Crypt of Dark Secrets (1976)

I love the fact that I’m still finding regional drive-in flicks that I’ve never seen before. These are low budget affairs made to fill the screens of the local mom and pop theaters, many of them hauled from engagement to engagement in the trunk of a car. It is one of my favorite eras in movie history and produced some real gems like Stanley, The Giant Spider Invasion, and Macon County Line. Is Crypt of Dark Secrets one of those? Let’s check it out and see. 

The movie kicks off with a witch, who we later find out is named Damballa, doing witchy stuff while dancing around a magic circle and levitating. Then it switches to the sheriff’s office where we get a bit of background. They are talking about a local legend of an Aztec witch, Damballa, who lives on a nearby island in the swamp. There is a fully furnished house that no one will claim because everyone gets chased off by the raven-haired girl who can turn into a snake. That is except for the current “young fella” a retired army ranger named Ted Watkins. Ted is looking for a quiet place to spend his time after his tour of Vietnam. 

Since Ted has lasted much longer than anyone else, they decide to visit him. It is here where we find out that he has been cashing his retirement checks and keeping the cash with him on the island. Some locals find out and a plan to steal his money is hatched. The most foolproof way to get away with it is to make sure there are no witnesses so sure enough they murder Ted before making off with the loot. But Damballa brings him back to life for some revenge. Well not really. She ends up doing her voodoo magic to get the payback on the thieves/murders because Ted is now alive again, but also at peace. Then there is some talk about a prophecy, and they live happily ever after. 

Okay I will freely admit that this isn’t a good movie. The story doesn’t make a lick of sense at times and the actors are clearly not professionals. Lines are stumbled over, characters look at the camera, and the dialogue is poorly written. I get the vibe from some of the scenes that they were just winging it and didn’t have marks to hit as more than once people are standing around looking a bit lost. It also felt like a letdown that they setup up the Ted character as an ex-special forces soldier and then have him do nothing after getting brought back by the dead. Instead Damballa uses a pirate treasure (I kid you not) to lure back the killers and take her vengeance. Despite all these flaws I still enjoyed the heck out of this one. Perhaps it is because of my love for all these goofy drive-in flicks or the can-do attitude of these filmmakers it comes off as earnest and fun. They are doing their best and that should count for something. 

It also helps that the filmmakers did manage to avoid the kiss of death the one thing that can kill a movie like this. It clocks in at a tight seventy-one minutes and is never boring. Sure the ending feels forced like they had run out of ideas and didn’t know how to finish the story. But up until that point we always had something interesting happening. Speaking of that I was sort of shocked by how naked our lead actress Maureen Ridley gets. As Damballa she disrobes and gyrates quite a bit onscreen. This includes full frontal nudity, which was still not common in mainstream movies (aka. not porn). This happens a couple of times and they linger quite a bit on her “assets”. I’m not trying to be creepy, but this is an example of a regional filmmaker using what they have to set themselves apart from the crowd. They really went for it and I appreciate that. 

Objectively Crypt of Dark Secrets feels like a forgettable bottom half of a double feature that served to fill up the promised time/value of getting to see a pair of movies for your entry fee. And I can’t argue with anyone that wants to take this movie to task for the flaws I’ve listed above. But damn it I like this sort of silliness and I think that it fits in quite nicely with contemporary flicks that filled this need. Hell, it is way better than many of them that meander and never get around to showing us much of anything on the screen. For that reason alone, I’m recommend my fellow drive-in nerds to track themselves down a copy of this one. I think you will dig it as much as I did. 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Wolfsbane by William W. Johnstone

This is the second book that I’ve reviewed here at the website from prolific author Johnstone who was better known for his westerns. I mention that again because I feel like some of that traditional cowboy storytelling found itself into this supernatural horror tale. More on that later.

The story takes place in a small Louisiana town and involves an ancient family of Satan worshipping werewolves and witches. A few decades earlier the locals found and killed one of the men of the family who was afflicted with the werewolf curse. His elderly wife, who is a powerful witch, has waited until the time was right to return to get revenge on the descendants of those that killed her husband. This involves bringing her werewolf relatives back to life as well as turning her victims into zombies to do her bidding. All of this is overseen by Satan himself, who apparently lives in the swamp nearby.

The granddaughter of the evil witch lady is somehow ignorant and innocent of this family curse. She ends up hooking up with a mercenary that was chosen by God to do battle with Satan. The mercenary quickly goes from “this is all bullshit” to “hey Satan how goes it?” Being the chosen one he does what a mercenary/soldier/hero does and takes the fight to them. This all leads to an abrupt and forced ending that clearly was meant to set the rest of the series up. And yes, there are many more books in this series.

I don’t think that I’m a Johnstone fan. While I was enjoying the other book I read from him, Bats, it didn’t stick the landing. Here I have the same problem. The story ends with our hero falling into the basement of the house and waking up five years later. The characters that were established have all either died or moved away. We are just left with our mercenary climbing out, meeting a priest that was apparently waiting for him, and getting ready for what I expect is the action in the second book. We don’t get an ending that satisfies this story but rather have a “to be continued” ending and that annoyed me.

Beyond the ending I have to say that for the most part I wasn’t fond of the story. First, we have werewolves, witches, zombies, and vampirism all mixed in with Satanism. This is a bit too much for the story to define and support. None of it is fleshed out and you get the feeling that Johnstone is sort of tossing stuff in because it is evil. Plus, the werewolves drink blood, the witch can only be killed with silver bullets, the zombies inexplicably can talk and aren’t killed with head shots. They never define the rules to the monsters in the story and that is annoying.

The story itself structurally has issues. Let’s take the zombies for example. They just sort of show up and no one is surprised by it. Some of the victims are killed and stay dead after their bodies are found. Others reanimate and stroll around… why? Also, characters go from minor and hardly defined to suddenly showing up and speaking as if they have been vital to the story all along. There were many times I had to stop and go back to try and figure out who the hell they were. That is just bad storytelling. I could give more examples of this, but I don’t feel the need to.

I know that Johnstone has a hardcore fan base who love him. Based on the two books that I’ve read from him I’m not one of them. There are so many much better written horror novels out there that I’ll not be spending any more time with this author. I can’t recommend Wolfsbane.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven (2016)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

Okay so shit is going to get weird with this one. This is the third of the three movies that were shot together to make up fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen. As I would have expected this movie picks up right where the previous one ended. We see that Sharon the witch has hopped into another body and survived her killing. She kills the man she is passionately hugging and then the director yells cut. Wait… what the hell?

Things shift gears as we see that the actors from the movie are actually actors in a movie called Crystal Force XV. But the director suddenly announces that the reason that the franchise is so successful is that they sacrifice a cast member to ensure that the product is video rental gold. So he rips her heart out and then we see the actors from the previous movies at a table read for Crystal Force XVI. The actors are going by their character names but are playing different characters in the movie in the movie. Why? Because a coven is trying to activate a bunch of witches to take over Hollywood.

Hey, they tried something different. I appreciate that, though it is just as poorly written as the previous stories at least it isn’t a summoning. The dialogue is weird, the plot awkward, and they make no attempts to explain how it connects or why the actors in the Crystal Force movie have the names of the characters they played in the previous Witchcraft flicks. Also, this is obviously “inspired” by Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, so it isn’t all that creative. The worst part about the story is that they either didn’t have enough to fill out the entire runtime or didn’t know what to do with it.

Yes, my friends Hollywood Coven is one of the worst in the franchise when it comes to padding. From the very beginning where the opening credits go on and on, so much so that they actually have to restart the theme song to cover it. They also decide to use tons of footage from the previous movies as our characters here are assigned the job of watching earlier Crystal Force flicks as research for the roles they are about to take on. That is an excuse for us to watch not one scene but two where the cast sits on a couch while they/we watch old footage from earlier Witchcraft entries. This is some Camp Blood level shit and of course I will point towards David Sterling, producer of this and Camp Blood. I would like to remind everyone that they shot three movies at the same time and had maybe enough material for one. Way to bleed horror fans wallets dude.

Behind the scenes the shitty filmmaking continues. The audio levels are squirrely again with them changing from scene to scene and sometimes within the same scene. The camera work is chaotic as the focus keeps adjusting as the cast walks thru the scene. They double down with a camera that won’t stay still. It moves all the time like some bad found footage movie. That is completely unnecessary and feels like they just didn’t want to block the scenes and have the actors hit marks. The CGI is as bad as it has been in previous Witchcraft movies and honestly given that these were made only five years ago is unjustified. You could have easily done better.

I could go on, but I’m done talking about this franchise. Out of sixteen movies I can’t recommend a single one. That obviously includes Hollywood Coven as well. How can someone keep making such bad movies over and over again? Who is funding these things? Who is buying these things? You all need to stop right now!

 

Next up… nothing! This shit is finally over!

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

Witchcraft XV: Blood Rose (2016)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

As you know this is the second of three movies that are connected with a single storyline. In that movie Rose and William destroyed the angel of death preventing him from summoning the other half of himself from hell to destroy the world. They do love those summoning storylines in this franchise. But what are they going to do this time around? His right-hand lady, Sharon, uses Rose’s power to kill some people so that they can be used to summon the angel of death again. Seriously another summon a bad guy to destroy the world story? After some Freaky Friday style shenanigans and a few dead bodies William shows up in the nick of time to help Rose defeat the coven and prevent the resurrection from going down. There is a twist though that sets up the third and final movie.

Sitting thru Witchcraft XV is like watching paint dry. It is a tedious experience that leans heavily into a trick that the Camp Blood franchise, also from producer David Sterling, the reused footage. This movie is only an hour and twenty minutes long and the first nine of that is a flashback to the ending of the last movie cut into some lady-on-lady stuff to pad it out. But mostly it is just the end of the movie all over again. Then we get thrilling bits of talking on the phone, walking up stairs, “witty” banter between the cops (Lutz and Garner are back), and of course lots of reused naughty bits from earlier movies. Toss in six minutes of end credits and you can see they didn’t have much in the way of story. Did this really need to be three movies? Hell no it didn’t!

Continuing on I’m going to sound like a broken record. The audio is bad, the camera has issues staying in focus, and the acting… oh man the acting. The actor that plays William, Ryan Cleary, has zero emotion in his delivery. But hey that means let’s use him a lot more here than we did last time. That is a good idea, right? He isn’t the only bad actor in this one as the character I think they are going to try and make the new villain is an awful actress. Why make that choice? It is a Witchcraft movie so the decision tracks. 

Joe Bob Briggs fans might get a kick out of seeing Darcy, aka. Diana Prince as a hooker. Spoilers she apparently can’t keep her shirt on! Other than that, this is going to be another utterly forgettable exorcise in crappy cinema that never should have seen the light of day. I’m really getting annoyed. Don’t watch this or any other Witchcraft movie. 

Next up Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death (2016)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

Nearing the end of the Witchcraft franchise with just three to go. In an interesting twist all three were shot at the same time and are basically three parts of one much longer story. It is my understanding it was their attempt at telling an epic Witchcraft tale. Basically, like a shitty Lord of the Rings. Cool… I’m sure they are going to screw it up. 

William, Lutz, and Garner are all back and recast yet again. This time there is a girl named Rose who has powers which she uses to kill people that have pissed her off. But she feels guilty afterwards and tells her Mom that she is afraid she is a witch and has murdered them. She gets yelled at and sent to her room. But as soon as she is out of the frame her Mom calls someone to discuss her powers. So, she knows that Rose is a witch. 

Detectives Lutz and Garner are investigating the murders and run into William who was called by a friend that herself was the person on the other end of the line when Rose’s Mom made her call. Stuff happens, people get kidnapped, Yoga is done, and we find out that the Yoga studio owner is the angel of death. Well part of him as the other part is stuck in Hell and only Rose can set him free to fully destroy the world. But there has to be something else going on as the angel of death was having phone conversations with someone else all during their evil plan. Bad CGI magic fights happen, and everyone lives happily ever after. But wait there are two more movies with these characters so probably not. 

I want to give the filmmakers credit for trying to do something different with the three movies telling one giant story. That is very ambitious for a low budget project like this. Sadly, they just don’t seem to be up to it. The plot is again very thin and repeats the “summon something to destroy the world” plot that all of these flicks have used over and over. Any attempt at some other type of motivations for the villains would have been a welcome change, but nope. They very quickly flushed any interest I had down the toilette with this repetition. 

I didn’t think it was possible, but they continue the same mistakes from past flicks and even double down on some of them. The acting is terrible again with the new cast being even more inept than past ones. This is especially so of the actor playing William who upon hearing of his friend’s death gives a performance that has to be seen. It approaches Tommy Wiseau from the Room bad. Not quite there but close. 

The sound issues continue with dialogue that can’t be heard. But it also has music and dialogue that changes volume while in the scene that had me constantly turning my volume up an down. That is a new and very annoying thing. The camera that they used must have been a lower end one with auto focus because it keeps shifting in and out of focus as characters walk into and out of frame. There is also a fake knife that looks like one of those gag props you can buy at the Halloween stores that pop up ever October. None of this surprises me that much as these three movies were produced by David Sterling of Camp Blood infamy. 

These last couple movies are going to be hard to get thru if they are of the same quality as this one. I’ll do it because I’m stubborn, but damn. Obviously, I’m not recommending Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death. 

Next up Witchcraft XV: Blood Rose

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen (2008)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

These movies are getting so bad. As much as I’ve complained about it the only thing that the series had going for it was the softcore sleaze. The last couple entries including this one can’t even get that right. Instead, all it has to offer is the same story executed even more poorly than it has been done the eleven times before. Let me explain.

William is back again and has also been recast again. He is hanging out with his warlock buddy, because I guess there are good ones now, who helped him win a case. I think that is why he is dropping off some money for him. I say I think because the sound is terrible in this movie. Worse than it ever was before as I couldn’t hear at least half of the dialogue. That isn’t an exaggeration for the longest time I had no idea what the hell was going on. So anyway, he gives him an envelope of cash and then his pal leaves with a lady. A lady who rips out his heart when they are alone. How rude is that?

Now William is on the case and after arguing with some generic cop characters, thankfully no more Lutz played by Stephanie Beaton, he uses his warlock powers to see stuff. Not sure what because it makes no sense. But then he trails a cute blonde girl, and they get friendly. Of course, she is bad, but what can you do because she is hot. She tries to kill him but fails. Then William meets a sister looking for her brother who is obviously a bad guy too. There is some nonsense about if he, as the chosen one hooks up with the big bad evil leader their baby will rule the world for evil.

You know she is the leader, and they get frisky. Somehow William the all-powerful warlock is clueless of this fact. If I’ve learned one thing from the Witchcraft series, it is that if William would only pay attention the world would almost end a lot less often. So, there is this cave where the evil heart stealing ladies are chanting, and William crashes their “lets summon the big baddie” party. Some CGI pew pew pew happens, and we see that the sister is actually the big bad. Which of course we already knew that. But it is a shock to old William. She is also preggers with their child who is again going to rule the world. The big twist is that she is really William’s long lost sister… um gross.

The cops show up and shoot some folks and William does battle with his pregnant girlfriend/sister. This leads to some more CGI pew pew pew and he gets frustrated when she tells him he can’t stop her because he is basically a big wuss. That was probably a mistake as William gets pissed and rips out her heart! He also chews on it to take her power. No more sister or evil world ruling baby to worry about.

The music, acting, editing, sound, plot, dialogue, and everything else about this movie sucks. Thirteen movies in I’m done trying to be clever and repackage the same damn review for the same damn movie. Skip this one like all the rest. Of course, there are still three more for me to watch.

 

Up next Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death (2016)

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent (2002)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

God Damn it they did it to me again. No more Stephanie Beaton as Lutz, in fact there is no Lutz in this movie at all. But before I could breathe a sigh of relief the name Brad Sykes popped up as the director and writer. I believed I mentioned the other terrible horror franchise that I’ve reviewed this year, Camp Blood. Well guess who created and directed the first three installments of that franchise? If you guessed Brad Sykes, you would be right. I’m feeling that this might be the perfect shitstorm of awfulness.

We are back in Los Angeles and watch as a woman and man go bar hopping and end up in a strip club. The guy is Jeff, and the lady is his sister Cindy. Wait dude you took your sister to a nudie bar to drink? Okay then… Jeff hooks up with a girl on the way to the bathroom and leaves with her never to be seen alive again. That is a bummer. Then we see William pull up, it can be confusing because he has been recast again and visit Cindy. It seems that he was best friends with Jeff. He and Cindy also have a history together.

Being the super cool lawyer warlock that he is William figures out something bad is going on. So, he uses some magic to watch part of the movie that we already watched only upside down. That helps him get a license plate number and with an assist from the cops the tracks down the lady to was last seen with Jeff. Thru some rigamarole he eventually ends up face to face with the serpent god who is killing everyone, he uses the women to lure his sacrifices to him. Some lighting lasers shoot around, and the movie ends with William and Cindy watching home movies.

If you have been reading my reviews, you know that I don’t like the Witchcraft movies at all. I wanted to find one that wasn’t terrible as it is always my goal to unearth a hidden gem. But this franchise is the same recycled story that itself isn’t enough to fill fifteen minutes screen time padded out with nonsense that itself is an excuse to pop from one softcore naughty escapade to another. Having watched Sykes’ movies in the past I can tell you one very important fact, he can’t shoot those sorts of scenes. Are you beginning to see the problem?

We have a Witchcraft movie that while it tries doesn’t give the viewer the sleaze that has been promised and delivered from the previous ten or so movies. Again, I’m not a fan of this which should be abundantly clear by now. But damn it if you aren’t going to hang your hat on that sort of thing then that means you need a plot and characters. We also don’t get that which means this is a huge failure. It doesn’t even work as a crappy Witchcraft movie!

I could talk about the normal padding, but we have already beaten that horse to death. The bad guy spends most of the movie in a crappy Halloween mask and hooded robe shooting badly done laser lighting out of his eyes. The one highlight is when he is unmasked, and we see he is a snake god. That makeup job is actually really good for the low budget production that this is. I give them props for that. Sadly, that is the only good thing about Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent. This is as bad as any of the previous eleven attempts, and they were all firmly in the miserably horrible territory. Skip this one like the rest.

 

Next up Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (2000)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

This movie opens with a couple in bed, William and Kelly both recast with new actors, and jumps right to some simulated naughty time. There isn’t even any dialogue yet! That’s a new record for these movies. After that we find out that Kelly’s sister, Colleen, is in college and is doing a play. The director/professor wants authenticity so he encourages them to do actual witchcraft. They do and, in the process, summon the three witches. One by one they are possessed so they can summon the demon Abaddon.

Along the way they end up killing a dude that was peeping on them, because of course they had to be topless to cast the spell, which involves detectives Lutz and Garner. Oh god damn it Stephanie Beaton is back. They run into William and Kelly at the scene of the crime and together they end up stopping the witches possessing the girls and save the day. But not before there is a lot of rolling around in the sheets.

This is the same freaking plot again! Okay I guess it isn’t vampires and is instead some dead witches trying to summon a demon. But really it isn’t any different. At this point I don’t even know what I’m trying to review. This series clearly doesn’t care at all about plot and characters. I’ve mentioned that before, but this cements it in stone. How do I review something that isn’t trying to be a movie in the sense of actually telling a story? If you are out there and have that argument in your head, it is legit.

You know I don’t care what you intended to make. The minute someone tried to sell these and take people’s money you are responsible for making the product. These are sold as movies and fans are given the impression that is what they should expect including at least the attempt at telling a story. So damn it I’m going to be annoyed when you fail to do so. I’ve got five more of these things to watch and that is the standard I’m going to hold them to like it or not. Be prepared for me to keep beating this dead horse. Please allow me to continue.

Just like the previous movies while Witchcraft XI lacks plot it is filled with padding. From the extra-long opening credits to the unnecessary and odd photo shoot that isn’t explained with a single line of dialogue it is clear that they exist just to fill out ninety minutes. There are also phone calls, walking, and talking on the phone. None of which does a damn thing to develop any story.

I did notice something new. Not that it was great in the past, but the editing is terrible in this movie. There are two distinct plotlines one with the girls and the other with Lutz, William, and company. They do awkwardly intersect at the end, but I don’t think that most of the actors share a scene until then. This feels like a movie that was cobbled together from different shoots using what actors were available that day. It might not be the case, but something is obviously not right. The good news is that they seem to have fixed the audio issues that plagued previous entries so I can hear the dialogue. Which is awful.

I’m not going to waste any more time telling you not to watch Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood. It is a terrible movie you should skip. Sadly, my OCD and the fact that I promised to watch the rest of these is going to make me sit thru the last five. With that in mind…

 

Next up Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (1998)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

Why does this franchise keep doing this to me? If you remember part IX brought back the director who made the worst entry into the franchise, up until that point when he replaced himself. That was bad enough. But then I sit down to watch Witchcraft X and see that they moved the setting from Los Angeles to England bringing only one reoccurring character to a new story. Cool… but that character is Lutz, played by Stephanie Beaton, who was the worst actor in the previous movie. Damn it!

The story, if you can call it that, is repetitive from earlier flicks in the franchise. This time a vampire named Raven springs a cult leader named Hyde, who Lutz was coming to bring back to America to face charges. She does that so he can summon a demon or god that is even more powerful than Satan. Allied with Lutz is Celeste who is a witch, I think. She comes off as part Doctor Strange and part Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’m making this sound much cooler than it really is. Stuff happens… slowly and then the bad guys get what is coming to them. The end.

The formula of nothing happening for long stretches with some nudity and naughty stuff mixed in is followed again. They made ten of these things so they must be catering to an audience somewhere. The plot is paper thin and is the same one that we get with most every Witchcraft movie. Bad guys want to summon a badder guy to do bad stuff. Heroes have to stop them. That’s it. We know that there isn’t a plot so let’s talk about what we do have to watch instead. The thrilling action here consists of people walking, talking on the phone, dancing to shitty music, footage of random people strolling around the street, and more dancing. Not fun at all.

I forgot Celeste wears a costume and cape

Witchcraft X has a lot of fight scenes in it as Celeste does kung fu magic many times. If you thought they were bad at character and story you should check out the fight choreography. It is awkward and you can see where actors pause to wait for the very slow kicks and punches to come at them. The vampires have super strength which means that when these small women grab men and toss them across the room the victims are clearly jumping and throwing themselves along to help. Honestly, it’s just crap.

Some other familiar complaints at this point are the audio issues where you can’t always hear the dialogue from scene to scene and sometimes even from actor to actor in the same scene. The music is generic and at times the volume changes seemingly at random for no apparent reason. I also noticed for the first time that there are no musical cues in this flick at all. While they were bad in the past they at least were there. All in all, this movie feels cheaper than those that preceded it, which given the budget on those is saying something.

I’ve lost hope at this point. These Witchcraft movies are getting worse as they seem to recruit no talent directors, writers, and actors to work on them. I know that sounds mean but I’ve sat thru ten of these damn things at this point, so I feel like I have the right to be pissed off. I’m not asking for a classic but at least make an effort. Clearly, I don’t recommend Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft.

 

Next upWitchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood

 

Ó Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh (1997)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

My last review for this franchise probably sounded hopeful. I thought having ditched the rotating stories around the William character that they could then explore some different things. Witchcraft VIII wasn’t great, but it was better because I think that the filmmakers involved had more freedom. So, what does the series do? Bring back the director of the worst movie in the franchise so far and un-kill William. God damn it.

Yeah, William is back and is killed at an art gallery opening or something like that. We never find out what it was or how he died. Nope, just get to see him wander around as a ghost that no one can see or hear. Well until he meets the hooker with the heart of gold, Sheila, who was in a coma once and can now hear dead people and see the future but only sometimes. She and dead William team up to stop some cultists that worship Kofu the Egyptian god who want to summon Satan or maybe not. Really it isn’t clear. Also, William, while dead, sees his body walking around as it was possessed. The bad guys want to kill his girlfriend because he sent her his power before he died… which he doesn’t seem to know.

This movie is garbage. I watch a lot of bad movies, so it takes something really special to piss me off as much as Witchcraft IX did. Not only is there no attempt at a cohesive story and what we get is riddled with giant plot holes, but they don’t explain how William isn’t dead. It isn’t like they are ignoring the previous movie either as they reuse footage from part VII, which is where they killed him off. The best part is they actually show you him dying on screen from that movie and don’t explain or acknowledge the how or why the character isn’t dead. This is from the same director so he probably should remember the movie he made just a couple of years ago.

The hooker who hears dead people...

Remember when I reviewed part VII, I talked about how odd it was that they liked to zoom the camera in on panties. They mixed it up this time because almost every scene begins or ends on a cleavage shot. Not quite as creepy or sketchy but still someone has issues, they need to work out. The acting is flat with horrible line delivery which itself is further complicated with juvenile dialogue. We also get lots of padding here with ambulances, stock footage of a college campus, dead William walking around, phone calls, and of course driving. 

For whatever reason they added a subplot with the cops Lutz and Garner tracking down the killer who is ripping hearts out for Kofu and other reasons never explained. They don’t have much to do, which is good since the actors recast in these roles are excruciatingly bad. Stephanie Beaton as Lutz can’t deliver a line in anything other than a monotone. And that is when she can actually not stumble over them.

I never do this but here I think it is appropriate. The director’s name is Michael Paul Girard and he is a hack. Seriously this movie is trash, and no one should watch it. Hell, we shouldn’t even acknowledge it’s existence. I know it takes a village to make such a turd, but he is the common denominator between the two worst entries into what is admittedly a crappy franchise. Stay far away from Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh.

 

Next up Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft VIII: Salem’s Ghost (1996)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

With William dead what direction are they going to take the Witchcraft franchise? I guess the answer to that is sort of a haunted house story. After an opening sequence set three hundred years ago where some locals in Salem, yes that Salem, bind a particularly nasty warlock named Simon to a resting place with a magic cross. Then we come to modern day mid-nineties to see a couple, Sonny and Mary Ann, moving into their new home. They putter around a bit before a neighbor visits and in an effort to help starts to take down a basement wall. 

Guess who is buried in the basement of the house? If you guessed the warlock, you win the prize. The prize is not having to watch Warlock VIII. Some crazy stuff happens including the furniture coming alive and flying around the room. Eventually a witch hunter from the Church of England shows up to save the day. Only he seems a bit lackluster and ends up stuck on the front lawn. Though he gave Sonny enough information to eventually put Simon back in his eternal prison. Though how are they going to explain the body on the front lawn? 

I’ve been trying to find the positives with these movies before explaining in detail why you shouldn’t watch them. Though for the last movie I didn’t even make the effort because there was nothing good. I’m going to be a bit kinder to Salem’s Ghost. Now that they are free of the William character it seems that the writer had some fun. There is an actual plot here with some meat on the bone. Don’t get me wrong there are still pacing issues, more on that later, but at least there is something happening in this one. I liked the witch hunter character, and the crazy neighbors were sort of amusing. In past reviews I’ve accused this franchise of not having a script or story, here we do get one. It isn’t great, but that is still a huge improvement. 

There is some gore, but on a budget. The opening when they burn Simon after stabbing him in the heart with the magic cross is pretty neat. Cheap but I give them an “A” for effort. There is also a character getting run thru with a lightning rod and another ripping his own face off. Again, this isn’t top notch stuff but it’s better than nothing, which this franchise has done in the past. The music is also more interesting with a chanting/singing soundtrack that gives it a bit of a religious vibe that works with the story. This is a vast improvement over the generic noise we have been subjected to in previous entries. 

Now you may be thinking that this is a good movie. It isn’t but it also isn’t awful. It sucks but a mediocre movie in this franchise is a star! We still have pacing issues, there is still some padding, they do like their naughty scenes, and other such issues. But here it’s just not as bad as before. I wouldn’t recommend this movie unless you are bound and determined to check out a Witchcraft flick. This is the best of the bunch, so far at least, I’m only halfway thru the franchise. I’m keeping hope alive that there is one I can actually recommend but we are running out of options. 

Next up Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (1995)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

It seems as if the writers tried to mix things up this time. Instead of warlocks or Satanists trying to summon the Devil we have a vampire trying to take over the world’s blood supply thru a corporate merger. Um… okay it is certainly different. The movie starts with that vampire draining a girl at a party. She dies and comes back as a vampire in the hospital. That seems awfully careless of a character that is supposed to be five hundred years old. 

At the hospital is our old pal William the warlock who realizes that something isn’t right. He calls detectives Lutz and Garner who stop by in time for the dead woman to sit up on the slab and proceed to kick their asses. They head off in pursuit and find her chowing down on an unfortunate jogger in the park. There is a fight and William runs a stake thru her heart “out of instinct”. I guess he has forgotten about his power again. Also, the detectives are totally against the idea of vampires despite having already seen shit that proved the supernatural exists. Stuff happens and the vampire is staked but not before something shocking happens! William is killed which is why I think that the movie had the stinger “The Final Chapter”. If only that were true. 

Why did they keep making these movies? The filmmakers here certainly weren’t trying to tell a story or develop characters. My only guess is that these flicks could be rented to horny teenage boys who weren’t old enough to get behind the magic curtain aka. the adult section. Yes boys and girls before the internet one had to actually either purchase or rent your porn. And really that is all this movie is aspiring to be a softcore porn. While never explicit we get scene after scene of naked people, mostly ladies, rolling around on one another or solo. The actresses disrobe almost immediately, and dialogue is rushed to get to the simulated naughty stuff. Even the music is reminiscent of the sort of crap you would hear in a porno… or so I’ve been told. 

Before you think I’m being harsh let me explain a few things. The story is paper thin. Vampire wants to do vampire stuff, William gets in the way, and lots of naked ladies. That’s it in a nutshell. When the characters do have their clothes on we see them random sword practice, board meetings, and phone calls. This movie also has zero kills and gore with the best you can hope for is some store-bought costume teeth and a trickle of blood. The one big effect they try is when the vampire turns into a bat or some shit like that. It is rubbery and looks awful. 

A few other random things. William is played this time by David Byrnes, who was in Intruder. I’d much rather be watching that. Also, inexplicably they not only recast Lutz but gender swapped the character who is now a woman. Why not just make a new character and not confuse us? Well, that would have required someone who knew how to write a script so never mind. Finally, I just felt creepy watching this movie. Not because of the nudity but because of the incessant zoom in close up shots of panties. 

This is by far the worst of the lot so far and if you have read my other reviews, you know how big of a deal that is. My optimism of finding a watchable movie in this franchise is beginning to wane but I shall carry on. 

Next up is Witchcraft VIII: Salem’s Ghost

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft VI (aka. Witchcraft 666) (1994)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

Here we have a threat to the world in the form of yet another evil warlock, this time named Savanti. He has a couple of minions running around kidnapping girls to become the baby mamma of the Devil. I believe they are looking for a virgin, but I’m not sure. When it doesn’t work, they dump the bodies, and the cops find them. So, they think there is a serial killer running around. This is how we meet our cops, Lutz and Garner. 

Somehow the inept pair figure out that there is a supernatural twist to the killings and go looking for an expert. Guess who that is? Yep, William is back, this time played by another new actor Jerry Spicer. Stuff happens, slowly, and they eventually track down the evil warlock and his crew but not until they kidnap William’s secretary who is a recent graduate of Holy Trinity College and you guessed it… a virgin! 

Here we are at the sixth installment and I’m beginning to wonder if they weren’t making these things without worrying about plot and characters on purpose. These aren’t getting any better and you would think that they might make a passable one on accident. The only explanation is that this is the kind of movie they are trying to produce. This is the same basic story as most of those preceding it. The one added twist are the police, who act as comic relief. Though the scripts idea of jokes is having the cops ask for doughnuts over and over again while Garner says sexist stuff and ogles at women. The plot also has a greatest hits of dumb movie tropes. For example, the police captain that yells at his underlings. It also repeats plot points from earlier movies like having the bad guy send a woman to seduce William as that is his weakness. You would think that wouldn’t work the second time around. Then again, the part was recast so maybe he hadn’t watched the earlier movies. I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t.

The movie is also filled with padding stretching out shots of people driving, drinking, and taking a bath. We also get several extended naughty scenes with lots of skin that go on far too long and repeat the same shots over and over again. Though the worst waste of time is when the cops interrogate all the weirdos to try in an attempt to drum up leads. This means we get a parade of bad actors acting badly with awkward dialogue that again I’m thinking was supposed to be funny but isn’t.

So, was this supposed to be a comedy? I certainly hope not because it isn’t funny. It also isn’t much of a horror movie. We are back to lame kills that mostly happen off screen and number less than three. At least part Dance with the Devil game me something. We also get a generic ‘90s soundtrack that is okay but is loud at times. The audio issues with dialogue hard to hear in some scenes pops up again as well. New movie same flaws. I can’t recommend Witchcraft VI.

Next up Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft V: Dance with the Devil (1993)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

There is a new warlock in town… or maybe not. His name is Cain, and he is either a demon, or just the Devil’s bill collector. We see him recruit a girl named Marta to help him and by that, I mean he doesn’t kill her. So, the pair start collecting souls that I think he is owed. I mean he keeps talking about them having six good years so maybe these folks made a deal with the Devil? The movie never explains itself, but then again this is a Witchcraft flick so did you expect them to? We also meet a reverend who gets possessed by some lightning when he goes to help a homeless guy who got run over by a car. That is important later.

Now we meet William, played by a new actor named Marklen Kennedy. He and his lady friend got to a bar that is also where Cain is doing his magic show because that is what demonic bad guys do in their down time. That last bit is a total guess from me. Cain knows that William is a warlock so he mind controls him to do his bidding. Makes the soul collecting more efficient and I’m guessing if he makes his quota, it will bring the Devil back to Earth. There is a big showdown and sword fight where Cain loses his head, and the credits roll immediately. 

I’ve noticed that I tend to try and start these reviews off with something positive. I’m going to do that again. The actor who plays Cain, David Huffman, chews the hell out of the scenery. Really if he had stared at the camera and asked us about a Blood Feast it would have seemed appropriate. He wiggles his fingers to mind control and throws open his cape Manos style to collect souls and intimidate people. That was fun, not enough to make the movie any good, but at least it wasn’t as boring as the previous three. 

Huffman as Cain chewing up scenery

The rest of the movie is a thin plot with characters that jump from scene to scene disrobing for some simulated naughty business. We see so many naked girls that it actually gets old after a while. Or maybe I’m just old and that isn’t enough to keep my attention anymore. Regardless as I suspected this is likely the formula that the rest are going to follow. The scenes go on and on reusing the same angles to stretch things out. This is what I suppose you must do when you don’t have an actual script, dialogue, or plot to speak of. 

They did improve a bit on the kills and special effects. Don’t get your hopes up as it isn’t great, but better. Instead of the nonexistent stuff from three and four we do actually get to see a couple stabbings, and a heart get punched out. These are cheaply done, no surprise there, but it is more than we had previously. Sadly, we also are saddled with some of the audio issues again as we can’t always hear the dialogue clearly. One step forward two steps back if you know what I mean. 

The only other thing of note is that Greg Grunberg of Alias, Lost, Heroes, and of course Big Ass Spider fame has a blink and you will miss it appearance in one scene. Overall, I can’t recommend this one as it is less of a mess but still a mess. I’m keeping hope alive that these movies will improve.

Next up Witchcraft VI: 666

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

Here we are at the fourth installment of the Witchcraft franchise. This time around we see that William is still a lawyer, but now isn’t defending people but instead I think is doing tax law. All that changes when a woman stops by begging him to defend her brother. When the movie opened, we saw a boy and his girl making out in the woods. Stuff happens and she gets kidnapped. The cops think that he killed her, the body shows up later, but we know it wasn’t him. Later we find out that the hoods who killed her work for a local radio DJ and talent agent who also happens to be an evil warlock. He claims that he and William are the last of their kind… but there are twelve more movies to go so I’d have to say he was wrong.

Along the way to the final showdown with the bad guy William meets and gets very friendly with one of the evil warlock’s clients named Belladonna. She is a stripper and blues singer played by the late great Julie Strain. It was nice to see her on the screen again as it had been years since I watched one of her flicks. Sadly, that is the last thing I’m going to say nice about The Virgin Heart. The warlocks have a big showdown, which again consists of several shots to the groin until William rips out his heart.

So far, I have held out hope that one of these movies would be worth my time. Each one seems to have a different director and writer combination so you would think that they could accidentally stumble over a decent script. If that is destined to happen then it will have to wait because this isn’t that movie. The story is filled with padding starting from the first scene. There is this long-drawn-out opening showing us the girl being kidnapped and killed, though offscreen so no fun gore there. That serves to setup why William gets involved but these characters are useless after that and I wonder why they spent so much time on it. There is another bit with that boy’s sister where she is sort of setup as his love interest but then he is also pursuing Belladonna. Spoiler the sister has very little screen time but does help explain the ending sort of. In the end this seems like a waste of time.

This movie also has the typical padding of people walking, talking on the phone, lighting cigarettes and other such thrilling things. This is what you get when you don’t have scenes and dialogue prepared to move the plot along. The movie is like watching paint dry and that isn’t fun either. This is all despite them trying to create some sort of film noir hard-boiled detective vibe including random voiceovers where William is talking directly to the audience. Cool idea but inept execution. None of it worked for me.

The late great Julie Strain

The soundtrack is also changed up, but still not good. We get some blues mixed in with generic rock music, remember that the bad warlock this time is a DJ, and some of the same mediocre synth cues. The performances are also as wooden or at least I think they are. The audio is so poorly done that I couldn’t hear long stretches of the dialogue so I couldn’t tell what they are saying. This had to be from when they were shooting on set because you have two actors sitting across from one another with one being crystal clear and the other sounding muffled as if they were under a few blankets. Honestly if you don’t have the skill to properly record the sound on set or the budget to do some dubbing in post then you shouldn’t make a movie!

I have more complaints. The kills are lame, like before. There are just a couple and it all happens off screen. You would think that the hearts getting ripped out would be cool, but it isn’t. Now this might seem to be petty, but I also was annoyed that the title didn’t apply. When we had The Temptress there was a temptress. Deadly Kiss had a warlock killing ladies with a kiss. There is no damn mention of the heart being a virgin heart in this movie. I had one expectation for this franchise after three movies and they couldn’t even get that done properly.

I doubt that this comes as a surprise but I’m not recommending Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart. It’s terrible. But I’m going to keep the hope alive that there will be a good one in the remaining twelve. So, with that in mind…

Nextup Witchcraft V: Dance with the Devil

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death (1991)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

The third entry has us watching William, still played by Charles Solomon Jr., who is now a lawyer. He is defending a young man named Ruben on a murder charge. An ambitious prosecutor is using the high-profile case to get a promotion so there is some conflict between the two. We also meet an evil warlock named Louis who likes to kiss women and kill them so he can then kiss his girlfriend and get her high. At least that is what I think is going on. 

William and Louis bump into each other and become friends. I thought that it was because Louis knew that William was another warlock, but later on it is hinted at that he had no idea who he was. I guess it was just random. We also meet Reverend Jondular thru Ruben and he becomes a spiritual advisor and mentor to William. At least until he dies off screen and leaves William his sweet magic cane. Louis wants William’s girlfriend, so they fight and by fight, I mean kick each other in the nuts until Louis gets beat down with the magic cane. End of the movie. 

Witchcraft III is a mess. While I again appreciate the effort to continue the story from the earlier two movies there isn’t enough material here for a feature. Louis is bad and wants William’s girlfriend. That is basically the entire movie. You would think that the writers would try and explain Louis’ power and why he kills ladies and what he is taking from them with his warlock kiss, but no. The only explanation we get is that he is bad. Instead of plot, we get “exciting” scenes of people driving, walking, checking for change to buy a paper, drinking in a bar, and other such goodies. God forbid you spend anytime developing the characters. 

Speaking of characters, I don’t know if it is the inferior script but somehow Charles Solomon Jr. gives a worse performance here than the movie before. Dude this is your second bite at this apple, and you should be getting better, not worse at it. His line delivery is wooden and any attempt at emotions are just bad. Not the Room bad, but close. The rest of the cast isn’t much better and stumbles over their lines at times. 

Remember the warlocks kiss I was talking about earlier. Well, most of the kills in this movie have Louis kissing a lady after his eyes go yellow, think Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, and we get a puff of smoke. Then that is it. I’m not kidding that is how the kills in this movie play out. I guess it makes sense with the Kiss of Death in the title but damn it. What is really strange is how much this movie likes to show closeups of people kissing. Every sex scene, and there are quite a few, focus on people slobbering all over each other. This movie really takes the kissing part of the title seriously. At the end the girlfriend is saved by a… you guessed it a kiss!

I’m afraid that I’ve figured out the Witchcraft formula. They have dumped the gore and attempts at a coherent story line for bad nineties saxophone music, neon, and nudity. I really hope that isn’t the case but that is the vibe I’m getting. If it isn’t obvious, I’m suggesting you pass on this one as well. 

Next up Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft II: The Temptress (1989)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

Okay I get it now. If this movie is any indication of what I’m in for I can see why this franchise has such an awful reputation. This time around we meet William who is about to graduate high school despite looking like he is pushing thirty, which the actor was. He has a girlfriend named Michelle who won’t let him do naughty stuff with her. That is good for the witch because she needs to bang him first so that their kid can rule the world. Oh, and the witch next door is actually the one from the first movie who we see for a hot second before she morphs into the sexy blonde lady. I guess they can do that now. Plus I think that was his mom, or maybe not biological just spiritual mom… it all just seems gross.

Speaking of the first movie they rewrite the ending here with a bit of dialogue and have it that his mom, Grace, killed John and Elizabeth instead of the butler. Which by the way if you have read my review you should know that is how it went down. Again, you really should do that before continuing. After doing away with one of his friends and adoptive parents she tries to… I guess turn him to the dark side maybe. She keeps telling him to embrace his anger and stuff so yeah. It doesn’t work and we see him with his girlfriend for a happy ending. I mean his adoptive parents are dead but no biggie.

Let me start by saying something nice about Witchcraft II. I appreciate that they tried to connect the two movies. It annoyed me that they rewrote the ending when I think it wasn’t necessary. They could have just done the old Halloween trick and had his mom die in a car accident offscreen. But no, they had to change the ending. Okay I guess that is the way it goes. At least they gave it a shot.

With that out of the way let us dig into it. This movie has the same sort of pacing issues as the first, only here it is much worse. The padding is far more obvious with many scenes following the characters long after any dialogue necessary to advance the plot has been uttered. We also get an extended bit with the witch rolling around on what I think are black silk sheets like a bad Madonna video as she moans William’s name. Speaking of dialogue, it is stilted which makes the mediocre acting all that more noticeable.

If the above isn’t enough to make you pass on this one how about the nerdy girl who is clearly hot but wears glasses trope? Yeah, we get that here. And then they double down with her having vital information that she inexplicably refuses to give him over the phone. And yes, she is so dead! This isn’t the most original movie if you haven’t figured that out yet. The music has changed from the eighty’s synth music from the previous flick to a generic rock song and then back to synth music. All of it forgettable.

There are a measly four kills, well I guess five if you count the witch. All of them are uninspired and beyond tame. We get to see a neck snapped which was lamely shot. Another person gets tossed out a window, body on the ground with a trickle of blood. Yet another trickle of blood when someone bangs their head and dies. At least the first movie gave me something bloody to sink my gore hound teeth into. This one not so much. 

I have the sinking feeling that this isn’t going to be getting better from here on out. But fear not I’ll keep at it and finish all sixteen of these. I’m doing this so you don’t have to. Obviously, I don’t recommend Witchcraft II: The Temptress.

 

Next up Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer