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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Bigfoot vs. Megalodon (2021)

nothing in this poster happens!
This title had me thinking I was going to watch some silly CGI fest. You know like Sharknado only with Bigfoot. That isn’t what I got at all. What we have with Bigfoot vs. Megalodon is an animated movie, and I use that term very loosely, that takes place in space. What the hell did I get myself into?

Let me see if I can explain the “plot” of Bigfoot vs. Megalodon to you. It is far in the future and humanity or rather what is left of it has just finished a war with lizard people. Though they look like your classic grey aliens. The evil lizard dudes are now led by Stalin and Crowley… yeah, they use a lot of names like that. Somehow a genetically modified Megalodon survived in the now barren and ruined depths of Earth’s oceans. I guess the Nazi’s did stuff to him. With the help of an ass kissing robot, he steals a ship and starts doing stuff. The lizard dudes want to capture him because of his DNA being weaponized to turn humanity into lizards too.

There is also a princess and her clone boyfriend that talk a lot about having sex and making babies. They also have Bigfoot on the ship with them as he is part of their alliance as well as the princess’ clone sex toy’s best friend. There is some nonsense about Bigfoot getting lured in by Crowley and betraying his friends and then the shark is also around. Stuff happens and then we get left with the idea that they are going to make a sequel. God, I hope not. If you haven’t noticed what we don’t get is any versus action. I don’t think that Bigfoot and the Megalodon share a single scene together!

This movie, and I not even sure I should call it that but for the purposes of this review I suppose I will, is dreadful. The story is impossible to follow with dialogue that sounds as if it was written by a teenage boy. The action seemingly jumps at random between scenes and characters and comes off as choppy. I was paying close attention, both to figure out what I was watching and as a way to stay awake. This might be the most boring attempt at storytelling I’ve ever watched, and I’ve been at this for a long time.

New word... crapimation!
The above isn’t helped by the way the movie is animated. Have you ever played a nineties video game and seen those lame cut scenes? Imagine if you had to watch over an hour of those masquerading as a movie! The character models used are horrible looking, all of the humans are mostly seen in their armor, so they don’t have to try and animate their faces. When we do get to see the princess out of her armor she stands in a static pose for a long time as the camera rolls round. She doesn’t move for the entire scene. When they do try to animate the Aliens, the mouths don’t match the dialogue. Oh, and the Bigfoot… sweet baby Jesus that is just horrible.

What we have with Bigfoot vs. Megalodon is a movie that has zero plot, terrible dialogue, and inept animation. That isn’t a recipe for success. I haven’t disliked a movie this much in a very long time. Frequent readers to the site will remember my rants earlier this year when I plowed my way thru both the Witchcraft and Camp Blood franchises. I would much rather watch any of those again then sit thru this dumpster fire. Don’t be fooled by positive IMDB ratings this is trash.

 

Ó Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

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