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I thought I'd kick the new year off with another movie marathon. I thought it was time to check out a few old school mystery flicks. Som...

Wednesday, February 1, 2023

Amityville Island (2020)

The pain continues with this installment from director Mark Polonia. Here he proves, yet again, that he has quit trying. With that spoiler out of the way I might as well get this over with and talk about the “plot” of Amityville Island.

There is a lady on her cellphone while driving, sheesh how irresponsible is that? We hear her talk about how her husband has died overseas and how she is now a single mom of four. Not to worry though because after purchasing a box of crap from “the house” she gets possessed by a spooky baby doll. How does that help? Well, she kills her kids, so problem solved. At least the single mom problem. Now she is in prison and gets forced into the lamest prison fighting ring ever. When the baby doll demonic force takes over again she kicks her opponents butt and they both get sent to “the island”.

So, what is this island? There is a doctor who is experimenting on lady prisoners in an attempt to make super soldiers by injecting nanites into their uterus. Along the way to the mad scientist, we do see the evil baby doll demon take over a bear and a shark so there is some excuse for shitty CGI attacks. There are also some zombies or at least a zombie lady who turned undead monster because of her nanite infused uterus. Damn and the internet gets demonically possessed to kill another dude as well. In case you were wondering… this movie makes no sense.

I will give Polonia some credit in that this movie at least mentions or hints at the haunted items from the house so at least kind of connects to the franchise rather than just toss the name in the title like others have done. But beyond that brief mention this is just a jumble of dumb ideas instead of an actual script. It has a “let’s throw shit at the wall and see what sticks” vibe to it. People like sharks and we can put it on the cover… do it! How about a women in prison fight ring… do it! You know folks like bear attacks… do it! Uterus nanotech super soldiers… DO IT!!! This all ends up in a jumble of nonsense that I found painfully tedious and a chore to sit thru.

Hell, they even tossed in a random reporter subplot that just ends in a car crash after slowing things down with several staring at liquor bottles while on the phone scenes. All this crap is wrapped up in what should be a tight seventy minute long runtime but with all this padding they obviously didn’t have a script to speak of.

The production values are also bad. This was again shot at what appears to be some sort of regional college campus or trade school, which has been used in many of Polonia’s recent movies. The level of set decoration goes back to… want to hide that picture on the wall… don’t take it down just cover it in Reynold’s wrap. That isn’t an exaggeration but is what they actually did and have done before. We also get awful attempts at acting, fight choreography, and CGI special effects that are garbage. Did I mention that it is clear Mark Polonia has stopped trying and is just making “product” now rather than fun low or no budget flicks?

It should come as no surprise to you guys that this is another not recommended from me. While not as awful as some of these Amityville movies have been Amityville Island is still a waste of your time.

© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

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