split up to go looking for him. So here we go with the horror… right? Nope they all wander around, some feelings are discussed, and eventually they return back to the house.

After a while they find his body by the woodpile where I guess they never thought to look earlier. That is when the spooky stuff starts to happen. There is some malevolent force picking them off one at a time. They all see something different as it uses their greatest fear to kill them. Though some of them are a stretch. I mean the claustrophobic girl dying by a couch “eating” her! Sure she suffocates but is that really the best they could do? If they had been playing this for laughs maybe but this is supposed to be serious.

Eventually we find out there is a local caretaker who I guess worships Satan, honestly one throwaway line ten seconds before the end credits roll is all we get. He is there to clean up the bodies after they are murdered. To answer my question from earlier the location near the sister’s disappearance ends up not being important at all. They never tie her the Satanist and other than being McKenzie’s fear. She has guilt over leaving her, which is never completely explained either. So, in the end it seemingly is a random coincidence.

Not a fan of this one. The story does have an interesting germ of an idea at it’s core but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. I was unsatisfied with the limited screentime that the Satan worshipping caretaker gets. He actually seemed like an interesting fella but is hardly onscreen. Instead, we are treated to a bunch of uninteresting caricatures with McKenzie and her friends. I don’t blame the cast as they all seem to be doing their best with the paper thin story and terrible dialogue. I just didn’t buy that these folks would actually be friends and want to hang out. The fact that the movie doubles down and tries to make the plot more about the drama in their lives and less about the horror just added to how tedious sitting thru Christmas Presence was.

The visuals are stunning

The deaths in this movie are fairly tame. Many happen off screen and others are just odd. I’ve already mentioned the death by couch but have you ever seen a death by coughing up buttons? Like actual buttons from a cardigan! Maybe I missed something but was it established that the character had a phobia about buttons? I did find one particular kill with a character slashing his own throat only to be stabbed and hacked after dropping to the ground to be solid. The final kill in the movie has a Wicker Man vibe to it but is poorly done. Again, I feel the need to remind filmmakers to never remind the audience of a much better movie they’d rather be watching. This was a terrible way to end the movie and left me even more disappointed in what I had just watched.

While most of my review has been negative I will give the movie some credit. It is beautifully shot. They certainly know how to make the woods and old house look and feel creepy. Some of the creature effects are good as well. But in the end this one starts off slow and ends with a whimper. I can’t recommend Christmas Presence.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

I was both excited to and dreading checking out this latest attempt at an Evil Dead movie. The original trilogy are some of my favorite horror flicks so that bar is a high one to clear. I didn’t like the first attempt, the remake of the original, though I should probably give it another look. Folks keep telling me that it has aged well. But I’m getting ahead of myself and need to focus on the task at hand. 

Evil Dead Rise kicks off the action as any proper Evil Dead movie should with a camera whipping thru the woods and across a pond towards a woman standing on the pier. Though in an unexpected and clever twist it turns out to be a drone piloted by the annoying boyfriend. The woman, the friend of annoying boyfriend’s lady, stomps off to the cabin where she is laying in bed sick. She hasn’t been feeling well since they arrived. Of course it is clear to deadite fans like myself what is going on. Sure enough she is possessed, and the mayhem starts off with a it of scalping and drone to the face action. Okay movie you have my attention. 

The story then switches to an apartment building in what I think is Los Angeles if the bumper sticker is supposed to be a hint. Here we meet Beth and her sister Ellie as well as Ellie’s three children. There are some other folks living on the same floor as them that basically serve to up the body count but aren’t terribly important to the actual plot. After an earthquake, the parking garage floor collapses into a hidden vault. Danny, one of Ellie’s kids, climbs down to check it out and finds some records as well as a very familiar book. He plays the record and reads the book. Some very familiar words echo from the speaker and the evil is unleashed. Ellie gets possessed and it is up to her sister Beth to protect the kids. Unfortunately, she is a bit of a screw up so that doesn’t go so well. 

I could say more about the plot, but I don’t want to spoil anything. This is a solid movie that is well written and while using some familiar props and themes from the existing franchise goes out of it’s way to tell a unique story. Well, I mean sort of unique. You have the ever shrinking group of survivors doing battle with an unspeakable evil that not only murders family and friends but also possesses them to return and torture the living. You know… deadite stuff. But the family dynamic between the sisters is a different take as is the mothering instincts of Beth kicking in. The urban setting was also a nice touch. They manage to create the sense of isolation that the original cabin in the woods setting had but in a completely different way. This is a clever script that someone with real talent put together. As someone who watches a lot of bad movies, I appreciate this level of effort. 

I know that a lot of fans complain about female lead horror or at least gender swapping characters, but this is how you do it. First of all our “final girl” Beth is flawed and in some ways fails miserably. Though in the end she sucks it up and does her best. That is what we call a character arc or hero’s journey. By the end of the movie, I was rooting for her and if Evil Dead Rise is the beginning of a new trilogy I’d be happy to see what happens to her next. Seriously guys if you do continue to make Evil Dead movies you need to include Beth. Don’t blow it! 

This is an Evil Dead movie, so we have to talk about the gore and special effects work. While it lacks the low budget practical effects charm of the original trilogy, they do a good job of leaning into genuinely scary effects. The deadite makeup on Ellie is creepy as hell and the actress does a wonderful job of selling it by moving unnaturally and twisting her limbs at odd angles. We get some decent kills with a head getting torn off, an eye is sucked out, the previously mentioned drone to the face, and a neat gag with a spear thru the mouth and out the back of the head. Though my favorite gag has to be the girl getting grabbed by the ponytail and getting scalped. Maybe not the most graphic but it got under my skin. Speaking of skin… the damn cheese grater to the calf was gruesome. The movie doesn’t skimp on the blood and I enjoyed every minute of it. 

Evil Dead Rise also has a much different tone then the earlier movies. They pull no punches putting kids in danger and then… honest to God… killing the shit out of them! This lets you know early on that no one is safe. There is a psychological nastiness to the dialogue as well with the mother speaking to her children in the most horrifying way. This feels like a much meaner flick, and I appreciated that the filmmakers decided to go their own way. 

I don’t want to give the impression that there isn’t any fan service. We do get some solid callbacks to the classics. All the characters are named after actors from the earlier movies. There is a point of view shot of an eyeball going down a throat. Of course our hero does eventually end up with a chainsaw in her hands. There are also some lines of dialogue like “come get some” and “dead by dawn” that fans will recognize. They do a good job of acknowledging what came before while doing something new.

I’m glad that I watched this and have to agree with all the other fans that have been recommending it. This is a fun movie that I think is worthy of the name Evil Dead. I do hope it was successful enough to spawn some sequels because I’d be down for them. If you get the chance, I highly recommend you check it out. 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

The Evil (1978)

I have been having just an awful time watching new to me movies recently. I needed to cleanse my palette and have vague memories seeing The Evil years ago on a local horror hosted show. I remember really digging it so figured it might just be what I was looking for.

A man named C.J. Arnold and his wife Caroline, a doctor, are looking for a place to open a clinic. Not sure if it is for mental health or addiction but their intentions are good. Sadly their choice in real estate isn’t. They end up at an abandoned mansion with a bit of a history. The locals have legends about the man who built it and at various times have wanted to tear it down. The audience has also already seen the caretaker cleaning the place up and getting torched by a furnace that has a mind of its own. So, this is not a good place.

The pair persist and bring some friends including a recovering addict named Felicia, a jokester named Pete, and a professor named Raymond. Along with others they get about setting up generators and cleaning up the massive structure. Things are already creepy as Caroline keeps seeing what appears to be a glowing orb that seems to try and communicate something to her. There is also a German Shepperd that goes a bit nuts and attacks his owner. But it gets bad when C.J. finds a cross covering a door in the floor of the cellar.

Guys if you find a cross being used to hold something closed leave it alone! He doesn’t and people start dying. Eventually we are down to just a couple of them when they fall into the doorway in the basement and meet the devil, played by the legendary Victor Buono. Do they survive the encounter? Is the devil freed to play havoc in our world? Will they get their security deposit back with all the bodies upstairs? These and more questions are answered before the end credits roll.

I’m happy to report back that this is every bit as much fun as I remember. During the seventies the devil was big box office with movies like Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen, and even drive-in fair like The Devil’s Rain. Not only do I not hesitate to include The Evil with those flicks, but I think it is every bit as good as those. Sure, it is a bit goofier when we finally see Buono but as he argues and does battle with our good guys notice how he slowly transforms showing more demonic features. That sort of attention to detail is why I dig this one.

Victor Buono kills it as the Devil!

The movie is paced well with the house and getting trapped inside by the forces of evil happening quickly so they can get to the good stuff. It starts off with weird camera angles, whispers and odd sounds but escalates into folks getting tossed around rooms by unseen forces. When the deaths start they come at us fast. While not overly explicit we do have a couple electrocutions, a couple people burn up, another gets tossed off a balcony, and there is even a table saw run across a hand. You see just enough to make it cringeworthy without being gory. For what is basically a haunted house type flick it all fits into a nice entertaining package.

I’ve already mentioned Victor Buono, but the rest of the cast is solid as well. Andrew Prine (Grizzly) is the professor. He is always solid when he shows up in movies like this and here is no exception. Our leads of C.J. and Caroline are portrayed by Richard Crenna (First Blood) and Joanna Pettet (Casino Royale) respectively. It was also to see Lynne Moody (Scream Blacula Scream) make an appearance.

This is a great cast. You give these folks a good script, which we get with The Evil, and it makes for an awesome way to kill ninety minutes. I highly recommend checking this one out. It is available online for free so there is no reason not to.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Terror Eyes (1989)

The eighties had a lot of anthologies like Cat’s Eye, Body Bags, and Creepshow. But for every classic like those we had lesser filmmakers cobbling together short films with some sort of wraparound to make a feature film they could dump on the ravenous home video market. Many times they were painfully bad. Where does Terror Eyes fall? Might as well pop it in and see.

There is a wrap around story that is supposed to connect the shorts containing the meat of the movie. Here we have a woman named Eva who is an ad executive. We find out thru some dialogue that her boss has unexpectedly tasked her with writing a script to a horror movie. Why? Don’t know and it is never explained as we never see her boss. Though there is a hint that the devil or some demon is the motivation. I guess that evil needed another crappy direct to VHS horror movie release. Seriously that is the plot. We see Eva hammering away at a keyboard when a story suddenly interrupts her.

The Book of Life sees a couple getting ready to go out. Hey wait a minute… yeah that is the same actress that plays Eva as the woman dealing with her redneck husband laying on the couch. So it is going to be one of those movies where the same actors are cast in different roles. Okay movie I got it. A salesman shows up and offers them the book of life. Yeah, that isn’t spooky at all. It turns out that the book is predicting Troy’s (the lay about husband) life or maybe just letting them know what is coming. When they skip to the end it says he kills himself. In an attempt to prevent that he dumps acid on it and sure enough melts himself.

See what happened there? Yep, they jammed in one of the most predictable tropes of horror in and thought no one would notice. This story is utterly predictable and had me waiting for it to just be done with. The second the book showed up I knew exactly what was going on and sadly had seen this executed so much better elsewhere. Though the melting Troy special effect was decent and the best gag in the movie it wasn’t enough for me to change my mind. They have to get better than this right? I mean you never lead with the best story first… Damn it.

Roebuck chewing up the scenery

When the Book of Life story ends we see Eva waking up from a nightmare. Basically the same nightmare we just watched. Daniel Roebuck is her husband and was also the door to door salesman that we just saw deliver the book. She has trouble getting back to sleep and we see that someone is watching her from outside. Wait a minute. I thought this was supposed to be her listening to friends tell spooky stories when the went camping so she could steal them for her script. Now there is someone stalking her? And she just had a nightmare that had nothing to do with her friends telling stories. Movie make up your mind! They do eventually go camping so cool or maybe not.

Before her friends start telling stories her husband, Richard, goes to take a pee and a demon or maybe the devil gasses him. I’m not kidding here that is what happens. Then he takes his place and goes to the campfire to “encourage” the stories. Then they start to tell their spooky tales.

 Manny’s story is that he used to be a scumbag. He was at the track checking in with his bookie. He made some bad bets and owed big, but to pay things off with Mike (the bookie) he has agreed to sneak in and rob his wife’s safe. Seems that Mike is a kept man and wants out from under, both literally and figuratively, his older wife. When he arrives at the agreed on time, he finds the woman dead and himself framed. He had setup an alibi at a theater and runs back there. Only when he does it is the morning of the previous day. He now can replay the day out and make things right. Only being a scumbag, he doesn’t try to save the murdered woman but instead tries to manipulate it so he can get all the stolen goods for himself. Though that goes wrong, and he goes to prison. This story ends with him looking at his friends across the campfire and dropping some dialogue like “sorry you found out I’m a murderer.”

Some of the campers then go out into the woods to pee, including Eva. They find Richard’s body in the woods and are properly freaked out. When they return to the campfire and he is still there they are like, “dude you are such a dick”. But even after being told he never left and clearly realizing some shit is up they still sit down to hear the next story. I guess no one thought to write a script.

I don't remember '80s video games like this!

The last segment is Julies’ story. Her sister Alex is a chess expert who announces her crusade against a gaming company that releases games that mistreat women and reinforce little boy fantasies. You know like shitty eighties horror movies did. This movie is so meta. Really you have no idea just wait and see. After her press conference she is kidnapped by the crazy owner of the company and forced to play a game for her life. Solve the puzzles and live, fail to and die. Spoilers, she solves the puzzles and turns the table on the bad guy.

This might be the most interesting story, but it is hampered by a lack of resources. They clearly didn’t have the budget necessary to tell what was on the page and because of that things look a bit flimsy. The traps aren’t as clever as they should be and using terrible Atari 2600 video game graphics to track the progress of Alex and the dangers pursuing her looked terrible in the late eighties and haven’t aged well since. Still there is a bit of something here that did have me perked up in my chair. Props for that.

After this final story, the demon Richard jumps up and is pissed that they weren’t good enough to make into a movie, unintentionally meta. Using finger guns… I shit you not… he murders all of Eva’s friends. Then she wakes up. Apparently she fell asleep next to the campfire and dreamt the whole thing. Then we see her being interviewed after her script has been turned into a movie. The movie we just watched. Which the demon was mad that wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

In the end no one dies, nothing matters, and this was a waste of time. Though I’ll admit I had a bit of nostalgia as this is the sort of nonsense I used to rent. Sadly despite that I can’t recommend Terror Eyes.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Secret Santa by Andrew Shaffer

Completely at random I stopped by an actual brick and mortar store. Browsing the horror section, as I am apt to do, I was excited to see that Max Brooks had put out a Bigfoot book, Devolution, which I reviewed here. Quite by accident I saw a display for Secret Santa and the cover grabbed my attention. I figured it sounded good so while I was there I grabbed a copy.

The book, set in the eighties, has us following a young book editor named Lussi. She has lost her job due to some corporate mergers and while successful in bringing horror novels to market is struggling to find a new job. Her last hope is an interview at a stuffy company, Blackwood-Patterson, which leans more into “legitimate” novels. While speaking to the owner, who is dismissing her earlier work, he has a heart attack and later dies. Speaking to his son Lussi manages to work her way into getting a job as a senior editor with the promise to bring in the next Stephen King to the struggling company.

What follows are some resentful co-workers, spooky encounters with a mysterious man in the park, and a stolen fruitcake as well as a series of unfortunate accidents that may or may not be accidents. In fact there is something evil loose in the old office building Blackwood-Patterson occupies and it is killing people. Lussi eventually figures out her connection to the thing and tries to stop it, though that might come at a huge cost. 

This book is billed as a horror comedy in several of the listings I’ve looked at. I don’t think that is accurate as I never found anything funny about the story. That said I did appreciate the horror elements. This plays out much like an eighties low budget horror movie with a simple and predictable plot that checks the necessary boxes before reaching a conclusion that is both expected and satisfying. We even get a fun little epilogue that jumps to thirty years later where we see future Lussi and get a hint as to how things may turn out for her.  Much like the movies I compared it to earlier Secret Santa is an uncomplicated and easily accessible bit of fun. The story jumps right to the action and is a quick read. I finished it in around four hours spread over a couple of nights.

If you are of a similar vintage to myself, you might also get a kick out of some of the eighties references. Shaffer doesn’t beat you over the head with them but just gives the reader a tease to remind them when the story is set. The deaths in the book are tame, but this isn’t the kind of read that I would expect to be terribly disturbing or gory. We also don’t get much into the “head” of the creature and know what the motivations are beyond it being hungry for the pain of others. There was probably more meat on the bone of this story, but it was left behind to keep things humming along.

The word that keeps popping into my head when I am writing this review is lite. Secret Santa is a bit of fluff that is enjoyable but will probably be forgotten not long after finishing it. That isn’t a criticism as I really did enjoy the book. This goes back to something I bring up every so often and that is not everything has to be art. Sometimes it can just be fun. If you are looking to enjoy yourself with something a little bit spooky then I’d recommend picking up a copy.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Halloweenland by Al Sarrantonio

This was a random pickup from my local library book sale and was a total blind buy. I had never heard of Sarrantonio, but the cover of the book looked pretty cool and I thought the name could be something right up my alley. I decided to take a shot and tossed it at the top of my to read pile when I got home.

Bill Grant is a police detective in the small town of Orangefield where he has experienced “weird shit” which is how the character describes all of the supernatural things that seem to happen in his town. This includes a woman being visited by her husband, who at the time was lying dead in the back seat of his friends car after being run down on the road. That visit results in a child that is fathered by Samhain… who I think is death or maybe works for death. There seems to be something that I’m missing because there are characters and history referenced that I’ve not seen explained.

It was about this point where I realized that Halloweenland is a sequel to another book called Horrorween. That would have been helpful to have known before jumping into this one. Nevertheless I soldiered on. Grant gets caught up tracking down the child of this weird encounter after he is unsuccessful in stopping her birth, it is a girl. The kid is five when she returns to town to end the world. How? I’m really not sure as that is another thing that isn’t explained at all. This time I don’t think it has anything to do with the prior book though, just not fleshed out. Some characters die, who I think are from the previous book, and then it is over.

This book was a chore to get thru and it is only two hundred thirty-six pages long. The last seventy plus pages are the novella which is basically almost identical to the first seventy pages of the book which it was expanded to. I suppose this is a “bonus”, but I felt a bit cheated. In fact this entire book felt like a big cheat. The ending is rushed and isn’t satisfying at all. Though I wasn’t invested in the paper-thin characters but I did spend a few hours reading Halloweenland so I should get some kind of actual resolution. When I got to the final page I honestly muttered, “what the hell was the point of this?”. I mean other than to make a few bucks. I spent twenty-five cents on my copy at the sale and it wasn’t worth it.

I get that some folks might immediately think that I should read the other book before being too hard on this one. But a good author can and will make continuing stories accessible to new readers. Even if this is a brief conversation between characters recapping what has happened it shouldn’t be that difficult. Considering how short the actual book is, especially not counting the pages from the “bonus novella” it seems like they had plenty of room and that the effort to do so would have been minimal. Hell they don’t even mention anywhere on the cover that this is the second in a series or give any other warning to a potential reader.

What was on the cover of the paperback that I purchased was a quote from the Washing Post Book World claiming that the author was “A very talented writer.” With all due respect I believe we shall have to agree to disagree on this. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one. There are much better books out there that cover similar stories and settings. May I suggest the Oxrun series from Charles Grant a couple of which I’ve reviewed for the site here and here.

 

Ó Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama 2 (2022)

Sometimes the only thing I can do is rock and forth and mutter “Why dear God… why do they do this?” Okay that might be overly dramatic but it is how I felt after watching this so called sequel to Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama (the title suddenly makes sense now, right?). In fact, it is more of a remake or rehashing of that flick, which I genuinely love in all of it’s cheesy glory. More on that later.

There are girls getting ready to pledge a sorority. To do so they must put up with all sorts of hazing, until the den mother Auntie Snake puts and end to it. If you are wondering Auntie Snake is the sister of Linnea Quigley’s character Spider from the original. Why is she the den mother when Spider wasn’t one of the sorority girls from the first movie but instead a thief who coincidentally was breaking in the bowling alley? Who cares because there is a shower scene and once again some dumbass fraternity boys are spying on them. Only being in the now they are using a series of cameras to catch them all naked and what not. But then why are they immediately outside the open window other than to be caught like in the first movie? Who cares because they do and then are forced to go to the bowling alley like in the first movie.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama 2 eventually makes its way to the bowling alley after thirty minutes of runtime. Did I mention that the movie is only sixty two minutes long? So half the movie is them dicking around at the sorority house doing nothing and going nowhere. Cool… not really! It takes another seven minutes of a bowling/flirting montage before they knock the trophy over and the imp gets loose. Credit where credit is due, I did like the way they brought the imp back. Some stupid shit happens and then the movie is mercifully over.

Before I start my review let me get one thing out of the way. This is the argument that I always have with remakes and make no mistake this is in effect a remake. I mean they ignore the original plot and have a character die that didn’t (Snake wasn’t the only survivor movie…) and somehow tie the Snake characters sister into the sorority without any explanation. Since it is a remake then I fell completely justified comparing this to the original and making judgements based on the two side by side. I also don’t accept the idea that “because the first one was dumb entertainment” that I should automatically accept that this one can be terrible, and I should like it. I’ll explain more about that below.

This movie doesn’t need to exist, and I certainly didn’t need to waste an hour on it. My biggest issue is that it is clear that zero effort was put into making this sequel. I’ll admit that the original isn’t exactly a classic or an example of top notch filmmaking. But the overall attitude and the fact that everyone involved in front of as well as behind the camera is giving it their best effort comes across. The actresses, real scream queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer could act as well as take off their clothes. Director David DeCoteau keeps the action moving along and never lets the audience think too much about how silly the proceedings are. I haven’t even mentioned the funny dialogue and wisecracking imp. Finally, the special effects while on a budget are fun.

How does this compare to this one? The actresses were clearly picked for their willingness to disrobe on camera and not for their ability to deliver lines. That might be due to the lack of quality actresses to pull from here in Cleveland Ohio where this one was shot but still isn’t an excuse. Then again, they aren’t given much to work with as this is an abbreviated, again only sixty two minutes long, cliff notes version of the original. The dialogue at it’s best is recycled from the original with any updates coming off as being written by an aspiring high school drama club original. Brinke Stevens is back as director and the ghost of her character from the first, along with Michelle Bauer's character, but that doesn’t save the movie. In fact, her direction is uninspired. The camera never moves resulting in a very static and boring set of visuals. Say what you want about DeCoteau, but he could shoot a movie, even with no budget.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama 2 is yet another example of Charles Band making a sequel/remake of one of his recognizable properties without putting any effort into it. He used to care about the silly shit Full Moon cranked out and that is why as a fan I cared. Please do me a favor and skip this soulless cash in on our nostalgia and watch the original instead. That movie is a blast and deserves to be in everyone’s collection. This one shouldn’t have been made or at a minimum been made better.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Satan’s Slave (1976)

The movie opens with a guy in a goat’s mask doing some sort of Satanic ritual. There is a very naked lady on an altar… this becomes an indication of what is to come… and he sacrifices her to the devil or perhaps his evil mistress. I think they are trying to reincarnate a powerful witch named Camilla. Though I’m not entirely sure. Then we see a fella named Stephen romancing a lady before she gets very naked and then gets dead. This also includes a surprisingly explicit bit with some scissors and her lady bits!

Now we meet Catherine, whose first scene has her naked and in bed with her boyfriend. She is about to go on a road trip with her parents to meet an uncle for the first time. They get in the car and then there is a terrible accident on said uncle’s doorstep where the car hits a tree and explodes with only Catherine surviving. The Uncle, Alexander, takes her in and introduces his son who is the guy Stephen from earlier. This isn’t going to end well. The rest of the movie has Catherine seeing premonitions and dreaming of the past. This basically gives them a chance for more naked ladies. Also, her boyfriend back in London is hexed by Stephen and throws himself off a building. It all wraps up in a typical seventies’ bummer ending.

This is an odd movie that I suppose fits into the Satan worshipper’s horror subgenre of the seventies. The first fifteen minutes are interesting as are the last fifteen.  Unfortunately, the hour in the middle is painfully slow and boring. There are a lot of scenes that try to explain what is happening to Catherine, but in an effort to keep the big twist ending secret don’t really do much to keep the audience’s attention. I mean how many times do we have to see Stephen or some other hooded cultist stripping and killing ladies? No matter how well executed and sleazy those scenes are they get awfully repetitive and don’t move the story along.

What you doing with those scissors?

That said I did appreciate some of the gore gags we get. There is a bloody eye that is a neat visual, some stabbings including guts oozing out, a branding, and a nasty bit with some broken glass used to dispatch a duplicitous assistant. Though the two highlights are the boyfriend’s head popping from hitting the pavement and a cringeworthy nail file to the eyeball which is surprisingly front and center on the screen. I also liked much of the odd angles used in the camerawork as well as the shadows and lighting. It all adds to the unsettling creepy vibe to Satan’s Slave.

What really kills the movie for me though is the glacial pacing. The movie focuses so much time on them walking around and Catherine slowly realizing that her uncle and cousin are bad people. Oh, and I’m not sure if things in England are different, this is an English flick, but she is pretty quick to jump into bed with her first cousin. In case what I just said isn’t clear she and Stephen do the horizontal tango! Again, that adds to the sleazy vibe but isn’t she supposed to be our heroine? Toss in an odd twist at the end with her father and the final typically seventies implied bummer fate of our main character for a movie that makes you ask. What was the point?

While there are some cool bits here and there, I just can’t recommend Satan’s Slave. There are far better examples of movies with a similar plot that are far better executed and less sleep inducing.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell (1995)

I’ve been meaning to check this one out for a few years now. I remember when this came out seventeen years after it was made there was a lot of buzz around it. It was billed as the Japanese Evil Dead, which is probably a disservice since those are big shoes to fill. But I can see why that was done since there are several gags that clearly were inspired by Rami’s classic. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The movie opens with a man being attacked by a woman who he is attempting to break up with so that he can marry another. She loses her mind and swears if he can’t be hers then he will be no ones. This leads to her attacking and when he defends himself, she is killed. Rather than call the authorities the man just buries her body under the floor of the house. Then the action moves to more than twenty years later.

Shinji, the man’s son from earlier, is working out. He apparently has quit his job and become obsessed with bodybuilding when his lady, Mika broke up with him. She is an aspiring journalist who is doing stories on haunted locations, so she shows up at his house. After some awkward small talk, the subject of the “house” comes up. Seems Shinji had told her some spooky stories about the house his father owned, and she wants to investigate it. He agrees and the pair, along with a medium, head out. After the tour things start to get crazy as the medium is attacked by a wall clock, becomes possessed by the vengeful ghost of the murdered woman, and goes on the attack. Much mayhem ensues and sure enough Shinji grabs a shotgun and drops “groovy”. Hey, I did say there were some familiar gags.

This low budget horror flick is a prime example of what you can do with a little bit of planning and a cohesive script. Clocking in at just over an hour long they waste little time establishing the characters before setting off to the house. Really, we only have the three characters and I suppose the ghost so not wasting too much time on them is a good idea. There are some wisecracks from the skeptic Shinji before things begin to get spooky. The character does feel inspired by Ash based on his hijinks and reactions to the situation. And of course, the fact that the only weapon he has against the angry ghost is his… you guessed it Muscles! While not terribly original I will give the filmmakers credit for making a movie that does have some twists and is entertaining.

Deadite on  budget!

The ghost and the possessed tend to pop into screen from odd angles and while not at all scary there is a fun vibe to their appearance. This is enhanced by the odd camera angles that the director chooses giving the movie a unique visual style that is reminiscent of Evil Dead without feeling like an exact copy. There is only one gory gag seen onscreen and that involves a knife to the back of the noggin’ with a protruding eyeball. It is goofy and fun and made me laugh. I also enjoyed that Shinji has to suck the demon out of Mika to save her from being possessed.

Bloody Muscle Bodybuilder in Hell isn’t a perfect movie, but I enjoyed it. The runtime is tight, the cast small, and we have one location. These are all key to staying in the budget and control of a micro production. The fact that it was shot on Super 8 also gives the movie a certain grainy charm that took me back to the good old days of independent movies. This is currently streaming on Shudder, and I think is worth a watch. Just keep in mind that it isn’t Evil Dead and to manage your expectations.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

V/H/S/99 (2022)

I know that these anthology movies have been a mixed bag for some folks and that there are a couple of stinkers in the franchise, but I liked the most recent entry so when this showed up on Shudder, I had to take a look. I’m going to tackle each of the segments one at a time in the order that they appear. I’ll start off each bit with the title of the individual story to keep it all organized.

Shredding. The first has us watching a garage band of kids breaking into an underground club that was shut down years before after a terrible accident killed a bunch of folks. Some of them was a band that they liked, or I suppose claim to like. I say that because after they arrive the idiots decide to do some really dumb stuff that angers the ghosts of the band which leads to them coming back and bloody mayhem ensues.

I didn’t like this one at all. There are some neat looking creatures on a budget and some attempts at gore but the way it was shot makes it impossible to follow. I get it is found footage and that the camera is going to bounce around but to then double down on a silly effect to make it look like it was recorded over other stuff that keeps interrupting and bleeding into the picture was bad. I couldn’t tell what the hell I was supposed to be paying attention to.

Suicide Bid. Next up we see an unpopular, or at least it is hinted she is, girl attempting to join a sorority. I guess they call this a “suicide bid” since she is only trying to join the one and is banking her entire social life on making it in. The sisters at the sorority take her to a spooky graveyard and tell her the story of it being haunted by a girl that was buried alive. She needs to climb in a coffin and be buried alive for the night. But we see they are just messing with her. Sure they put her in the coffin and made it seem like she was buried alive, but she wasn’t and they are just hazing her. Though when the cops show up it goes sideways.

This one pushed my buttons. I have a bit of claustrophobia so her being crammed into the coffin is already a bit freaky. But when they add water into the mix (it rains and the box floods) that had me squirming. Of course, we also get a ghost/zombie creature and a fun twist tossed in as well. While not perfect this one was worth my time.

Ozzy’s Dungeon. Remember those weird Nickelodeon gameshows that were geared to kids? Imagine if there was an underground version of that where bad things happened to those who lost but the reward was getting a wish granted by an all-powerful creature called Ozzy. We watch a young woman participate in the show while being cheered on by family. It doesn’t go well, and she ends up with a nasty looking broken leg and loses the game. The action moves to a later time where the girl’s family has kidnapped the host for ruining her life. Some gross stuff happens, and they end up getting her a wish from Ozzy. But that may have been a huge mistake.

I’m not fond of the ending, which seems forced and is unexplained. But there is some gross stuff in this one including that busted leg that gets twisted around again and again. If you don’t like seeing broken bones in your movies, then you will want to hit the fast forward button here. We also get some fun with acid, crawling thru poop, and a monster that is impressive for the lower budget that these filmmakers were working with. Finally, the actress that plays the mother is awesome.

The Gawkers. Next up is a pervy teenager who uses his camera to spy on his neighbors and overall is just a creeper. He and his friends set their sights on the hottie that moved across the street as we see them sneaking peeks at her in the swimming pool wearing her bikini. When his little brother helps her setup her new iMac (it was fun to see the old shipping box… nice touch) they install spyware that lets them use her webcam to be even more creepy. Though they get way more than they bargained for.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned. I loved this one. It dusts off a monster that is hardly ever used in movies. I dug the fact that these filmmakers were thinking outside the box. If you are wondering why I’m delaying in mentioning the creature it is to make sure that no one sees it before processing my spoiler warning above. Okay now is the time. There is a freaking Medusa in this flick! How cool is that? I didn’t see it coming, though they certainly gave us enough hints. The monster and it’s kills are brought to the screen nicely. This was a satisfying and entertaining inclusion in the movie.

Mabel rules!

To Hell and Back. Finally, we have saved the best for last. Some documentary filmmakers are invited by a cult to film their summoning of a demon into one of their willing members. Things go sideways and the pair somehow find themselves in Hell. Luckily, they meet a friendly demon that helps them find their way back home by hitching a ride with the summoned demon back to our world. Seems simple, doesn’t it? Well, there are complications and it doesn’t end well for our duo.

Recently I covered a found footage movie called Deadstream from directors Joseph and Vanessa Winter. This is their segment for this anthology, and it is an absolute blast. The sheer amount of creatures and gore in this one is amazing. We get several demons, dozens of bodies, stabbings, and a CGI demon in the shadows that all work perfectly. These are filmmakers who have a knack for squeezing every penny out of their budget and I can’t wait to see what they do next. I was also happy to see that they brought actress Melanie Stone in to play the helpful demon Mabel. She was great in Deadstream playing a creepy ghost and does an equally excellent job here as a demon. V/H/S/99 goes out strong with this segment.

This was such a great time that I’m obviously recommending it. That first story is weak but push thru that and there are some gems here. If they can keep making good quality horror on a budget I hope that this series never ends. As I’ve already mentioned this is streaming on Shudder. Give it a chance.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Dead Before Dawn 3D (2012)

We meet Casper who has some bad memories of the family business, the Occult Barn. We see in a flashback/dream that he watched his father die on the floor after a particularly nasty item fell on him. This has scarred poor Casper who hasn’t set foot in the place since it happened. But when his grandfather, played by the awesome Christopher Lloyd, wins an award he is guilted into covering the shop. The rules are never close during business hours, and never ever go withing spitting distance of an urn.

The girl Casper has a crush on stops by the shop with some other kids from the college and trying to impress her he takes the urn down from the shelf so she can have a closer look. It breaks and he freaks out. They tease him and make up a curse that the evil spirit they just released will inflict on them. Anyone they look at will kill themselves and then come back to murder them. It will be death by hickey… which is a thing, I guess. But if they give a hickey to one of the recently returned monsters after them then they become their slave. Also, they have to put the demon back in the urn before dawn or they will be cursed forever. Much mayhem and silliness ensue as the entire town is trying to kill them before the credits roll.

I watched this one when it first came out. Damn that was ten years ago! I remember liking it a lot and I have to say that nothing has changed. The story is solid and checks a lot of boxes for me. They quickly establish the characters and the outline of the story. Then they jump right into the action with lots of creatures show up and start killing folks. Honestly, that is about all you can ask from a monster movie like Dead Before Dawn. They double down on the fun with a creative twist where the characters make up the curse as a goof, not knowing that the demon they release is angry and uses it against them. So we get for the first time in cinematic history Zemons, half demon and half zombie! This is a nice and funny take on the typical possessed and/or zombie flicks that we get so often.

If what you have read so far hasn’t clued you in yet this movie is played for some laughs and it works. From the silly nature of them making up the rules to the curse on the fly to one of our main characters getting turned into a Zemon when he gets a “dickey” from one of them there is a lot here that had me smiling. They even acknowledge that they have cast Christopher Lloyd by having his character yell a familiar catch phrase when he finds the broken urn. You know the one… it rhymes with late dot!

The design of the creatures are generic with them basically just looking pale with weird eyes. But I was okay with that as they do look demonic. There are also some fun kills that while not overly explicit are creative and work with the overall comedic nature of Dead Before Dawn. There is a kick to the face, a leap from a balcony, some trophy stabbing, crossbow action, a toaster in the tub, and a gnarly looking snapped neck. Though my favorite is the death by first down marker at the football game.

Good cast, decent creatures, fun kills, and jokes that land most of the time make for an entertaining way to kill an hour and a half. I feel like this one maybe slipped past a lot of folks as I don’t see that many people talking about it. I recommend you all give it a chance. It is a lot of fun.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer