Huge Shark (aka. Red Water) (2021)

Shark movies have been popular lately or at least have been mined by filmmakers. This one kicks off with a couple of people on a rowboat spearfishing. How do you do that on a boat and not in the water? This isn’t the kind of movie where you ask logical questions. A shark shows up and eats them then we meet our main character, lady doctor. She has a name, but it doesn’t really matter much. Lady doctor is pretty and swims underwater. She also has a sister who is celebrating her birthday with her jerk boyfriend. Jerk boyfriend also brings along his boss, who is also pretty lady.

Are you with me so far? They go on a sailboat for a party. Sister is mad that jerk boyfriend invited lady boss along and acts like a child. This is how they all end up in the water when the shark shows up. They can’t get back on the sailboat, so they swim to a nearby abandoned rowboat. See how they tied the opening in? Well most of them do as sister is eaten offscreen right away. There is some dialogue that explains the drama of why lady boss was invited, and we find out that jerk boyfriend is a jerk. He gets eaten not long afterwards. Then lady boss shows her vulnerable side and becomes sympathetic and is eaten not long afterwards. Then lady doctor kills the shark. Movie over.

I did it again. I poked around streaming services looking for something I would likely regret watching and as it always does the internet provided. Here we have a movie that was made for Chinese television, or at least I think so. The information on this one is a bit sketchy so I had to piece things together from what I could find. Clocking in at only sixty-nine minutes long you would think that if nothing it at least wouldn’t be boring, but you would be wrong.

This Chinese knockoff simply copies other movies that have come out over the last few years. I suppose that is almost too much credit as a cash in when this is really a rip off of the Blake Lively flick The Shallows. Don’t believe me? The damn movie ends up with our heroine doing battle with the shark on a buoy/platform in the ocean. Sure here the main character is a diver instead of a surfer, but does it matter why you are in a wet suit? I think not. But like I’ve said many times while reviewing movies you don’t have to reinvent the wheel to make a fun flick. All you need to do is make it entertaining. Want to guess how well they do that with Huge Shark?

I’ve already hinted at the fact that his movie is painfully slow. Somehow despite being a shorter movie and lifting its entire story the filmmakers still manage to not have any meat on the bone. There is not tension as we always know when the shark is coming in for the attack. They literally show us it is coming! They also telegraph who is the next to die by either making them sympathetic or a complete ass right before they end up on the menu. This is the sort of thing that Deep Blue Sea pokes fun at with Samuel L. Jacksons exit in that flick. That is clever, this is just tedious. Toss in long stretches of dialogue to pad out the running time and you have the cure for insomnia.

The shark is CGI and despite them going cheap on the effects work we hardly get to see any of the attacks on the screen. When we do it is completely tame and disappointing. I will cut them some slack as I’m not sure what is allowed on Chinese television so that might not be their fault. But then they could have shot some more blood for a theatrical release since they had to know they were going to market here as a feature film. Then again that would have required some thought and effort to be put in and it doesn’t seem like that was something they thought about. If it isn’t obvious yet I’m not recommending this one.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Land Shark (2020)

A man and his son are fishing when they “catch” a cow’s head. If that weren’t weird enough for you a giant shark jumps out of the water and heads towards the nearby city. Then the action movies to three days earlier, which we know thanks to the helpful crawl on the screen. There are some science nerds doing experiments on a shark. Why? They want to cure cancer or so the evil… wait we don’t know that yet… the totally not evil corporate CEO tells us. He makes the lovely Dr. Ye move to phase three even after she warns him it is too fast to proceed. But they follow his orders, and the shark gets mad after the treatment. So mad that it starts to smash windows and eat people.

You may be asking yourself “what the hell is going on?”. I know that I was. Well, it turns out the evil… we know this now… CEO wanted to cure cancer by modifying the DNA of a shark by splicing in some Earthworm DNA. Why? SCIENCE BABY!!! This means that even when the survivors of the attack make it out of an escape hatch the shark can now swim thru the dirt to catch and eat them on the land. Neat. Evil CEO makes comic relief skinny guy and his side kick comic relief fat guy catch the shark. How does he manage that after they quit? Shoot a lady! Why? Because he is an EVIL CEO. Were you not paying attention? More shit happens, the Evil CEO gets chummed, the henchmen die, and our comic relief along with the still not dead Dr. Ye kill the Land Shark and save the day.

There has been a weird trend lately with these made for the Chinese domestic film market flicks showing up at stores or streaming online. The most recent one that I’ve covered before Land Shark was Curse of the Kraken. They all have the same formula which is a story that copies some elements of more popular movies, a mess of a cast that is mostly there to die (sadly offscreen omitting any of the red stuff), and an awful CGI beast/monster. This movie is no different. Clearly genetic manipulation of sharks leading to a bloodbath references a movie like Deep Blue Sea. There is the added Evil CEO character that is almost a must in monster movies (especially from Communist China). This gives the movie a “been there done that” feel that doesn’t help matters.

Road Trip with the Land Shark!

We are also inundated by a lab full of characters, only a few of which are ever given names. One of the “named” characters is actually referred to in the subtitles as “glasses guy”. I shit you not! This is how disposable the characters are in the story. Speaking of disposable just about the time when the cast is at a manageable level and you think “okay now maybe I can get interested” we get a couple SUV loads of random henchmen with assault rifles to muddy things up again. Spoilers none of them get names and all are dead before the credits roll.

Our monster is an awful CGI shark that they can’t seem to keep in scale. Just to be clear I’m not talking about it growing larger as it feeds. That I totally get. But when it attacks the lab what we see underwater could clearly not be swimming around in the two or three feet of water on the set that the actors are in. Even when it switches to the underwater shots of the shark in the lab it is generic footage that looks like it was intended to show it in the open water. I don’t expect Jurassic Park here fellas, but at least put some effort into it. I can’t remember the last time I was this bored of a movie and this thing only clocks in at seventy five minutes long. How did they manage that?

This is a terrible movie that I can’t recommend. When you make the worst Asylum movie look interesting, which Land Shark does, then you are in big trouble. Very big trouble. I really need to stop watching these… but maybe the next one will be good. I know I have issues.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Cave of the Sharks (1978)

After we watch an extended opening credit with folks parasailing and frolicking on the beach we then see a man in an ambulance. He is a diver who has been missing for six months. His name is Andres and he wakes up in the hospital with his brother and lady, Angelica, looking at him. The police also show up and want to know where he has been. He has no memory of what happened, and they swear that they will be back to ask more questions… but the character of the detective is never seen again. We get a few flashbacks of stock footage underwater and sharks and then Angelica takes him home.

There is also an airplane that crashes. It apparently was carrying some important stuff in a box that the “organization” wants back. I think this is supposed to be a mob or at least a criminal thing. But honestly like much of the rest of the movie it isn’t explained. Mr. Jackson is sent to hire some divers that won’t ask questions and of course he ends up hiring Andres who now has a new boat and partner. When did that happen? Not a freaking clue! They dive for the plane, find sleeping sharks, Jackson double-crosses them, and Andres becomes convinced his missing time has something to do with a bright light and cave. More stuff happens and then Andres gets eaten by sharks… wait what? Yeah, he is dead and the movie is over.

This thing is a damn mess. The story makes no sense at all jumping around the story in a confusing jumble of ideas that are never connected. We go from hospital to Andres back in business without any sense of passage of time. I wasn’t sure if this was a flashback to what lead to his disappearance (it wasn’t) until his lady Angelica shows up and I realized it was later on after he was found. The character of Mr. Jackson appears and disappears just to give an excuse for them to go diving and to explain why Angelica dives to the cave herself later. Andres gets shot and can’t go himself you see.

Nom Nom Nom... needed more sharks!

If this isn’t confusing enough for you they drop a bombshell about two thirds of the way thru when you find out that this is all taking place in the Bermuda Triangle and out of nowhere characters start talking about hidden underwater cities and sharks being mind controlled. Though that mind control gag does explain the seemingly, at the time, random ship full of folks who jump in the water and get eaten by sharks. Yeah, guys this just happens without any reason or acknowledgement. To be clear I’m trying to fill in some blanks because nothing else like that happens nor is explained later.

I could also mention the abrupt ending with Andres getting eaten by sharks, the terrible special effects of the plane crashing in the ocean, the fact that all the shark attacks are implied, or that the pacing is glacially slow. I mean long stretches are either taken up by montages of folks dancing, watching people dance, or eating food while watching people dancing. That is a lot of fun (that was sarcasm folks!). The underwater scuba sequences go on and on with action that is hard to follow.

Just to let everyone know for this review I watched the Swedish cut of the movie. According to my research there is about ten minutes cut. Those scenes aren’t expository in nature but are even more padding, so it is even worse if you find the Italian version. Moving on there is more but I’m tapping out and cutting my losses (already have invested ninety minutes watching it). I had hopes of this Mexican/Italian co-production being a hidden gem. Sadly, Cave of the Sharks is a terrible and boring waste of time. If you haven’t figured it out yet I’m not recommending it.

 

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

Bigfoot vs. Megalodon (2021)

nothing in this poster happens!

This title had me thinking I was going to watch some silly CGI fest. You know like Sharknado only with Bigfoot. That isn’t what I got at all. What we have with Bigfoot vs. Megalodon is an animated movie, and I use that term very loosely, that takes place in space. What the hell did I get myself into?

Let me see if I can explain the “plot” of Bigfoot vs. Megalodon to you. It is far in the future and humanity or rather what is left of it has just finished a war with lizard people. Though they look like your classic grey aliens. The evil lizard dudes are now led by Stalin and Crowley… yeah, they use a lot of names like that. Somehow a genetically modified Megalodon survived in the now barren and ruined depths of Earth’s oceans. I guess the Nazi’s did stuff to him. With the help of an ass kissing robot, he steals a ship and starts doing stuff. The lizard dudes want to capture him because of his DNA being weaponized to turn humanity into lizards too.

There is also a princess and her clone boyfriend that talk a lot about having sex and making babies. They also have Bigfoot on the ship with them as he is part of their alliance as well as the princess’ clone sex toy’s best friend. There is some nonsense about Bigfoot getting lured in by Crowley and betraying his friends and then the shark is also around. Stuff happens and then we get left with the idea that they are going to make a sequel. God, I hope not. If you haven’t noticed what we don’t get is any versus action. I don’t think that Bigfoot and the Megalodon share a single scene together!

This movie, and I not even sure I should call it that but for the purposes of this review I suppose I will, is dreadful. The story is impossible to follow with dialogue that sounds as if it was written by a teenage boy. The action seemingly jumps at random between scenes and characters and comes off as choppy. I was paying close attention, both to figure out what I was watching and as a way to stay awake. This might be the most boring attempt at storytelling I’ve ever watched, and I’ve been at this for a long time.

New word... crapimation!

The above isn’t helped by the way the movie is animated. Have you ever played a nineties video game and seen those lame cut scenes? Imagine if you had to watch over an hour of those masquerading as a movie! The character models used are horrible looking, all of the humans are mostly seen in their armor, so they don’t have to try and animate their faces. When we do get to see the princess out of her armor she stands in a static pose for a long time as the camera rolls round. She doesn’t move for the entire scene. When they do try to animate the Aliens, the mouths don’t match the dialogue. Oh, and the Bigfoot… sweet baby Jesus that is just horrible.

What we have with Bigfoot vs. Megalodon is a movie that has zero plot, terrible dialogue, and inept animation. That isn’t a recipe for success. I haven’t disliked a movie this much in a very long time. Frequent readers to the site will remember my rants earlier this year when I plowed my way thru both the Witchcraft and Camp Blood franchises. I would much rather watch any of those again then sit thru this dumpster fire. Don’t be fooled by positive IMDB ratings this is trash.

 

Ó Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Swim (2021)

The Asylum is at it again with the shark movies. This time they have Joey Lawrence of Blossom fame as a dad who has to fight a shark that gets in his beach house after there is a big storm. Sounds like another silly Asylum monster movie, right? Nope they tried to play this one seriously despite the absurd premise. More on that later.

The movie kicks off with a sketchy landlord getting inspected and shut down. His rental property isn’t safe for human habitation you see. After the inspector leaves, he gets a call on his cell phone and it is a family coming to rent the place for the month. Being sketchy he doesn’t tell them the place is condemned and tells them he has fixed everything that was wrong last year. Spoilers… he hasn’t. After hanging up he gets eaten by the shark. We also see that the dad, played by Lawrence, can’t take a plane to meet his family at the house because of a big storm so he has to drive. That leaves everyone else at the house alone.

Nothing works, remember the landlord lied, so they call a handyman. While waiting for him to stop by a couple of them go frolicking in the water and get attacked by the shark. So they have to leave in a hurry. Though they can’t because the car gets smashed, and the handyman gets eaten by the shark that is now in the basement. More people get eaten, Lawrence’s character finally shows up, and the shark gets electrocuted. The end.

I was not expecting much when I sat down to watch Swim, especially after seeing the Asylum logo. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy the goofy tongue in cheek flicks that they have made in the past. They aren’t good movies but can be worth a watch for a few laughs. That is what I was expecting with such an absurd premise. Sort of a parody of the killer alligator movie Crawl. But instead of leaning into the silliness and try to make a comedy ala. Sharknado, they play this one seriously. That was a terrible idea. When you have a mediocre cast of actors, a paper-thin plot that is completely unbelievable, next to no budget for special effects, and Joey Lawrence this is not the path to take.

This movie is boring which is worse than just being bad. At least a bad movie will keep my attention by having me roll my eyes or mutter to myself about the stupid dialogue or effects work. Here we get long stretches of flat dialogue delivered by charisma challenged actors. Even Lawrence who has done some decent television work seems completely lost as what he is supposed to be doing. I’ve seen Hallmark Christmas movies with more emoting than this turkey. That was a bummer.

The special effects go from terrible to passable. Ironically the shark, which is normally the worst effect, is decent enough. The model is shown sparingly, and they try to keep the scale the same and to blend it in when sharing the screen with the actors. I appreciate that as far too many times the effort is lacking in this department. But then they screw things up by doing some questionable stuff with CGI rain and the big storm. I get you can’t afford big Hollywood rain machines but when we have characters walking into the house from a CGI hurricane and they are completely dry come on. How much does a bucket of water cost you? Also reusing the same badly done CGI lightning shot repeatedly was silly.

I could also point out how we have a character grabbed by a shark and supposedly going into shock that suddenly is “feeling better”! Or I could also point out that they do a terrible job of keeping the audience on our toes by telegraphing who is going to be chum and who is going to live. Maybe kill one of the kids and make us think no one is safe. Swim goes so wrong in so many ways that I just can’t recommend it.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020)

 

The trailer for this one caught my eye online. It looks like a fun shark flick and since I’m a big fan of the original Deep Blue Sea I was excited. I think that I skipped the first sequel or at least can’t remember it. I can tell you after watching this one that it is okay to jump into this movie without having seen the first two. In other words, this isn’t a franchise that has a continuing narrative for you to follow… just a lot of hungry sharks! Now onto the review.

The movie kicks off with some do-gooders shooting some footage at a fishing village that has been mostly abandoned because of climate change. After some chatter about biodiversity and ecosystems there is an encounter with a great white shark where the researcher is bumped. The divers surface and we are introduced Emma and her team. They are studying a local shark nursery and how it is being affected by the global warming. It isn’t long before a fancy corporate owned ship shows up chasing some bull sharks that they claim are a danger to the nursery. On the ship is an old colleague and ex-boyfriend of Emma named Richard. He is also a marine biologist and is leading the team trying to catch the bull sharks.

Now if you have ever seen a Deep Blue Sea movie you know that the corporate guys are up to no good. The sharks they are chasing have been modified and are not only aggressive but also super intelligent. Yeah, they basically gave an apex predator the ability to figure out what we are doing and set traps for us. That seems like a terrible idea. The bad guys do what they do, lots of people end up as chum/supper, and we have an epic final showdown between Emma and the last shark.

I’ve mentioned in reviews before that I don’t mind a formulaic movie if it is executed well. Deep Blue Sea 3 knows what the formula is and adheres to it religiously. The jump scares come when you expect them, the bad guys go from jerks to murder at the drop of a hat, the father figure ends up dead, and of course there is the ironic kill. That last one is more of a trait of this series. It isn’t a Deep Blue Sea movie unless someone says something prophetic right before ending up as lunch! While I saw everything coming the movie is fast paced and only lingers on the good stuff like the kills. Sure, there is a little bit of character development fleshed out in some dialogue, but this movie concentrates on the sharks and the damage that they do. The filmmakers know what the audience wants and gives it to us.

The special effects are fun. The sharks are mostly all CGI work, but it looks good, so I have no issues with it. We have a nice number of kills from the shark violence. The kills are creative and different, which is cool for a shark movie. Some of the highlights are an arm in a fishing net, a half a diver still being pulled by his sled, a head gets chomped, and the requisite profess your love before being yanked to your doom. My favorite kill has to be a snatched from mid air gag that was funny. I do really like the kills and the creatures in Deep Blue Sea 3.

I’m always down for a good shark movie. That said I must warn you all that I have low expectations for them. I want some fun and creative kills, a few jump scares, and characters that at a minimum I don’t hate. You might be surprised how many movies in the shark subgenre aren’t able to meet these standards. Deep Blue Sea 3 met them and because of that I had a good time. No one will ever consider this a classic movie, but it’s a fun watch. With that in mind I’m recommending it.

  

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Ice Sharks (2016)

 

More movie reviews and more sharks! They seem to go hand in hand lately so when I noticed this bad boy pop up on my Amazon Prime list, I knew I had to check it out. So many questions needed answered. Are these sharks made of ice. Do they lurk at weddings as strange sculptures waiting to pounce? I NEED TO KNOW!

The movie starts off with a guy hunting a polar bear, or at least the stock footage of one. His dog sled gets too close to the edge of the ice flow and a shark jumps out eating his dogs and then him. Later some people go to investigate the missing hunter and they get too close to the edge and also almost get eaten. Then the sharks attack the research station that is also sitting next to the edge of the water and cut it loose so that it eventually sinks. I mean it totally is watertight, so they don’t die right away. That means the survivors must keep trying more and more complicated ways to escape that involve them swimming outside and getting eaten. Eventually they are rescued the end.

This is an Asylum movie and it is terrible. You get the same bad acting and thin story that most Asylum movies hit you with on a regular basis. Characters do dumb things and the cast trips over poorly written dialogue all while stuck in the middle of absurd situations. Seriously guys just stay away from the edge of the water and you will be okay! The sharks can’t walk… at least they haven’t made that movie yet.

The movie has a lot of very bad CGI as all the creature effects and gore is digital, and not even well-done work at that. It appears they had the same models that they just kept inserting in scene after scene. The live action stuff with the cast doesn’t match the digital work and is very distracting. The kills are basically the footage of the cast member with a digital shark superimposed over it as if they are being eaten… thru the bottom of the shark! The only time they try something practical is with a God-awful bit involving a severed leg that looks like they grabbed a ham off of the craft services table. Which begs the question does the Asylum feed their cast? As I’ve already mentioned all of the above is to be expected when sitting down to watch a movie from the Asylum so that isn’t my biggest issue with the movie.

What I didn’t expect from Ice Sharks is for it to be so damn boring. Even if these movies are bad, they can still be entertaining by tossing a bunch of silliness at the screen. Here we get nothing. The first part of the movie is them wandering too close to the water and getting attacked. The second half is them swimming out of the sunken building trying their increasingly complicated escape plans only to be eaten. Things are so repetitive and joyless that I found myself watching the clock hoping for this to be over. And yes, I stuck to the end. Make my sacrifice mean something and skip Ice Sharks. Not recommended.

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Trailer Park Shark (2017)

 

I was browsing the shelves of my local big box department store and a DVD caught my eye. Trailer Park Shark called out to me saying, “you know I’m a shitty movie, but you have to buy me.” I did my best to resist but then I saw that Tara Reid was in it. Still I resisted. Then I saw Dennis Haskins name on the box and read the synopsis. Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell is the bad guy! Yeah, I bought the damn movie and a six pack of beer. What else am I going to do with my Saturday night?

The residents of a trailer park are trying to hook into a new windmill to steal electricity, so they can be off the grid and save some money. While this is happening the levee/damn is blown up and the trailer park gets flooded. The movie then rewinds to introduce us to the characters and give some background before returning to the action. When the flood happens, a shark is dragged in and starts eating everyone. Our hero, a guy named Rob, uses the electrical wire and shocks the shark to death… or does he? The shark absorbs the juice and uses it later to zap its victims.

While this is happening we also find out that the evil Deconnard, Haskins’ character, sent his minions to flood the park so he could claim the land and develop it to make some serious money. But Rob saw them so now they must return to the flooded park to kill him and all of the other the witnesses! Sharks and a homicidal gang of bad guys. That can’t end well.

This is a terrible movie that I enjoyed the heck out of. The plot is completely absurd and is filled with characters that are cardboard cutout stereotypes of rednecks. But I think that is exactly what they were going for and if that is the case mission accomplished. The cast knows what kind of movie that they are in and are clearly enjoying themselves. Haskins especially is having a blast chewing up scenery getting to be the villain. We even get a funny extended cameo from Tara Reid of Sharknado fame sitting on a trailer dropping one liners with of course one of them referencing the Sharknado franchise.

This is not going to end well

Given that this movie couldn’t have had much of a budget the shark is brought to the screen with CGI. Particularly bad CGI that looks terrible. But for a movie named Trailer Park Shark that is what I would expect. In fact, I would have been annoyed if they “wasted” good special effects work on this movie. The kills are generic and there is a lot of CGI blood tossed at the screen. Again this normally a deal breaker for me, but here it fits so well I wasn’t annoyed too much.

Most of the time when a filmmaker sets out to make a “bad” movie they actually make one that is too terrible to watch. This one is enjoyably goofy and entertaining with a cast and crew that seems to be in on the joke. I found myself laughing and smiling from opening scene to end credits. Not to be taken seriously Trailer Park Shark is a good time if you sit down with the right expectations. Plus, the dog lives! If the dog lives in your movie then I immediately give you a thumbs up.

  

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Piranha Sharks (2017)

There are a lot of shark movies out there. Some good, some bad, and some just mediocre. Still I just can’t help myself. I think it is a sickness…

This is a simple story that we have all seen before. Random big corporation decides that the weaponized genetically engineered Piranha Sharks they couldn’t control well enough for a military application would make an excellent holiday gift idea! Really this is what they do when the little buggers break out and eat one of the scientists from the inside out. They think they can control the growth and make them pretty much harmless, but they can’t. Before you can say corporate greed the first batch of them are in the water system and taking over NYC. It is up to a couple exterminators and a slacker to save the day.

This is another of those movies that I had to watch after hearing the title. Most of the time that goes horribly wrong, but here it wasn’t so bad. First, I should point out that the movie is being played for laughs. From the Hallmark Christmas movie looking opening credits to Kevin Sorbo playing the mayor who doesn’t like to wear pants this is absurdly silly from start to finish. Piranha Sharks gave me just about everything that I expected. In addition to what I’ve already mentioned there is a bit with a sick dude getting killed on the toilette, random stripper girl dying in the bathtub, and an attack at a bar where the little sharks are swimming unnoticed in the drinks. If that isn’t enough to interest you there is an odd infomercial shown in the movie for the Piranha Sharks where former baseball player Jose Canseco professes his love for them! This movie is just plain weird.

The special effects are CGI. All of it is terrible and looks goofy as hell. The piranha sharks remind me of monsters from a bad PlayStation game and I’m talking the old school original with the blocky graphics. We get some CGI blood, but the kills are all tame and dumb. They even take the time to put a CGI helicopter in when they could have totally skipped that scene. Normally this would bug the hell out of me. Here this level of incompetence in digital effects feels right. It just fits with the rest of the movie and is sort of what I would have expected. In some weird way better effects might have ruined the laughs, which again is what this movie is aiming for.

The best part about the movie is the cast. Everyone is having fun with their roles and not taking themselves too seriously. Our three main leads, the exterminators, have some decent chemistry and are very funny. The writing is decent and pokes some fun at the tropes of the genre with gags like the piranha sharks suddenly learning how to fly which leads to the line, “Flying Air Breathing Piranha Sharks. I didn’t see that coming.” I felt like they were purposely poking fun at the genre, and it works.  

This isn’t a good movie. I can’t even say that it is that funny. But I didn’t hate it and found myself laughing in some spots. Piranha Sharks is one of those silly flicks that you watch once and likely never think about again. Not sure if that is a glowing endorsement of Piranha Sharks but it is the best I can do. I found this one Amazon Prime and watched it for free. That seems about the right price.  

  

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

House Shark (2016)

You might be asking yourself, “Did I just read that title correctly?”. Well you did. The next logical thought is that it must be about a slick relator that corners the market and makes a lot of money, but you would be wrong about that. Nope this is about a shark that lives in a house and kills anyone that dares step foot in it.

We meet Frank, who is about to reenter the dating scene after being divorced. He has his young son with him and after some chatting they go downstairs, and we meet the babysitter. This is important because later on when she is on the toilette the house shark gets her. Frank sees this happen and is traumatized by it. Two months later he and his son are living in the backyard, afraid to go into the house. But events occur that force Frank to team up with a couple of house shark experts to go back in and do battle with the beast. What are those events? Well an odd reality company wants to sell the house and shows it without his permission. This leads to a couple being eaten in the living room. This is a weird movie…

House Shark has the feel of a movie that threw a ton of jokes at the wall to see how much would stick. We get the typical Jaws references including a spoof of the famous Quint monologue that is actually pretty good. The actor playing Abraham does his best impression of the character while explaining the horrors of the House Shark attack at the parade of homes, which is standing in for the Indianapolis sinking. What didn’t seem to fit was his strange beard. That is until you understand one of the other gags. Let me sort it out for you. We have characters named Frank, Abraham, Zachary, and Franklin’s wife is named Lady Bird. Get it yet? All of them are named after presidents or first ladies. The Abraham/Quint character is sporting a very fake beard, which they even reference at the end of the movie. I was sort of amused by this and it was another of those jokes that feels tossed in.

If you are easily grossed out, you might have issues with House Shark. Not because it is gory, but because it uses what my mother used to call “potty humor”. We see butts, both real and rubber. Another of the characters gets peed on while thanking the Fuhrer… Weird shit is happening here. There is an ugly cry complete with snot running down a character’s face. Talk of period farts and lots more like gross out humor like that. Though my favorite joke refers back to Jaws when a little girl runs up to Franklin and kicks him in the nuts for not stopping her adoptive parents from being eaten in the living room. That part isn’t so funny, but her being mad about having to return to the high kill adoption center had me laughing.

My only complaint about the movie is that it runs too long. Some of the jokes just don’t work and could have and would have been cut by a decent editor. House Shark is one hundred and eleven minutes, which is crazy for an independent movie like this. Better to be shorter by twenty minutes and focus on the jokes that land.

This is one of the flicks that has to be seen to be believed. It is so strange and goofy that I can only begin to scratch the surface here in the review. Do I recommend this one? If you are in the mood for a few laughs and not wanting to take it seriously I think House Shark is the movie for you.

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Bad CGI Sharks (2019)

Some titles just grab your attention and don’t let go. Bad CGI Sharks is one of those that once I saw it pop up online, I knew that I was going to have to watch the movie. I figured it would be a terrible killer shark flick that would try to play the formula for laughs and would be disappointing. Imagine my surprise when that isn’t what I got at all.

This is the story of two brothers. Matthew is the youngest and most responsible one. He has a job or at least does when the movie starts. His older brother, Jason, is a crazy man child that is still holding onto their boyhood dreams of making an epic shark movie. When their father gets fed up with Jason, he ships him out west to go live with his brother Matthew. The brother’s reunion is complicated by the fact that a magician named Bernardo has decided to let them live in their shark movie. Something about a muse and his scene clapper allows this to happen. Before you know it, the boys are being chased by a CGI shark that floats around in the air angry that her “people” are being used as villains in the movies.

I realize my plot synopsis is weird but then so is this movie and I love it. I thought for sure we were just going to end up with a movie about badly rendered digital sharks eating up an attractive cast while winking at the audience that it knows it is shitty. What we have here is instead is an interesting story of two brothers reconnecting during a wacky adventure while being menaced by some bad CGI Sharks flying around in pursuit. I never saw that coming and it makes for a fun time. The addition of the character of Bernardo and his breaking of the fourth wall to speak directly to the audience adds an element of whimsy to the proceedings that was a lot of fun and shows how creative and well developed the script was. I’m an old guy who has spent most of his life obsessed with movies so when you can show me something I’ve not seen before I take notice.

Bad CGI Sharks... promised and delivered!

The cast is great, especially real-life brothers Matthew and Jason who play… Matthew and Jason. They have great chemistry onscreen and perfect timing. This is a funny movie filled with great jokes that need to be delivered correctly for it to work. Both guys nail it with perfectly. Matteo Molinari also is equally good as Bernardo winking at the audience as he delivers lines directly towards us. Toss in some funny sight gags like the classic bit with struggling to climb a wall as another character walks a couple of feet to the left and goes thru the opening and you end up with a genuinely entertaining flick.

I could go on, but it should be obvious now that I enjoyed the heck out of Bad CGI Sharks. I went in expecting a bad monster movie and ended up with a well-executed comedy. The fact that the filmmakers were able to pull this off with a budget that was reportedly around six thousand bucks amazes me. Do yourself a favor and track down a copy of Bad CGI Sharks. Not only will you have fun with the movie, but these guys deserve our support. I highly recommend this and consider it to be one of the best independent movies that I’ve seen in years.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Jaws by Peter Benchley

Another Wednesday and another book review here at the Horror Dude Blog and this one is probably the biggest book I’ve ever reviewed, at least for the blog. I think that we have all seen the movie Jaws, I certainly have. But I’ve never read the book. In fact, I’ve never read Peter Benchley at all. Since he was responsible for the nature run amok craze of the seventies and eighties that I love so much it was time to dive in. No better place to start than Jaws. 

The little town of Amity survives on the out of towners that come to rent houses on the beach and spend their money at the stores. Right as the season is going to start a young woman is killed and her partially eaten body discovered on the beach. Sheriff Martin Brody wants to close it down after the coroner determines it was a shark attack. But the town doesn’t want the bad publicity and forces him to bury the news. But then the shark decides to take a few more people and Brody acts, though with a lot of guilt. After many unsuccessful attempts Brody, marine biologist Hooper, and fisherman Quint finally come face to face and do battle with it. Well you know what happens…

Or actually you don’t. The book is much different from the iconic movie that it spawned. You have probably heard the phrase “the book was better” but here it is reversed. Don’t misunderstand I think that this is a good novel and I read it in a couple of sittings which means I was engaged with the story. I can see why Universal bought the rights and turned it into a movie. But the movie does a much better job of realizing where the heart of the story is and focuses on the characters of Brody, Quint, and Hooper. In the book the three are kept apart until the third act. Quint only shows up for a couple of pages before they hire him to hunt the great white. Hooper is a more arrogant and in many ways despicable character. The only one of the three that seems to remain basically the same is Brody. I’m sure that years of watching the movie has influenced my opinions, but I noticed that Benchley worked on the screenplay so I’m thinking that given a second crack at the characters he made some much-needed changes.

Getting back to actually reviewing the book and not comparing it to the movie I’d say that I was satisfied and enjoyed it. The writing is tight and has no slow parts. The story makes sense and is easy to follow. I did find that it ended rather abruptly but has a cool final visual that stuck with me after I closed the back cover. I was left wondering about the subplot of the mayor being into debt with a mobster that was never resolved. This is what drove him into forcing Brody to keep the beaches open, but then he leaves town. End of story. It seemed odd and felt shoehorned in to explain the decision to keep things running even after the bodies start to pile up. I wish that we had some sort of resolution. But these are small issues and overall this is a quick and fun read.

I recommend picking up a copy of Jaws and checking it out. It is a classic that I’m glad I finally got around to reading.

© Copyright 2018 John Shatzer