Cosmic Monsters (1958)

 

It is almost time for my annual Halloween movie fest but before that happens I thought I’d check out another of the British sci-fi movies that Forrest Tucker made while in Europe. I’ve already done the Crawling Eye, so I thought it was time for Cosmic Monsters.

An ominous voiceover warns us of Planet X… the unknown planet. Just an FYI the original British title to this movie was The Strange World of Planet X, but they dumbed it down for us Americans. The keep talking about Planet X so I thought you should know. After this narration we watch as a couple of scientists go about their work on magnetism and the effects of power fields on the environment around them. Dr. Laird is in charge with his American assistant Gil, played by Tucker, helping out.

After a serious accident where the machine appears to power itself for a few seconds a few different things happen. A mysterious man named Smith shows up and asks some very specific questions. A hobo who was previously kind suddenly goes homicidal and kills a girl plus there are other strange goings on and creatures in the surrounding woods. Spoilers to follow. You have been warned. The experiment allowed cosmic rays to bombard the area around the house driving at least a couple people insane, mutated insects into giant monsters, and got the attention of an alien from Planet X! Much fun ensues as the army is called in to shut the experiments down and deal with the deadly bugs.

This is a very British movie and has a seriously talky science fiction vibe for the first forty-five minutes or so. I don’t mind it so much, but I know that some fans find this sort of thing boring so I mentioned it. But when things get going during the last half hour it is a lot of fun. A homicidal hobo, wise visitor from outer space, giant bugs, and one I’ve not mentioned before but we also get a mad scientist! Damn it movie you have given me everything I could have wanted. All of these are woven together in such a way that each plotline gets time to resolve while being tied into a nice cohesive story. This is some excellent scriptwriting.

This is great gore for the Fifties

The special effects work is about what you would expect from a fifties movie. We get a few antennae poking up from behind the scenery, but they mostly use some rear projection to get the bugs on screen. The alien is just a guy in a tweed suit… very British. Though there is some nice miniature work used to bring his ship to life. There is one highlight that I wasn’t expecting but appreciated and that is a kill where a solider fighting the insects has his face ripped off. It isn’t too explicit, but we do get to see some bone poking out. You didn’t see that very often in the Fifties. Overall, I was very happy with what I got with Cosmic Monsters.

This is another movie that I don’t think gets talked about nearly enough. I’ve mentioned this before but maybe it is because everyone is focused on the US productions but the imports from Europe are very decent and in some cases like this and The Crawling Eye push the limits of “good taste” much farther than the American productions. I highly recommend tracking down a copy of Cosmic Monsters and checking it out for yourself.

 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

 

 

The Lost Missile (1958)

 

Before I begin, I need to warn everyone that the Lost Missile is more science fiction than it is horror. There aren’t any monsters or aliens in this one… well okay there are aliens, but they never make an appearance. Let me try and explain the plot.

Thru the helpful narrator, whom we get a lot of, we find out that an “Eastern” power has shot at a mysterious rocket approaching the Earth from deep space. They don’t destroy it, but instead just knock it off course so that it is skimming five miles above the surface. Due to the heat generated by its engines it basically destroys anything that it passes over! All attempts to knock it out of the sky fail and the people in its path can’t do much but wait to die. That is until one of our many characters, David, realizes that the rocket he has been working on might be able to reach the menace and stop it. The rest of the movie is his race against the clock to get the rocket launched in time.

The filmmakers were very ambitious with this one. The movie is trying to tell a large story without much of a budget. This means that we are treated to a ton of stock footage. The US and Canadian air forces try to intercept… cue up the stock footage of jets taking off and flying. The cities in the path are locked down… time for the footage of air raid drills. Admittedly that last one is creepy, especially when you think that the civilians hunkered in the subways thought they could live thru a nuclear strike by the old “Duck and Cover” method. We actually get a bit of stock footage of a classroom full of kids doing that very thing. A lot of the movie is played out like this.

Loggia is decent

When we do have actors on screen most are just snippets of a few talking about the rocket or hiding in a basement. There is a strange bit with David and his fiancé Joan going ring shopping and getting into an argument about how much his work with the rocket means to him. I forgot to mention that David is played by a very young Robert Loggia in one of his earliest movie roles. That was actually the reason that I decided to check The Lost Missile out. I wasn’t disappointed because even with the melodramatic material Loggia is clearly the best actor in the cast and does his best with it.

There is an interesting story here. This is clearly meant to be some sort of atomic war allegory with people hunkered down waiting for the inevitable. I suppose they couldn’t come right out and say it since the military was still trying to convince people that a nuclear war was winnable at this point in the Fifties. Hell, they kept up with that nonsense in some parts right up to the end of the Cold War. The lack of the budget and being forced to “cheat” with all the recycled footage hurts The Lost Missile a great deal. This was clearly a big idea that needed more money to flesh out. I can only recommend this one for those people who like to watch oddities or perhaps are a big fan of Robert Loggia. Everyone else should probably pass.

 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Sea Fever (2019)

 

Siobhan is working on her doctorate in marine science which requires that she join the crew of a fishing trawler to gather some specimens and do some research. We find out before she arrives at the pier and meets the crew that she isn’t very good with people. Basically, she has some social anxiety and would much rather bury herself in her work. That helps to establish why she is initially so uncomfortable when she arrives at the small boat where she is going to be forced to deal with other human beings. This is further complicated when the crew sees her red hair, which I guess is supposed to be bad luck.

They proceed out to sea. The first thing that they notice are whales where they normally wouldn’t be. Then the ship is suddenly stopped dead in the water. She dons her scuba gear and dives in the ocean to find some tentacles are holding the boat in place. Tentacles that are part of something much larger beneath them! One thing leads to another and one of the crew members becomes infected by the parasites contained in the green goo that the creature leaves everywhere. Yeah this is a body horror/infection flick. Bad stuff happens, eyes explode, and one by one they all have to deal with the consequences of their encounter with the thing from below.

I was expecting a monster movie but got something much different. There is a creature, but it isn’t really menacing them at all, at least not on purpose. The parasites that get on the boat are there on accident and really only want to return to the depths after growing a bit. The movie makes a point that human beings being a host for them is accidental since it seems whales are what they normally use to reproduce. I found that to be a creative twist that while I’ve seen it before was executed well here and enjoyable. Be warned that this is the kind of movie that takes it time and tries to creep you out not with jump scares or deaths but wants to get under your skin with the idea that small parasites could be inside you without you knowing it until your eyes explode!

I keep mentioning the bit about the eyes. We see it happen on screen as well as another victim after the fact when they board another ship that had been caught up by the creature. This also gives us a lot of the bodies with their throats cut. Foreshadowing the fate of our characters perhaps? The creature is seen on screen a few times and is brought to life with digital effects. While I’m a fan of old school rubber monsters I think that since they are going for a jellyfish type creature and it is supposed to feel otherworldly CGI was the way to go. I do want to point out that this isn’t about the gore or monster and again is more psychological as it attempts to freak you out in other ways.

I wouldn't touch that!

The camera work and lighting are great. The setting of the boat is brought to life perfectly using the isolation of being at sea and the shadows to create a lot of atmosphere. I don’t wish to invoke a true classic of the genre here and Sea Fever isn’t nearly the movie that The Thing is, but they do manage to capture the same vibe that movie has. At least the paranoia and distrust that is generated by not knowing who the threat is. We even get a tense scene where they figure out how they can test who might be infected which is very reminiscent of Carpenter’s classic. The movie also has a great ending that I didn’t see coming, though I really should have.

I don’t think it will come as much of a surprise when I recommend Sea Fever. I appreciated that the filmmakers went for something a bit different and managed to pull of some creepy fun on a budget. Plus, this is an Irish movie and that always makes things more fun!

 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

The Action Adventure Hour

Jason Payne, one of the guys that I worked with years ago on the Gutmunchers Podcast, and I were recently chatting about the old days. That conversation was prompted by me finding the old shows on a drive that I forgot I had. I let him know that I was planning on posting them here at Crappy Movie Reviews which got us to talking. The idea of doing another show together came up and soon The Action Adventure Hour was born.

What is this new show of ours all about? Jason and I are both huge fans of Action movies and thought that they are a bit underrepresented in the podcasting world. We plan on digging deep and covering all sorts of good stuff. Our focus will mostly be on movies that you might not have heard of, though don’t be surprised if we cover some of the classics too. You can expect Westerns, Kung Fu, Hidden Temples, Lost Treasures, and yes, some Blaxploitation. It wouldn’t be a show with Jason and I without some of the latter. 

Jason and I both hope you get a kick out of what we are doing. If you have any questions or suggestions fire them off to me at gutmunchers@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you or answer them on the show.

Episode 6 is our first show of 2021. We decided to kick the new year off right with some classic John Woo Hong Kong cinema. Of course we're talking some Gun Fu action with our look at Hard Boiled. Starring Chow Yun-Fat this is the first movie that served as the entry into the John Woo flicks. 

Episode 1: Firewalker (1986)

Jason and John kick off the new show by talking about this Chuck Norris action flick that also stars Melody Anderson, Louis Gossett Jr., and Sonny Landham! Lots of silliness and mayhem ensue as we talk about why we would suck at being bad guys and how the Aztecs and Incans were totally different cultures and not interchangeable. 

Episode 2: Men at Work (1990)

In this episode Jason and John cover the Emilio Estevez written and directed flick about garbage men and the shenanigans they get up to. Co-starring his real life brother Charlie Sheen and a scene stealing Keith David as their Vietnam Vet ride along this movie is a fun ride. We also make some connections between this movie and a popular T.V. show for us old guys. One might say with this second episode we are WINNING!. Heh... see what I did there?

Episode 3: Primal (2019)

It was time for Jason and John to check out a Nic Cage movie. This time around he is a big game hunter illegally transporting some exotic animals onboard a ship. One that is commandeered by the U.S. government to transport a dangerous fugitive. Things go sideways when the prisoner escapes and lets all of Cage's animals loose, including a dangerous big cat. Shenanigans ensue. Join us as we talk about this and shoot the breeze about a lot of other things. 

Episode 4: A History of Violence (2005)

Jason decided to class things up with some oscar worthy acting and direction when he chose A History of Violence. I pick a Nic Cage flick and he goes all artsy on me! A man trying to escape his past finds a new life and family only for it all to be shattered when some killers walk into his diner. All the work that he did burying his old life comes to an end when his face hits the news. Join us as we talk about the movie, censorship, and local beers. 

Episode 5: Final Score

After some technical difficulties scuttled our scheduled movie, Red Dawn, we had to pick a replacement. That movie is Final Score which is sort of a combination of Sudden Death and Die Hard. Starring Dave Bautista, Ray Stevenson, and Pierce Brosnan this was a surprisingly good movie. Listen to John and Jason talk about it as well as some James Bond trivia and other nonsense. 

Wolfen (1981)

Here is a movie that I’ve not watched in a long time. It has an excellent cast with Tom Noonan, Gregory Hines, and Albert Finney as our lead. I remember it being billed back in the day as a “modern” werewolf movie, but that was almost forty years ago. It has probably been nearly that long since I watched it. Suppose it is time to revisit this one.

A rich dude and wife are driving around in their limo when they decide to stop at the park. They do some frolicking and some coke… then something shows up and kills them. Since he is a high-profile citizen the NYPD calls on Detective Dewey Wilson to investigate the case. Right away he doesn’t feel that this was a political execution, like everyone else does. He begins looking at other possibilities. With the help of a coroner (Hines) and a zoologist (Noonan) an alternate theory involving Indians and possibly shapeshifting develops. This leads to a very uncomfortable sequence on a grubby beach where we get to see way too much of Edward James Olmos… some things can’t be unseen. Eventually we find out that it isn’t a werewolf or shapeshifter but is instead some nature spirits angry that their territory is being infringed on.

There are things about Wolfen that I really like and others that I don’t. Might as well start with the good stuff. The cast is excellent and have a lot of chemistry on screen. This is especially so of Hines and Finney. When they share a scene together there is a lot of energy and things seem to speed up. Noonan is also a lot of fun as yet another quirky character in a career filled with them who sadly comes to a bad end. The setting of New York City is great as well. Back in the seventies and eighties the city has a certain scuzzy feeling that came across on screen. I’ve mentioned this before in other reviews that filmmakers who knew how to use the city got a lot of production value for nothing. An excellent example of that here is when we get an abandoned neighborhood that looks like a warzone with all the buildings gutted. It is the perfect setting for where the trouble starts.

There are other great locations in Wolfen. We also get a fantastic scene at the top of a bridge that was clearly shot on the top of a bridge. No fancy CGI or green screens here. I was almost getting queasy from it. Though the best must be the morgue scene. Not only do we have tons of naked bodies lying there like slabs of meat but there is a grubby feeling with the not quite white walls and poor fluorescent lighting. It feels like the city itself is another character.

The monster is a wolf... okay a few of them.

We get a respectable eight kills. Though they aren’t spaced as evenly as I would have liked though there are some good gags. Hands and heads go flying and we get some brains hitting the ground. Those are fun. Sadly, a lot of the kills are off screen, which sucks. The creature effects were very disappointing. The magical spirits that are killing everyone are wolves. Okay cool…  but they just use the same five or six pieces of footage to show them growling. Other than a scene here and there we never even get to see them attack. They basically made a monster movie without any real monster action. I was hoping for some big reveal or payoff at the end but got nothing. That was a bummer.

Since we have officially entered the things I didn’t’ like part of the review I need to mention the pacing. While I enjoyed the mystery being unraveled there is a lot of padding in Wolfen. First up we have the love interested/criminal profiler character. She seems to exist for the requisite sexy times and to be put in danger at the very end. But she has a lot of scenes and dialogue, all of which feels unnecessary and bogs the movie down. There are also a lot of scenes discussing the terrorists and interrogating them, even after the narrative has abandoned that as the cause for the attacks. This is another way that Wolfen shoots itself in the foot and kills any momentum they were building. Finally, the ending is odd. I sort of understand it, but it doesn’t play well and gives the movie unfinished feel. Nothing is resolved. What was the point of the almost two hours I spent watching the movie?

This is a hard one for me to recommend or not recommend. As I’ve stated above there are some good things about the movie and some bad things. I guess the only answer that I can come up with is I hadn’t seen this in almost forty years and I’m not sure that I need to watch it again for another forty. Of course, that is being optimistic that I’m still around then. That non-answer will have to do as my answer.

 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Baby Frankenstein (2018)

 

This is one of those movies that I was sold on with a trailer. It promises a funny horror movie with a diminutive star. They don’t shy away from showing you the creature because the makeup effects are great. It was firmly on my radar and sure enough before too long I had a copy to watch. The trailer lied.

Lance and his mother move into a new house. Helping is Ken, the mom’s jerk boyfriend. They meet the nice guy neighbor, that Ken immediately insults, and Lance wanders off. He discovers a padlocked attic and finds a monster which he accidentally activates. He runs across the street to grab the pretty girl next door named Truth. Together they end up chasing the monster around, figuring out early on that it is basically harmless. While they are bonding we meet Dauvin Lundquist. He works for the company that created the monster and was notified when it activated. It was stolen decades earlier and they want their property back.

Lundquist is offering a large reward and after Ken figures out that the kids have the “Chupacabra”, he isn’t very bright, he goes after them. Not knowing when to stop and obsessed with the pile of cash he ends up kidnapping and threatening to kill Lance’s mom if they don’t hand it over. There is a weird twist, someone ends up in the trunk of a car headed to what is likely a bad end, and the monster ends up happy.

This wasn’t the movie that I was sold by the trailer. There are zero attempts at horror and what comedy they do try fails. The jokes don’t land and if I’m being honest, I don’t think I found anything funny at all about the movie. The closest I came to a laugh was a bit at the urinals and I think a brief discussion of urinary tract infections. Not sure about the details. The rest of the attempted humor doesn’t work. But at least we have a monster, right? Not really. He doesn’t do anything and is quite helpless. This is a movie where no one dies unless the guy in the trunk at the end who maybe dies after the end credits. Again, that isn’t terribly clear.

The makeup work is outstanding

I get that some people might tell me that this is supposed to be a drama and not a horror flick. Okay fine. Let me tell you something else about this movie. Instead of a cohesive plot we have the kids finding the monster and then running away dominating the story. What are the characters up to while this so-called chase is happening? They go walking in the woods, shop for a couch, buy Baby Frankenstein a costume so they can take him trick or treating, then take him trick or treating. Is that too much excitement for you? Then you are going to hate the swings at the park and the staring at a fish tank scenes. The best part is the bowling montage because watching them learn to bowl is how you get an audience excited about your characters. Baby Frankenstein is very slow and never gets to the point.

I could also add the terrible acting with characters yelling over each other. Not only could I not understand the dialogue, but it started giving me a headache. There is also that generic rock music that so many independent filmmakers like to blast in the direction of the audience. Simply put this isn’t a well-made movie.

I will say that the makeup on the titular character is outstanding. It looks amazing and the actor can move around easily in it, which makes for a good performance. In fact, the best actor in the movie might the one they didn’t give any lines to. Let that sink in. Other than the makeup, I have nothing good to say about the movie. The pacing is terrible, the jokes aren’t funny, and I don’t know what the filmmakers were trying to accomplish. I’d recommend passing on Baby Frankenstein.

 

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Mr. Majestyk (1974)

 

I mentioned Charles Bronson in the review for Defiance as the go to guy for these action revenge flicks. Most of you probably think Death Wish but I thought it would be fun to switching things up by checking out Mr. Majestyk, an underrated Bronson movie. He was a bad ass before playing Paul Kersey you know!

Here Bronson portrays Vince Majestyk, a guy that is just trying to get his melon crop in on time! He runs into a local hood named Bobby that wants him to use his workers to harvest the crop. But Vince wants to use the migrant laborers that will do it correctly. Bobby pulls a shotgun and Vince kicks his butt. It doesn’t end well though because a warrant is sworn out and he ends up in jail. This puts Majestyk on a prison bus with notorious hitman Frank. During a jailbreak Vince takes off with him and offers to return the hitman to the sheriff if they will just give him a couple of days to harvest his crops. Dude just wants to get his melons in before it is too late!

Some stuff happens, and Frank gets away from Vince. But he isn’t’ satisfied with just getting away and has an overwhelming desire to kill him for messing up the jailbreak. The hitman returns to town and begins his murderous plans. But of course, he doesn’t realize that he is messing with a medal winning former soldier. The tables get turned and the killer becomes the “killee” … Not sure that is even a word, but you get my meaning. All is well that ends well, but we never do get to find out if he gets his melons on time.

Not enough people talk about Mr. Majestyk. This is a great movie that follows the action revenge template in a satisfying way. Bronson is awesome as a man who just wants to live the simple life of a farmer. Along the way he encounters other characters that just won’t leave him alone. He doesn’t want to use Bobby’s crew, but they try to bully him into it. This forces Vince to fight back. Then Bobby uses the law to punish him but putting him in jail during the harvest. Dick move, but just acts as another way to push the character beyond his limits. Then the hitman Frank tries to buy his freedom, and when our hero refuses decides to kill him.

As much as Bronson’s character tries to avoid it he has to get violent. They just won’t leave him alone to harvest his melon crop! I can’t think of an actor that plays the reluctant hero role better than Bronson does. He isn’t interested in violence, but the world is so cruel that he ends up not having a choice. His performance is spot on. Unfortunately, the other characters aren’t as well developed or cast. Most of them are throwaway caricatures that are there solely to either be bad guys or to get hurt to justify what happens later. This is especially obvious with the female leads who have nothing interesting to add to the story.

What the heck! Why am I talking about characters when this is a good old-fashioned action movie? While I like Mr. Majestyk and wish that more people would watch it there are flaws. The bad guys need to be interesting or at least unredeemable and evil so that the audience gets a visceral reaction to their eventual demise. Here the weasel Bobby is more interesting than the killer Frank who is supposed to be the real threat. The dude doesn’t even kill anyone! Then we have the friends of Vince who have terrible things done to them. I didn’t feel any connection to them at all, so when bad stuff happens, I didn’t care. 

While still a decent movie and one that deserves to be seen Mr. Majestyk falls into that second tier of action revenge movies. One watch is probably enough for most people. If you get the chance to rent it or catch it on a streaming service that is what I’d recommend.  

 

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer