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I thought I'd kick the new year off with another movie marathon. I thought it was time to check out a few old school mystery flicks. Som...

Friday, February 3, 2023

Amityville Witches (2021)

This marathon is never going to end. This time around the action kicks off in the past where three witches are being hanged. This seems like a legit thing to do since they are chanting and doing other “evil” witchy things. Then the action moves to the present day where a couple of sketchy dudes are going to burgle a house. They break in and sure enough the witches live there. They do some witchy things and I think reprogram them to be nice guys. Wait a minute…

Turns out these ladies are white witches and the good guys to this story. There is a nearby Amityville Academy that is run by an evil witch named Dominque who wants to summon the demon Botis to destroy the world. If she can collect enough witch blood to feed him then she can also control the demon. To that end she keeps inviting students to kill them and feed their blood to the demon who is in a mirror in the basement. Jessica is the latest victim, but she has the special three horned mark and that is some kind of prophecy or something. Stuff happens and the day is saved.

This isn’t a horrible movie, at least by Amityville standards which are admittedly not terribly high. The story has a beginning, middle, and end. It also makes sense and while the pacing is awful with lots of spinning in circles, training montages, and positive reaffirmations to how wonderful life is it at least is trying to tell a cohesive story. The cast is at least proficient enough to deliver the dialogue and are not terrible. Though as far as the story goes this is another Amityville flick that has nothing to do with the franchise other than having the name slapped on it. Hell, this was clearly shot entirely in England regardless of them trying to sell it as being in the United States. Though my only real issue with the movie is the glacial pacing of the story.

Pew pew pew... magic!!!
The “action” is staged is a very goofy way that I can best describe by referencing a South Park episode. Remember when Cartman thought he had psychic powers and got into “fights” with other psychics by wiggling his fingers and making “mew pew mew boop boop boop” sounds? Yeah, that pretty much sums up what we get. The demon is basically a shirtless dude with a bit of makeup on his head and chest. Again, it is okay but not anything too memorable. There are three kills with the first, a decent throat slash with blood spray, being the best. The others are sort of forgettable.

I’m at the point with these Amityville flicks that if you manage to keep the camera in focus and attempt to tell some sort of story, I’m going to give you props. Yeah, the bar is that low some twenty five entries in. Amityville Witches is not normally a movie I’d like, and I still can’t say that I do. But in the context of this franchise, it is one of the better entries. Though that isn’t a recommendation at all. Don’t watch this movie. I guess I’m onto the next one.


© Copyright 2023 John Shatzer

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