The movie
opens with a very Jaws like scene with something moving menacingly under the
water. We then see a couple getting frisky before something catches the man’s
attention. And not the half-naked girl in front of him! Bad things happen and
then the scene cuts to black. Now before I continue just let me say that if you
are going to call back to a classic like Jaws you had better have your “A”
game. Otherwise as a viewer I’m not going to be judging your movie too kindly.
Let’s
continue as we meet up with our main characters. A couple of nondescript
American women on vacation. They meet up with some other bland locals, one of
whom they knew in college, and end up on an island that they aren’t supposed to
go to. The guys keep getting hypnotized and are drawn to a pretty lady who
isn’t a lady. There is also a backstory tacked on about an special underwater
military unit that was in the area years ago. I think that this is done so they
can bring the crusty old man character into the movie. This is the one
highlight of Killer Mermaid, for me at least. Franco Nero plays Niko, the
crusty old guy. Sadly, he isn’t in it much.
Some bad
things happen, annoying millennials get dead, Nero gets to be a badass at the
end, and more mermaids show up at the end to throw down in a fight that would
have likely been far more interesting to see than what we just spent an hour
and a half watching. Sadly, the credits roll before the fight happens. You know
I really didn’t like this movie. Why you may ask? Let me enlighten you in the
hopes that you may avoid wasting your time.
The pacing
is completely off. The movie is only ninety minutes long and it has long
stretches of padding to reach that duration. We are treated to people on a boat
where nothing happens… twice. There is an extended dancing scene preceded by
dialogue that is inane and annoying. The bad dialogue is further complicated by
actors that aren’t very good, though I will make the exception for
Kristina
Klebe who I thought was decent. Oh and of course Franco Nero is awesome like he
always is. Though it sucks that he has to work in movies like this. I also
noticed that when Nero shares the screen with most of the rest of the cast he
makes them look even worse by how great he is. If you have a weak cast the
worst thing you can do is put them with someone with acting chops.
 |
| Franco Nero is awesome... and wasted in this movie. |
What else
can I say? They keep splitting up for no apparent reason. The women stroll
right up to the water’s edge to get killed, when the mermaid “monsters” out it
looks ridiculous, and there is a lot of shaky camera work. Even when things had
a chance to get good the movie fails. For example, there is a man who is
obsessed with the mermaid and feeds her people. That means he kills and
butchers them. I thought for sure we were going to get a gruesome scene, but
they hide what could have been awesome gore by keeping it and the resulting
horror mostly to the shadows.
Mermaid
needed more Franco Nero being a bad ass and less of everything else. This one
isn’t just a pass from me, but a hard pass. Complete waste of time.
© Copyright 2018 John Shatzer
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