I’m going to review a Steven Seagal movie for the blog. Never thought that I would do that and if I did it would be because I was expanding into covering action movies. Under Siege and the sequel are pretty badass movies and ones that I enjoy. My good buddy Tim Gross from Gross movie reviews mentioned that Segal did a vampire movie and I knew that I had to watch it. Well at least it isn’t Hide and Go Shriek…
Through a voice over we are told that a plague has spread thru the world. There is no cure and no immunity, you either die, become a monster, or survive. Then we are immediately told that some people are immune and others just change into the monsters. So, then there was immunity? Crap this is going to be one of those movies, isn’t it? The rest of the movie follows two groups that keep splitting up. One is a group of survivors that are in a hospital looking for medicine. Another is a group of hunters lead by Segal’s character who is there to kill the “vampires” and collect the survivors.
Early on it is explained that they have to get out of the hospital before the power goes out because there is only one entrance in and they can’t open it without. Only some of the people, including the hunters don’t know where that door is. So how the hell did they get in? More importantly why don’t they just leave that way rather than crawl thru a hospital with one room after another of “vampires” in their way? The story doesn’t make any sense and exists only to set up on scene after another of “vampire” attacks and talking about “vampire” attacks. Stuff happens some people die and Segal walks off in the sunset after delivering maybe twenty lines and collecting a paycheck.
What the hell! This movie doesn’t have a plot. It is walk from one dark room to another, repeat until we reach the required length and roll credits. I’ve seen a lot of bad Steven Seagal movies but this can’t even be called a movie. What is worse is that it keeps referencing a much better story and movie, Last Man on Earth (aka. I am Legend… not the crappy Will Smith movie but the excellent novella). We have characters twice mention that they are now the monsters and that the “vampires” are the future. John’s number one rule for crappy movies is never ever remind us of what a good movie looks like by referencing it or having the poster in your bad movie!
|Okay kid vampires are creepy... Movie still sucks! Get it? Ha!|
You might also notice I keep putting vampires in parenthesis. That is because these aren’t vampires. Well okay maybe sometimes they are. We do see them drink blood on occasion and do seem to have bodies hung up to drain them. But then they also act like zombies sometimes by ripping victims apart and eating their flesh. Oh, but then there are other times when they want to eat flesh but are smart and patient. I guess some of them have table manners? They are referred to as mutants as well. Seriously the behavior changes so much that I’m not sure that the movie knows what these are supposed to be.
The one potential saving grace is that Seagal is in the movie. But he is barely in it and some of the scenes he is “in” is actually a body double only seen from behind or out of focus. He barely has any lines and even less fight work. We see him wield a sword but most of his fat guy not moving his feet moves are missing. Damn it when I sit down to watch a crappy Steven Seagal movie I want some Steven Seagal! So disappointing!
Skip Against the Dark. It is a terrible movie that has no idea what it wants to be and promises Steven Seagal without delivering him.
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