Split Second (1992)

I’m a big Rutger Hauer fan but somehow totally missed catching this one when it came out. In fact, I just recently watched it for the first time more than twenty-five years after it was released. Was it worth the wait? Read on and find out.

Hauer plays detective Stone, a cop who is on a mission. His partner was killed by a mysterious serial killer years earlier and he is determined to find the killer and make them pay. Early on we also get to see that Stone has a strange connection to the killer and knows when he is around. After some shenanigans at a club where the latest victim is found slaughtered in the ladies room, he is partnered up with a young straight-laced detective Dick Durkin. So, we are all ready for a buddy cop movie… except that isn’t what we get at all!

The movie is set in the distant future of 2008 where global warming has caused the oceans to rise and London, where the movie is set, to be partially flooded by the Thames river. This is important because we eventually find out that the killer isn’t a person at all but some sort of mutated rat sewer monster that because it had attacked Stone years before now carries part of his DNA with it. This is why there is a psychic connection between the two. Stone and Durkin, along with his long dead partner’s wife (played by Kim Cattrall), end up venturing into the flooded sewers to do battle with the monster.

Again, how did I miss this movie? The dialogue is snappy and gives Hauer the chance to chew the scenery and generally be awesome. This is him at his best and if you are a fan of the man, then you will love Split Second. His character of Stone is tortured by guilt, while also being self-destructive, super violent, sarcastic, and generally a pain in the ass. This is a perfect role for him because no one else played this better in the eighties and nineties. The rest of the cast is solid with the aforementioned Cattrall as well as some other familiar faces showing up along the way.

Hauer was the man!

The movie is paced perfectly and gets right to the action without ever stopping for too long. Split Second is an action movie in every sense. Shots are fired, people are killed, things blow up and very large guns checked out of the armory. That last one is a reference to a line of dialogue from Durkin after he finally sees the creature and realizes that most bullets bounce right off it. Speaking of the creature it doesn’t get much screen time which was a bummer. When you do finally see the monster, it looks decent. I mean honestly it is clearly an Aliens rip off but is executed nicely so I give them credit for that if not originality. The movie uses a lot of fast cuts and shadows to keep us from seeing too much which is fine until the big fight at the end. By then I wanted to see it and Hauer do battle. Because of the editing I was a bit disappointed with the finale.

Overall Split Second is an excellent movie that again proves there were good genre flicks coming out in the nineties I just wasn’t paying attention! It has become pretty easy to find and I recommend that you either stream or add it to your collection. You won’t be disappointed.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Society (1989)

Society is one of those movies that I never got around to watching. Not sure if it was just not available at the shops I was renting at in the early nineties. Though to be fair at some point this transitioned from that to everyone saying, “You have to watch this movie… it is totally something that you would love”. I have this weird issue with people telling me that. Probably some deep-seated insecurity or perhaps the need to be contrary. I ignored all of the suggestions over the years, but then Joe Bob Briggs played it and of course I had to watch it.

Poor Bill is a rich white Beverly Hills kid that doesn’t get along with his family. But unlike some of the overly dramatic spoiled children we get in other movies this time he might have a point. They make little effort to include him in their snooty society events and don’t mind that he misses his sister’s coming out party for a basketball game. Things are clearly messed up as we later get hints tossed at us that Bill’s sister is way too close to their parents… like creepily familiar. Shit is getting weird, though this is nothing yet.

Bill ends up figuring out that he is adopted and doesn’t really belong or fit in with his family and I don’t mean in an afterschool ‘you don’t understand me’ kind of way. This society that they belong too is actually made up of a race of beings that aren’t human. They are shapeshifters and are able to melt their bodies and twist into all kinds of shapes. They also like to have giant gooey body pile orgies and don’t care about how closely you are related. Though the real deal breaker for Bill is when he finds out he has been groomed to be consumed by the group. Basically, you get melted into a pile of them as they absorb you. Not sure if it is for nourishment or if they are just really creepy. I’m probably going for the latter.

Okay, what the hell movie? This flick from director Brian Yunza is incredibly messed up and I’ll admit enjoyably twisted. The plot is paper thin and makes no effort to hide the fact that Bill is being setup. You have over the top nasty characters that seemingly get away with anything they want to. This is also one of those flicks that has the villains pulling off overly complicated and unnecessary tricks to mess with Bill. I mean they just plan on killing him on the special night anyway so why all the extra effort? I guess you could attribute the plans to them being evil and twisted, but the story already did a good job of establishing that.

Things get weird... very weird

But honestly Society isn’t about plot and character. Instead this is all about the payoff at the end. A bunch of naked rich white people melt and consume a single victim, Blanchard, who was dating Bill’s sister at one point. There is a giant pile of flesh that melt into and around him until the leader basically climbs up his butt to finish him off… I think that is what happened. Seriously what the hell movie? When it is Bill’s turn to “contribute” to society he escapes because I guess their only weakness is being fisted up their butt (again with this…). Not sure why the rest didn’t stop him. Then again does it matter.

There are two reasons to watch Society. One is for the many WTF moments that come early and often. The second is for the payoff at the end where we get to see some insane special effects work that is unlike anything else I’ve ever seen before. Now these are both very good reasons to watch the movie. But as for this cult status that it seems to have gained, I’m not sure I agree. I’ve finally seen it and it’s cool, but this certainly doesn’t have the performances or re-watch value of say Re-Animator or The Dentist (another movie directed by Yunza). I’m going to recommend this one but at the same time not buy into the cult classic status that has been endowed on it by some overeager fans. If you can I would watch it on Shudder with the Joe Bob Briggs takes mixed in during the breaks.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Slither (2006)

A small town is about to celebrate the opening of deer hunting season, or maybe it is the closing of it. I’m really not sure, but there are a lot of flannel and guns in town so that is cool. One of the big shots locally is named Grant Grant. He is married to a beautiful local teacher named Starla. One night when she rejects his advances, he hits a bar and then wanders into the woods where he is attacked and taken over by an alien worm. This slowly mutates him into a monster that while still retaining some of Grant’s memories and insecurities also gives him an overwhelming urge to either consume or control everything living in town, both human and animal. Against him are a few survivors including local lawman Bill Pardy, Starla, Mayor MacReady, and a couple others. It is up to them to stop the menace before it can expand beyond town and destroy all life on Earth. This all leads to an explosive finale.

I was one of the people who went to see this on opening weekend, and I loved it! Though according to my research, I was apparently one of the few who did go see it in the theater. For this review I checked on the box office and was shocked to realize how poorly that it did. I knew it wasn’t a hit, but this actually flopped horribly. That annoys me because Slither is one of the best monster movies of the last twenty years and I plan on proving that to you with this review.

First the cast and crew are excellent. Nathan Fillion is really good portraying Bill Pardy with the same self-deferential charm that would serve him well in later roles like Castle. He has some very funny lines and can also believably pull off the action sequences. Elizabeth Banks is great as Starla delivering some serious dialogue in over the top silly situations. Though the best performance comes from Michael Rooker, who spends a lot of the movie under a ton of makeup effects. He is both sympathetic and scary as a man struggling with the changes happening to him. Director James Gunn also brings an appreciation of the genre as well as a wicked sense of humor to the proceedings, both of which were nice to see.

Speaking of humor this movie is chocked full of great dialogue. From Pardy admitting that he is going to change the encounter with the alien possessed deer to make him the hero to the family fun day line there is some very quotable gold in Slither. My favorite line has to do when they see a person absorbed by the Grant monster blob and Pardy dropping the classic, “Well, now that is some fucked up shit.” Between the writing, line delivery, and timing from the cast there is a lot to enjoy, but let’s not forget that this is still a horror movie about an alien invasion. Which of course leads me to the next discussion.

Slug attack!

It is time to talk effects, gore and kills. In addition to the funny bits Slither also gives you about everything you could want in the way of special effects work. There are hundreds of worms that come popping out of a bloated woman that Grant used as an incubator for his alien brood. When she pops they come out like a tidal wave. This leads to a lot of slug attacks as they are squirming down throats and taking up residence in brains. Early on they have a cool effect that looks like an x-ray that follows the first alien as it possesses Grant. We get to watch it shoot up his spinal cord and take over. We also get people split in half, guts hitting the ground, more than one headshot, acid getting spit at people, and of course the creature design on Grant. A lot of this stuff is digital, but it looks decent enough. We do get some practical gags along the way as well. There is a lot to appreciate here and I can’t think of a single scene or gag that isn’t pulled off.

Great cast, dialogue, director, special effects, and kills make for a fun movie. Why didn’t Slither find an audience? Is it because they released it in March rather than October? Were people not interested in a rated R creature feature? It confuses the heck out of me because this was and is a great movie. My only consolation is that fans have found it in the decade plus since its initial theatrical run. If you haven’t discovered the awesomeness of Slither yet go get yourself a copy. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Mom and Dad (2018)

While prowling around the internet I stumbled upon the announcement that there was a new movie coming out starring Nicolas Cage. I can’t lie and pretend that I wasn’t interested. As bad as most of his recent outings have been there is some enjoyment out of seeing him overact and chew on the scenery. Then I read that Selma Blair was co-starring and that the movie was about an epidemic of parents killing their children. Now this has some potential!

Things start off nicely enough. Cage and Blair play the parents of a teenage daughter and elementary aged son. The movie follows the family on its normal day that is derailed by media coverage of kids being killed. This prompts the parents to track down their children to protect them… and of course as soon as they see the kids, they become homicidal. The daughter, Carly, jumps into action to protect her little brother with the aid of her boyfriend, Damon. Eventually Carly and her brother end up in the basement where Cage and Blair’s characters try to gas them by messing with the supply line to the furnace. They are so going to blow up their Dad!

Much mayhem and violence ensue. This includes the paternal grandparents showing up for a planned supper and going apeshit as well. I guess it doesn’t matter how old the kids are you just got to kill them all! Who could they possibly have cast as Cage’s father? God dang Lance Henriksen! Things get really crazy really fast with some kitchen cutlery and a prized muscle car. After some deaths and more terrible stuff happening the movie just sort of ends and does so in a perfect way.

I rather enjoyed Mom and Dad. There are some horrific and disturbing scenes in it. Oddly enough they don’t have much to do with gore. There is a scene in a hospital where Blair’s sister is giving birth and the buildup to giving her the baby to hold for the first time was gut-wrenching. The audience knows something bad is up, but the characters don’t. This also leads into a quick bit with fathers starring at their newborns thru the glass. The look on their faces is creepy as hell.

Cage is always awesome not matter how bad the movie.

When we finally get to the meat of the plot with the parents coming home to kill Carly and her brother it gets crazy. Mostly because Nicolas Cage is awesomely over the top. Dude is singing the Hokey Pokey while trying to kill them which is a call back to him being lovingly goofy early in the day. It was also really funny to see Mom and Dad fighting over him bringing a gun into the house that she didn’t know about. I mean the kids could get hurt! Sure, they are trying to kill them, but he needs to be responsible I guess? The dialogue and the normal conversational way that Cage and Blair deliver it only adds to how bonkers this whole setup and situation is.

Most of the kills are implied or off screen. You see a bit of gore, but this isn’t the kind of movie that is going to linger on it. The direction and editing are solid and keep the action moving along and slowly building tension. You can see something coming but aren’t sure what. In fact, the movie ends in a totally abrupt and surprising way. But I liked it a lot. The opening credits have a very retro feel to them and was a nice way to start off. I also noticed a lot of cool older songs that as a child of the eighties I really dug. The highlight for me was when Erasure’s Chains of Love pops on during a big fight in and around the muscle car. It was an odd choice but this is an odd movie so it works.

Honestly, I haven’t even scratched the surface with Mom and Dad. There are so many cool things going for this one that all I have left to say is check it out. Good flick that is worth your time.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Kids are hanging out necking in the woods when they see a shooting star. Mike and Debbie decide to interrupt their fun and investigate since it looked like it crashed nearby. They aren’t the only ones as Farmer Gene gets there first with his dog Pooh Bear and trust me that doesn’t end well. The kids show up afterwards and end up thinking it is some strange circus since a big top has been setup in the middle of the woods. Only it isn’t a circus but is in fact a space ship filled with Killer Klowns! The title is beginning to make sense now, right?

The pair get back to town where they try to get the police to believe them, but of course that isn’t going to happen. I mean adults… am I right? Only when officer Dave sees the Klowns in action that he sets Mike free to warn the town while he goes to the station to summon help. But will that be in time? The Klowns are running all over town killing and kidnapping the locals for food. I suppose a Klown does have to eat… The movie ends in a big showdown between our heroes and the alien menace who luckily does have a weakness they can exploit.

I love this movie. The premise is absurd but works well for the overall tone of Killer Klowns from Outer Space. This is a parody of the old fifties monster movies that I’ve covered quite extensively here at Crappy Movie Reviews. You have “kids” (actors well into their twenties portraying characters much younger than that) finding out about an alien invasion and trying to warn the adults. They don’t listen to the teens, or in this case college students, and accuse them of playing pranks. This is taken to the extreme when Officer Mooney, played brilliantly by the great John Vernon, refuses to acknowledge the phones ringing off the hook. His response to all the calls for help? Kick back at his desk and ignore them!

There are other examples and references to the classic fifties sci-fi tropes such as the out spot when it all starts, a farmer being the first victim, something crashing from the sky, and eventually the younger generation saving the day. These are all lifted from the Blob but were used repeatedly in movies like Invasion of the Saucer Men and The Giant Gila Monster. This connection to old movies only makes me love Killer Klowns more.

The Klown makeup is great and varies from one to the other giving all the alien baddies a unique and individual look. The Chiodo brothers, who made this movie, got their start off as special effects guys so this attention to detail shouldn’t come as a surprise. This is all practical effects work with actors in actual rubber suits and masks as it should be! The Chiodo brothers were also responsible for another favorite creature feature of mine, Critters, so I’m a huge fan. The kills aren’t terribly bloody, but we do get a head knocked off which is fun. The rest of the kills are Klown themed and include cotton candy guns, shadow puppets, and little popcorn monsters. God, I love this movie!

This is a personal favorite of mine. I had the chance to see it on its initial release and have never forgotten how much fun it was to see in the theater. Since then I’ve watched it every year around Halloween and even managed to catch a screening in the theater this past year (check out this link). Regardless of how many times I’ve watched Killer Klowns from Outer Space is has never disappointed. You can’t ask for much more than that. I’m recommending this one if you haven’t figured it out yet.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

House of the Long Shadows (1983)

I’m a huge fan of director Pete Walker’s movies, especially his output from the seventies. He had retired by the end of that decade only to return for this one last time. With House of the Long Shadows he was hired by Cannon films to make an old school horror flick and boy did he succeed at that.

Desi Arnaz Jr. plays Kenneth, an American author touring England promoting his latest novel. When his publisher makes a comment about how they don’t write them like they used to Kenneth bets him that he could knock out an old school story in twenty-four hours. The bet is accepted, and an isolated country house is chosen as a nice quiet location to work. Only the place turns out to not be so peaceful. The weekend that he arrives to write also happens to be the same time that the former inhabitants decide to revisit their ancestral home. If that weren’t enough the publisher also sent his lovely assistant Mary along to spook Kenneth and distract him! I suppose all is fair when bets are involved.

Now if this alone were the story it wouldn’t be terribly interesting, would it? The family has a skeleton in their proverbial closet, as well as one upstairs in a locked room! Before anyone realizes it they are all being stalked and killed off one at a time by an insane brother bent on revenge. It doesn’t matter if you are family or not, being present is enough to make you fair game. The rest of the movie plays out as a mystery/stalk and kill. Along the way we get a couple old school twists and turns to make things entertaining.

I love this movie for a couple of reasons. The first of which is the casting. When Walker was hired to direct an old school horror movie, he basically cast everyone still living from the old days. The patriarch of the family is played by John Carradine with his sons being portrayed by Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Vincent Price. Let that marinate in your brain for a few seconds. Here we have four of the greatest horror actors ever, and certainly the best still living at the time. The only bummer was that they had intended to cast Elsa Lanchester as the only daughter, but she was too ill to travel to the set. Not only is it amazing to see these guys working off of one another, but individually they are each able to bring something unique to the screen. Cushing plays the mousy, cowardly brother with zeal. Price is larger than life delivering over the top soliloquies and chewing up scenery, and well Lee is awesomely creepy. This alone makes House of the Long Shadows worth a watch. But that isn’t all we get.

Look at this cast... seriously drink it in. Amazing...

The source material for the movie is based on an old play, Seven Keys to Baldpate, which itself had already been made into a movie seven times as well as a television adaptation in the fifties. While this story only loosely references the material in spirit it is very close. Basically, this is a more modern, for the early eighties, take on the old dark house movies that were immensely popular in the thirties. We get hidden doors, cobwebs, candles, and a big storm outside effectively trapping our characters in a giant spooky house. Of course, there is murder and a family secret that no one wants to revel as well as an unknown and unseen killer lurking about. The filmmakers effectively took these classic actors and put them in an equally classic story completely succeeding in making a fun throwback film.

I could and want to go on talking about House of the Long Shadows, but I’m afraid I’d spoil things and I really don’t want to do that. The decade of the eighties was dominated by Slasher movies and other gorefests. While I love those movies there is something special about seeing these old favorites getting a chance for one last hurrah together. Plus, this is the only movie where the big three of Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and Vincent Price appear onscreen together. How can you pass that up? In case it isn’t obvious I’m going to recommend that you don’t pass on it. For many years you could only find this movie on bootlegs of varying quality, but now there is a very nice and affordable Blu-Ray from the fine folks at Kino Lorber. I suggest this as the best way to check out the movie.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Bloodmania (2017)

I’ve known about this movie for a while now but avoided watching it. First it was the final project of one of my favorite directors, H.G. Lewis, which made me sad. This is the last new thing that I would ever see from him. Second it was an anthology with only two of the four stories being directed by him and I’ve heard bad things about the other segments. I really didn’t want the last new H.G. Lewis movie to be anything other than great. Eventually I sucked it up and checked it out.

The first story is directed by H.G. Lewis and is called Gory Story. It is a random bit of nonsense that basically exists to be bloody and do horrible things to the main character. Brewster has a hook for a hand and inexplicably it has a mind of its own. Basically, the hook makes him do terrible things on accident, mostly to himself. Though he has a hook because he tried to cut off his cheating girlfriend’s hand with a chainsaw and lopped his own off instead. So maybe he is just a klutz.

As one would expect from a story from H.G. Lewis this has a lot of gore in it. Brewster not only lops his hand off in a flashback, but he also loses an eye, gets puked on by a kid, and gets his legs run over. For the most part the effects work is practical but done on the cheap. The latter is important because that is what I want from an H.G. Lewis flick, lots of cheap gore. There is also a bad pun towards the end that made me groan and giggle simultaneously. So far, I’m digging the movie.

Next up is Attack of Conscience. Time for the first segment that Lewis didn’t have a hand in. This is an odd story where we see the same woman being killed by the man that she loves in different scenarios. She is killed in a car wreck that he causes, tossed off a roof, nailed to the wall and burned alive. It ends when he finally just shoots her. It all is very confusing until we realize that she is in a coma. Thru some narration by the doctor taking care of her we find out that she did something violent to the man and his new girlfriend before ending up in a coma. I guess what we see is her in purgatory of sorts, so I suppose the title makes sense.

This story seems like it wanted to be deeper than the budget allowed it to be. Attack of Conscience attempts to have a dreamlike vibe and explore the concepts of guilt and eternal punishment. Any chance as success is ruined by the lousy CGI gore, mediocre acting, and an inexplicably stupid end credits sequence that revisits this segment and kills any impact the story might have retained. I appreciate that this was an attempt to do something different, but it failed miserably.

H.G. Lewis returns as director for the next segment called The Night Hag. After seeing an older couple being killed by something mysterious, we see a new family has moved into the same home. The mother is disturbed by the house and warns her children not to fall asleep. Dad is obviously perturbed by this and sneaks some medicine into her drink so she can sleep. Big mistake as a creepy figure crawls out from the walls and starts to eat his wife’s hair! More weird stuff happens until the couple’s young daughters come to the rescue with some hair remover. I guess they were listening to Mom and were ready to do battle?

Now this is an H.G. Lewis movie!

Other than an odd choice of playing the death of the older couple as a sitcom, complete with a laugh track, this is by far the best entry. Ironically it also has the least amount of gore from the four segments. Lewis instead gives us a very creepy and scary story with a creature that is well designed and frightening. The Night Hag was done with the same low budget as the other stories but looks amazing on screen. While we do get on head ripped off as a highlight of the effects work what really pops the creature design. It is the star of this segment and kicks butt. I found it cool to see that even at the end of his career Lewis had other things to offer rather than just the over the top blood and guts that made him the Godfather of Gore.

Things end up with Gorgeous, a heartwarming story about an all-girl rock band and their homicidal manager who ends up killing everyone in sight. The girls are about to hit it big and decide to go with a younger and hipper representative who understands them and the audience better. But their old manager isn’t going to be tossed away so easily. His last day on the job is also the day they are going to shoot their big music video, so he decides that is as good a day as any to start killing them off. From here it becomes your typical stalk and kill flick. Nothing wrong with that and very satisfying.

This is the most “H.G. Lewis” of the bunch. Over the top gore with a killer spouting odd catch phrases and gleefully murdering his way thru the story. Hands get cut off, a throat gets slashed, intestines are pulled out, and damage is done to an eye! There is tons of nudity which is also fun. The killer, Gordo, keeps crowing “Cock-a-Doodle-Doo” and acting like a fool as he commits his murders. Basically, being awesome in that over the top silly way that I want when watching anything with H.G. Lewis’ name on it. While I still dig The Night Hag the most this is a close second.

All four segments tied together with a wraparound of H.G. Lewis introducing and commenting on what we have just or are about to watch. I was very worried about Bloodmania being a poor way to say goodbye to a legend like Lewis, but they nailed it. Even my least favorite of the four isn’t horrible and the last two kick so much butt that they more than make up for it. This ended up being a great farewell to a legendary director.

© Copyright 2020 John Shatzer