The Cat and the Canary (1978)

I’m a big fan of the Bob Hope and Paulette Goddard version (review here) of this story shot almost forty years earlier in nineteen thirty nine, so I was interested in this remake. After poking around and finding out that Olivia Hussey, Carol Lynley and an honest to God Bond girl, Honor Blackman starred I was even more excited to check it out. How does it compare and is it worth checking out? Might as well jump in and find out.

After some unpleasantness involving a Cat and a Canary… I guess they took the title a bit literally here… relatives start to arrive for the reading of a will. In total there are six relatives all vying for the fortune of their deceased and odd potential benefactor Cyrus West. There is some frustration as they have been waiting for twenty years as his will stipulated. Why the wait? There seems to be some shenanigans involving him wanting to see who made it that far. Old Cyrus basically feels like his family is undeserving leeches and is playing some games with them from beyond the grave.

After some bickering it is announced that his niece or great niece… they aren’t quite specific about relationships… Annabelle is the sole beneficiary. Though she needs to make it thru the night alive and insane to collect. Yep the old guy set them up with a motive for murder. Though the catch is no one knows who is next in line if she should be unavailable. Though the executor of the will disappears so someone might have found a way to find out. Lots of creeping around the house in the dark while a storm rages outside ensues. There is also some romance between Annabelle and her cousin Michael who I suppose are kissing cousins! Oh, and another murder. Eventually the identity of the killer and their motives are revealed.

This version of the movie made me appreciate the magical delivery and chemistry of Bob Hope and Paulette Goddard. This isn’t quite a shot for shot remake, but it basically is the same story. The main characters of Annabelle (Carol Lynley) and Michael (Paul Jones) don’t have nearly the chemistry which means we have time to notice how linear and at times inexplicably boring the basic plot here is. People come to the house, a will gets read, and then folks start to yell and argue. Even when the first body is found it isn’t all that interesting. There are also attempts at comedy with Michael stumbling around a bit in the dark, but it is quickly abandoned as he simply lacks the chops to pull it off. The dude isn’t funny but that doesn’t stop them from trying.

This version of the story is also much longer clocking in at almost an hour and forty minutes. There simply isn’t enough meat on the bone for that sort of runtime. We spend far too much time on characters that simply don’t matter much to the plot while others like Hussey’s character are totally wasted. Honestly you had her and Honor Blackman on the cast and give them nothing to do? That seems like a bad decision. Much of this I blame on director and co-writer Radley Metzger. That name might sound familiar to you. He was best known for making adult films and I believe that this was his one attempt at a “legitimate” movie. I use quotes because I don’t automatically discount the quality of work in classic adult movies as many are quite good. Here Metzger misses every opportunity to make a decent movie and that is a bummer.

I could go on but honestly, I think that I’ve made my point. There is nothing charming or engaging about this version of The Cat and the Canary. Do yourself a favor and just check out the Hope version. You can pretty much find it streaming all over the place. That movie is very much worth your time this one not so much.

 

© Copyright 2024 John Shatzer

The Blob (1988)

There aren’t many remakes that are worthy successors to the originals, but this is one of them. We meet the inhabitants of a small town including our main characters of the bad boy, Brian Flagg, and the pretty cheerleader, Meg Penny. We get to watch them go about their lives with Meg cheering on the high school football team and going on a date with Paul. Brian gets hassled by the cops and rides his motorcycle around. Meg even has a preteen little brother who sneaks out to see a movie he shouldn’t. When a homeless man pokes an asteroid, it sets off a chain of events that leads to the military descending on the town and quarantining them.

See it wasn’t actually an asteroid that crashed in the woods. It was a biological warfare experiment and is now getting out of hand. The Blob is basically an eating machine consuming anything living, including the locals, and growing bigger after each meal. At first no one believes Meg, including Brian, but soon enough it is impossible to ignore. How do you stop a monster like this? Well, I’m not going to ruin it for you. But then I would expect that you have either seen this or the original, so you probably already know.

This is how you do a proper remake. You take inspiration from the original and respect it but don’t do a shot for shot clone like the Psycho remake. Nor do you ignore what made the original such a good flick and wreck it like Rob Zombie’s Halloween remake. Instead, you remind folks of what was cool and then lean into what you can do that it couldn’t. Here we get to see familiar takes on the diner, the theater, and the old guy kicking things off with some foolish poking it with a stick action. There was something familiar about this that put a smile on my face.

The magnificent '80s mullet

Overall the pacing is solid with not a slow moment in the ninety or so minute runtime. They establish what is happening with a bit of humor. Meg’s dad being the pharmacist was a goofy but cool laugh before the horror starts. But once they get to the creature it is one kill after the other with just enough plot development to make you care about the soon to be blob victims. Not only is this a remake done right but this is a perfectly executed creature feature. The cast is great including Kevin Dillon as Brian. He has the most luxurious of mullets. A pre Saw Shawnee Smith is Meg and does a good job in the role. Young actor Michael Kenworthy is the little brother and plays basically the same role in another movie also made in eighty eight, Return of the Living Dead II.

But here is where they up the ante with The Blob remake. We get a ton of cool creature effects and some nasty kills. The blob oozes around the town eating anyone it finds in some gruesome ways. People get melted on screen with their bones exposed and flesh dripping off. Someone gets yanked down a sink drain headfirst, an annoying theater goer is yanked by the face up to the ceiling, there are collapsing boobs, and a meat sack sheriff too. Though my favorite kill has to be the bent backwards deputy. That one has always stuck with me.

The effects and kills are a blast!

I also dug that they doubled down on switching it up and surprising the audience with some of the plot choices. First up they killed off the character that looked to be the love interest in the most horrific of ways. Yeah, he has an arm off! Hell, they even kill a damn kid including his half empty skull popping up out at the audience. These are very eighties things that were available to the filmmakers and almost expected from that gooiest of decades that simply couldn’t have happened in the fifties.

I loved this movie when I first rented it back in the day and while there are a couple greenscreen shots that don’t hold up the practical effects work and kills are top notch. The cast is fun, and the story perfectly executed. I highly recommend everyone give this one a watch.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

The Crazies (2010)

Here we have another remake that does a good job acknowledging the original while ramping up the gore and violence. Before I spoil too much, I’ll just point out one thing. Like the Dawn of the Dead remake The Crazies also uses a bad ass Johnny Cash song in the opening credits. Maybe the next time someone decides to make a crappy Day of the Dead flick they should think about adding some Cash to their soundtrack. It certainly couldn’t hurt. Now onto the movie. 

The movie briefly shows us how the town is going to end up before jumping back to before shit hits the fan. We met David, the sheriff of Ogden Marsh, and his wife Judy who is the local doctor. They are expecting their first baby and are generally enjoying life in their small Iowa town. One day while watching the local high school baseball game a local walks out onto the field carrying a shotgun. David tries to calm him down, but it goes poorly, and he ends up shooting the man. The man was a recovering alcoholic, so everyone assumes he fell off the wagon. But then the autopsy comes back with him not having a drop of booze in his blood. 

Soon after this another man kills his family by locking them in a closet and burning the house down. Then more people start acting strange. When some hunters find a body attached to a parachute in the woods the David and his deputy go looking for a plane. They find one crashed in a marsh that feeds into the town’s water supply. Suddenly all communication with the outside world is cut, the army shows up, and people start to get crazier. Our survivors find out that the plane was carrying a bioweapon and when it crashed it was unleashed on the town. Who is sick and who isn’t? That is the question they keep asking themselves as they attempt to dodge both the army and the now homicidal sick people, all of whom are trying to kill them. 

I catch some heat for my love of Romero’s The Crazies, but I don’t care. I think that movie is a wonderful bridge between Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead. So, my standards are pretty high, and this movie met them. The pacing is brisk as we get right to the good stuff and never have a slow spot. We see the beginning of the outbreak and watch as the town quickly falls apart. The script does a good job of keeping the characters in the dark until it is revealed by a scientist trying to get out of town exactly what is happening which also serves to fill in the blanks for the audience. By then they have already been thru hell and lost several of their own to the murdering infected. It makes for a fun ride.

If I had to make one observation where this movie was better than the original, it would be the crazies themselves. This is treated as a sickness that has stages. First the infected get real quiet and sort of disconnect with those around them. Then they seem to start with some obsessive behavior before finally snapping and calmly committing murder. Physically the makeup effects change as well. It starts with bloodshot eyes but ends up with pasty skin with veins showing thru. They do a great job of making this disease feel like it is running its course while destroying those infected with it. 

I dig the creature design.

The kills are plentiful in the Crazies with eleven on-screen and many more implied off-screen. Some highlights are a knife to the throat, a hanging, death by oil change, a couple pitchforks to the chest, and my favorite the bone saw to the torso. They don’t shy away from the gore and I appreciate that. The settings for some of the kills are a fun as well. We get people strapped to beds watching a crazy kill people (the aforementioned pitchfork) as well as a surprisingly creepy sequence in a car wash that ends with that hanging. Not only is the gore good but the kills are well thought out and creative. Not too shabby. 

What else can I say about this one. There is a fun cameo from Lynn Lowry who starred in the original which I enjoyed. There is also a fun gimmick with us watching a satellite zoom in and out that foreshadows what is about to happen as well as giving the proceedings some scope. The outbreak is much bigger than the movie shows us. I really can’t think of a bad thing to say about The Crazies. It’s a good movie and I recommend it. 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Blood Freak (2020)

Before I start the review, I need to point out something to you the reader. The directors of this movie, Daniel Boyd and Tim Gross, are very good friends of mine. I write this because I wouldn’t want anyone out there thinking that I was shilling for them. When I review a movie, any movie, I keep things honest and would never try and put over a friend’s project if I didn’t like it. It would be dishonest, and in my experience, people see thru that bullshit anyway. So now onto the review. 

Herschel is tooling around Pittsburgh on his motorcycle when he runs into a chick, Angel, whose car has broken down. He gives her a ride back home listening to her Jesus talk along the way. By the time they get to her house he is converted. That annoys Angel’s sister, Ann, so she sets out to win him away from Angel. This includes getting him to smoke some primo weed that immediately gets him hooked. The only way he can support his new weed habit is to submit to the experiments from a pair of scientists that work for the sister’s father at his Light of God Turkey Farm and Science Farm. Before you know it, Herschel is transformed into a hideous Turkey headed monster that gobbles up anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path. Heh, see what I did there? 

Just in case you didn’t realize it this is a remake of an early seventies flick also called Blood Freak. It is a legendary, at least among certain bad movie crowds, example of the weirdness that was independent drive-in flicks. It seems like an odd choice to remake, but I totally get it. The original isn’t great so if you are going to remake something then pick a movie you might be able to improve on. Boyd, who also wrote as well as co-directed the movie, does exactly that with one very important choice. He cut out all the nonsense and picked up the pacing of the movie. While the original is only eighty-six minutes long it drags horribly at times. With this remake they have managed to fix that. There isn’t a single scene that lingers too long or is pointless and have trimmed six minutes off the runtime. That is a positive for me as a viewer. 

Despite being an independent movie filled with non-professional actors the performances are pretty good. We do get a few spots where some dialogue falls a bit flat, but for the most part its well-executed. This is especially impressive since Boyd doesn’t pull any punches and fills Blood Freak with some witty back and forth banter between his characters. There are some genuinely funny lines that had me laughing. Comedy is hard and I’ve seen enough independent movies attempt and fail to pull this off, so when I see one work I take notice. On a personal note I never thought that my friend Charlie Fleming was so damn funny, but here as Pops he drops some great lines and is awesome. 

The design of the Turkey head when Herschel transforms is every bit as silly as I would expect it to be. It looks good but also has just enough cheesiness that it feels right. I mean this is a cautionary tale about smoking “the weed” where our main character turns into a turkey monster. I don’t want to be distracted by nor do I expect some incredible effects work. The creature fits the story and helps to complete the vibe that I think Boyd and Gross were going for. 

I was very nervous about watching this movie. As I stated earlier, I’m an honest reviewer and I know that in the past I’ve pissed some people off with my coverage of their movies. Thankfully the guys made a fun and entertaining movie that I can totally get behind and recommend. If you want to check the movie out and support independent filmmaking check out the Blood Freak Facebook page here to find out how to order yourself a copy. 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

My series on remakes that I don’t hate continues with this rehashing of the William Castle classic House on Haunted Hill. They were going to be hard pressed to find someone to fill the lead role that was held down by Vincent Price in the original. They did a decent job, and it doesn’t hurt that this one is more of an ensemble cast. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The movie opens in the past in a creepy hospital where horrible experiments are being conducted by a crazy doctor played by everyone’s favorite Jeffrey Combs. Some bad things happen, and the patients get loose murdering most of the staff and setting the place on fire. Years later a family purchases the place and tries to make it a fancy home, which of course is a horrible idea. This flashback morphs into a television show hosted by Peter Graves. If you have ever watched Mysterious Monsters, you will know why this is awesome.

After this is established, we then move onto the main cast. Much like the original we have a rich man, named Steven Price in a nice nod to the star of the original Vincent Price, throwing a party for his wife. They don’t like each other, and it is established that she has already tried to kill him a couple of times. The guests are all strangers and are offered a million dollars if they stay the night in the house. If any of them die, then their money will be split up by the survivors. You know that is sort of asking for trouble, right? There is some debate and the owner of the house, Watson Pritchett played by horror icon Chris Kattan (inside joke sorry…) gets stuck in the place when it goes into lockdown. They are trapped until morning with some homicidal ghosts. Not a great party if you ask me.

This is an example of how you should remake a movie. Much of the narrative is brought over from the original including the feuding spouses, the guests being strangers, and the attempted murder for financial gain. But then they add more depth with the fire and the house being a formal asylum. In the original the guests were really strangers chosen to be witnesses for the murder to help the murderess cover her tracks. While the murder plot is still in the story, we find out that the house reached out to invite the descendants of those who survived the fire. Yes, ghosts can use the internet in this movie! Also remember I said that most of the staff died. The house has some unfinished business I suppose. The fact that this is kept secret for a big chunk of the movie and when we get to the end the survivors share a special trait it makes a lot of sense. They took an already fun premise and built on it while keeping what worked. Why is that so hard for other filmmakers?

Rush makes a decent host for our ghost party

We get the requisite jump scares, and the sets are appropriately creepy. The kills are creative and fun but not too gory. There is an electrocution, stabbing, pencils thru the neck, and the evil wifey Evelyn is absorbed by a shadow. There are some post kill scenes that are fun as well with a faceless guy and a lady gameshow host put on display. Much of the gore is practical work and is decent but there is also some CGI that doesn’t hold up great. Overall, I was pleased with the kills, gore, and ghosts.

Let me finish up with the question that is always on people’s mind when a classic starring a legend is remade. Vincent Price chewed some scenery up in the original and was awesome while doing it. How do you replace him? Well first thing is cast an excellent actor like Geoffrey Rush in the role. He does a wonderful job. Then you surround him with a cast of actors that can help him carry the movie. Here we get Taye Diggs, Famke Janssen, Peter Gallagher, Chris Kattan, Ali Larter, and Bridgette Wilson as our cast of victims. Toss in some work from Jeffery Combs and you have a lot of talent onscreen.

What we have here is a movie with some scares and a creepy vibe. The original is still my favorite, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t watch this bad boy every year around October. I recommend that everyone give House on Haunted Hill a chance remake or not.

 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I suppose it was about time for me to get around to covering this one. There should be two things apparent to anyone that has been following Crappy Movie Reviews. One is Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is my favorite movie. Not my favorite zombie movie, or my favorite horror movie. It is my favorite movie period. Two is that I’m not a fan of remakes. Some have been okay but for the most part I’m not a fan. So clearly remaking my favorite movie means I’m going to hate it, right? Well not so much.

Sarah Polley plays Ana, a nurse who we are introduced to at the end of a long shift at the hospital. We do get some clues about a strange illness and somethings happening in the background that let the audience know something is up. Then she goes home and spends some quality time with her husband. They wake up the next morning and the cute little girl rips out the husband’s throat, he reanimates and comes after Ana. She makes her escape and drives thru a nightmare of death and destruction as the world has fallen apart overnight. She crashes her car and is knocked unconscious. How is that for an opening?

Eventually she is awoken by Kenneth, a cop trying to make it a nearby military base. The pair run into more survivors who warn them that is a bad idea as the road is filled with zombies. All of them end up in the mall where more survivors are added to the group. Some internal conflict happens, they make friends with a named Andy who is trapped in a nearby gun store, and eventually the zombies get in. Luckily, they had a plan and make a run thru the city towards a boat one of them has waiting in a nearby marina.

The cast is solid

While I really wish they hadn’t tried to cash in on Romero’s classic and it really annoys me that I have to now say “the original Dawn of the Dead” when speaking about my favorite movie I don’t hate this one. I’m a sucker for zombie movies that show us the initial outbreak, and this might be one of the best ever. The shock of everything going to hell overnight and then the brutality of the violence is amazing. The movie basically punches you in the mouth and lets you know that it is going for the throat. I dig that.

The cast is very good in their roles with Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer, Ty Burrell, and Lindy Booth as highlights. But hands down my favorite performance and the one that pulls on the heart strings giving the most emotional impact has to be Matt Frewer as the doomed father. I suppose he is supposed to fill that Roger roll where a character you like is bitten and slowly dies. Though it is over a lot quicker in this movie. Frewer’s performance is excellent and the makeup effects used on him help sell what is happening. We also get cameos from Tom Savini, Scott Reiniger, and Ken Foree. There is also a reference to Galen Ross as well as the helicopter from the original Dawn of the Dead. Damn it I hate having to say that!

The zombies and makeup effects work are a mixed bag. We get a lot of CGI assists which is a bummer. I prefer my zombie movies to be filled with latex practical effects work. Though they do make up for it with some stellar practical effects work bringing the zombies to life. From the little girl with no lips, to the guy with the missing legs the zombies all have a unique look to them with many having the evidence of why/how they died. That is a nice attention to detail, though I wish the death scenes were less digital and more practical. Speaking of kills there is some mayhem. You get a stick thru the head, a poker in the eye, an exploding head, a girl’s torso gets split with a chainsaw, and lots of other mayhem. Oh, and before I forget I need to go back to the zombie design and mention my favorite zombie in the movie. A pregnant lady gets bit and we end up with a baby zombie birth! That was pretty cool.

Zombie baby rules!

A couple more things that I wanted to mention. The movie has an excellent soundtrack that includes some Johnny Cash, Richard Cheese, Jim Carroll Band, Disturbed, and believe it or not Bobby “Don’t Worry be Happy” McFerrin. The music is perfectly placed and adds to the fun of the movie. I was also impressed with how clever the dialogue is written and how upon repeated viewings I pick up more and more jokes that put a smile on my face. Writer James Gunn and director Zack Snyder did a wonderful job making a zombie movie. I really just wished they named it something different.

While it isn’t anywhere near as good as the original, I can still recommend the Dawn of the Dead remake to anyone looking for a good zombie romp. Good zombies, funny dialogue, passable gore, and decent creature design makes for a good time. Though if you haven’t seen the original shame on you and watch that first.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

 

Thirteen Ghosts (2001)

Yep I’m going to review the remake of William Castles’ 13 Ghosts (which I reviewed here). That movie has a special place in my heart as it was in heavy rotation back in my formative years watching the local late-night hosted horror shows. What do I think of the remake?

Much like the original the plot is focused on a professor, played here by Tony Shalhoub of Monk fame. Unlike the Castle original this story is much darker as his financial woes are caused by the loss of his wife in a house fire that also destroyed his family’s possessions. Still tied up with lawyers and bill collectors it seems like some good karma has come his way when an uncle’s lawyer shows up to tell him he has inherited a house and a small fortune. The family and the lawyer head out to check out their new home only to find an odd puzzle like structure covered in writing they can’t read.

From the very beginning of the movie before the family is introduced, we see that Uncle Cyrus died while trying to capture a particularly violent ghost. It was his hobby to collect the restless spirits of the dead, which he has stored in the basement of the house! If that isn’t bad enough the family also has to deal with a crooked lawyer (like the original) as well as an assistant of Cyrus that is owed money. Of course, that won’t be the only problems they face. Things get even more interesting when the ghosts get loose to go on a rampage, and of course there is a big twist and betrayal. Good times are had before the credits roll.

Remakes always have an uphill battle when it comes to me as a viewer. I’m just not a fan, but every once in a while, one comes along that kick’s ass. This is one of those movies. The plot is solid and honestly does a much better job of tying the titular ghosts into the story then the original did. Here they are being used to power a machine for nefarious purposes. To that end each of them fills a particular need and because of that each has an actual background beyond looking spooky onscreen. If I’m going to be honest this movie makes way more sense than the first.

The violence and gore are plentiful, which I loved to see. The original plays more like a kid’s movie made for the Saturday matinee crowd. Here we get a solid R rated flick that tosses in nudity and creative bloody deaths. Some of the gore highlights are a guy getting bent in half, another smashed by a car, the lawyer splits (heh… inside joke), and another person is squished on screen by glass walls. The design of the ghosts is great as well. You can see how many of them died as well as just generally looking scary as hell.

I don’t have a negative thing to say about Thirteen Ghosts. It is a fun bit of horror from the early two thousands. I still love the original, but I dig this one as well for totally different reasons. While I normally cringe at the idea of “updating” a classic flick here they did it right. If you get the chance, I recommend checking out Thirteen Ghosts.

© Copyright 2019 John Shatzer