Boys from County Hell (2020)

When I saw this pop up on Shudder, I knew that I had to give it a watch. I mean an Irish vampire flick sounds too good to be true. Toss in the fact that it was also pitched as a horror comedy and well I really wanted it to be good. So, was it? Let’s dive in and see.

The movie kicks off with an older couple sitting in their living room watching television. Suddenly they start to bleed out of their orifices and the door busts in, though we can’t see who it is. Then the movie jumps back two months, and we see some locals taking tourists out to check out a cairn marking the grave of a supposed vampire from local legend. They clearly aren’t believers because they scare the shit out of the tourists and laugh at them. But they got free beer out of it so all is good. But then things take a spooky turn.

There are a lot of moving parts with this movie and a plethora of characters. I’m going to do my best to keep it simple and not spoil anything. The legend of the vampire is real and thru an accident he is brought back to life… or I guess un-life. The locals start to get killed off with one or two coming back as vampires. But they have their own unique rules for how that works, which is explained with some dialogue. I also loved how the vampire can feed at a distance which made it even creepier. We also have a conflict between a father and his son, who is trying to make his dead mother’s farm viable. The son is one of the “boys” that must do battle with the vampire. Things get bloody and fun before the finale.

I enjoyed the heck out of this movie. It takes a while for the crazy stuff to get going but when it does it never stops. Limbs go flying, blood gets drained, eyes bleed, noses bleed, and yes vampires get staked. Though that doesn’t kill these “real” vampires it only slows them down. The last half of this movie is very bloody and very fun. The first half we meet the characters and set up the story to come. This is also very well done, and I found myself rooting for them and a bit sad when inevitably some of them don’t make it. I don’t consider that a spoiler by the way. Boys from County Hell is a vampire flick you must know that it isn’t going to end well for everyone.

The Boys

I was a little concerned that we were going to get a lot of CGI but not so much. Too many of the kills happen offscreen but we do get a decent throat slash and an axe to the leg. Though my favorite might be a gag with a metal pole and a vampire’s heart. I think that these were practical or maybe practical with a CGI assist. They look that good so if it was digital, I’m impressed. Where the movie is outstanding is creature makeup. We get a couple “normal” vampires that look about what you would expect them too. But the old vampire that is awakened and set free, Abhartach, looks amazing. He has a very nosferatu look to him and it works perfectly. While they keep him hidden for much of the movie when he does pop on screen, they don’t shy away from showing the audience. The actor portraying the monster also does a great job bringing a character with no dialogue to life. In a movie like this you need to nail the creature and they do that.

This is one of those times when I really wanted to like a movie and ended up have a blast with it. I love the different take on the vampire myth and the fact that the script takes the time to include dialogue explaining the rules for these creatures of the night. Which ironically is one of the things that they changed; daylight is no big deal! If you have Shudder check out Boys from County Hell. If you don’t sign up so you can watch this and some of the other great genre flicks they have for streaming. I highly recommend the movie and the service.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

 

The Sea by R. Karl Largent

I’ve been reading a lot of Largent’s books lately including an earlier tale starring the same character that is the protagonist of this book, Elliot Wages. Since I enjoyed the Ancients, I was all in to check out his next adventure. When I read that The Sea was about a search for Nazi gold and involved the Bermuda Triangle I was sold!

The main character of the book and whose point of view the reader experiences the story is Wages, an author who likes to investigate weird things for inspiration. Minding his own business and headed down to meet an old pal for what he thinks is a friendly visit Wages gets sucked in a search for a sunken U-boat full of Nazi gold. Eventually he finds himself in the middle of the sea on a disabled ship surrounded by strangers, at least one of whom is a murderer. Someone doesn’t want the search for the gold to be successful and is willing to kill to stop it! If that isn’t enough for you toss in a vanished barge, a prehistoric shark, and a fog so thick you can’t see more than a couple of feet. This one has all the creepy hallmarks to be a great time.

Unfortunately, the Sea somehow misses the mark. The book opens with a lot of great action and mystery. Before we get to the meat of the plot Wages ends up protecting a mysterious and beautiful woman from his past. Her abusive husband comes looking for her so when Wages leaves on his trip, he insists she come along. Though it is convenient that she is also a diver, which the expedition can use. The missing barge and prehistoric shark are introduced early on after they arrive and start diving, which gets us right to the action. Then the sabotage and murders begin and adds to the mystery of what is going on. These are all good things that had me sucked right into the story. But then things took a turn about three quarters of the way in.

I’m going to do my best to keep things vague, but there will be some spoilers coming. I hate doing that but to explain my issues with the Sea I need to mention some specifics. With that warning I’m ready to proceed. First the book mentions the Bermuda Triangle and shows us a semitruck sized prehistoric shark in a few scenes. But then mostly dismisses both, especially the shark that is used to fill out a couple of pages but then disappears. The most important bit with the shark is implied and annoyed the hell out of me, more on that later. Don’t tease me with a supernatural/creature plot and then ignore it. This is further complicated by my second complaint.

We end up with a big conspiracy with characters trying to steal the gold for themselves. I guess that is okay, but the twist at the end is terrible. In hindsight I suppose I should have seen it coming, but the “plan” that was put into motion has so many moving parts that it is almost impossible for them to have predicted it would turn out the way they wanted. The entire thing is so implausible that instead of a “AHA” moment you get a “No Freaking Way” moment. This made me even more irritated with the author abandoning the shark and/or triangle plotline.

The third and final issue that I have with the book is a personal pet peeve of mine. I hate it when we have a protagonist that doesn’t get to be involved in the resolution of the story. Here Wages ends up on a life raft adrift in the ocean while the “bad guys” get away on a boat. Weeks later, after being rescued, he is reading the paper and sees a report that the boat was found without any survivors. The reader is supposed to infer that the shark attacked and ate them… So not only is the “hero” not involved but he doesn’t seem to care about getting revenge on the men who tried to kill him! What the hell is that all about? We get zero resolution.

Largent is a good writer and like I said for much of The Sea this was fun read. But as a good friend of mine likes to say, “they crapped the bed at the end”. This is one of those books that is ruined by the lame ending. I’d recommend checking out The Ancients from Largent, which also features the character of Elliot Wages before reading this one. As far as The Sea goes, I can’t recommend it.

 

Ó Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Ape vs Monster (2021)

I love the Asylum and their Mockbusters. If you don’t know what that is well then please allow me to explain. When a big movie, say Godzilla vs Kong comes out companies like this will put out a similar but much cheaper version to cash in. While I’ve been disappointed in the last few that they have done I still haven’t given up hope that the Asylum can get back to making some fun bad movies. Is this the one? Time to check out Ape vs Monster.

The international space station almost gets taken out by something streaking towards Earth. They manage to get a picture of it and realize it is a space craft from a secret joint mission to space that the United States and Soviet Union worked on together in the mid-eighties during the cold war. It has been missing for years but apparently has returned home. The capsule only had one occupant, a chimpanzee named Abraham, who must be long dead after over thirty years adrift. Also on the ship is some weird green goo. This goo mutates Abraham turning him into a giant ape and when a lizard comes by and licks it up it becomes a monster. We also have some aliens zipping around directing the big critters to Washington D.C. for some smashing. Abraham the Ape fights off the alien control with the help of the humans and does battle with the monster. Well, they punch each other a few times. Then he kills the monster, and the aliens fly away. The end.

This movie is stupid and awful… and I loved every minute of it. This is the kind of silly bad movie that the Asylum used to make. Is it dumb? Sure is. Are the CGI effects terrible? Check! Is the acting bad? Oh hell yes it is! Did they get Eric Roberts for a day to sit in an office and talk on the phone like he is in charge? Absolutely. You are probably asking yourself why I like this movie or at least why I think this one is good when others are bad. When the Asylum is at their best, they are tossing so much at the screen that you can’t possibly be bored enough to think about what you are watching. Not when bad CGI monsters are running amok being chased by even worse CGI helicopters whose exteriors don’t match the set that the actors are in at all!

With Ape vs Monster we not only get the creatures fighting and Eric Roberts but there is also Cold War spying, betrayals, a messed-up father daughter relationship, sexism by an army guy, and an old family friend getting squished. This movie starts off fast and never lets up. There is always something on screen to pay attention to. That breakneck pacing is what makes the movie work. Again, the key is to not let the audience think about what they are watching. Trust me if you do have your brain turned on it will ruin the movie for you.

If you like the Asylum at its best, think the first Sharknado or Lavalantula, then you will likely have fun with Ape vs Monster. It has the same shitty charm that those movies do. If on the other hand you want a serious movie with a budget… well why the hell are you watching an Asylum flick? I’ve been accused in the past of recommending bad movies and this time that assertion is correct. Check out Ape vs Monster in all of it cheesy terrible glory!

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Alien 2: On Earth (1980)

You have to love those wacky Italian filmmakers. This is one of several attempts to cash in on the popularity of the original Alien movie. This time we have some Astronauts returning from a mission in space, though this is mostly just in the background. Our main characters are a group of cave explorers who are on their way to do some spelunking. Though not before one of them, Thelma, stops by a television station to give an interview because the others are bowling. She almost faints on camera and her boyfriend, Roy, explains that she is psychic. This is important later.

So, the friends head out to explore the cave. When one of them is peeing he finds a weird blue rock and decides to take it with him. In addition to being a psychic cave explorer it seems that Thelma is also a geologist and loves rocks. But this isn’t any rock, no it is in fact an alien rock. It eventually hatches and attaches itself to one of Thelma’s friends. I think that the biology here is that the rock sprouts a critter that infects a person whose face eventually explodes out into an alien slime creature. How did the rocks get everywhere so quickly? What does the space mission mentioned earlier have to do with it? I have no clue as this movie makes not one lick of sense.

Let me establish right away that I have a fondness for these late seventies and early eighties Italian flicks. The bad dubbing, confusing story, as well as their incessant need to “borrow” whatever was popular that week puts a smile on my face. I mention this because while Alien 2 is an absolute mess of a movie I kind of liked it. From the silly attempts at acting “American” to the weird performances that are partly due to the dubbing and partly due to the cast I found the movie to be entertaining. Though I’ll admit it does drag a bit in the beginning, things do pick up once they hit the cave.

The special effects work is sort of fun. The creature design is a bit lame with it basically being some stringy tentacle looking things and a rock. But we do get some fun kills with a little girl missing her face, a face getting carved up, eyeball popping, and an exploding head. Though my favorite gag is a head getting ripped off and rolling along the ground. Okay that might be my second favorite as the alien hatching thru the eyehole of one of the ladies is memorable too. All of this is practical and while not the greatest work I’ve seen it is plentiful and fun. You can always count on Italian horror from this time period to toss some of the red stuff at you.

Now to the story. Like I’ve already mentioned it doesn’t make any sense. I think that stock footage of astronauts and space capsules are just meant to make it seem like whatever the rocks are came from space. But if they came from the mission how did one of them end up next to a building where one of them was relieving himself? More importantly how did they wipe out humanity, basically everyone is dead when the survivors escape the cave, if there were just a couple on the returning ship? This is where my years of keenly honed Italian genre movie watching skills come into play. Let me impart this wisdom to you. This isn’t going to make sense so just kick back turn your brain on idle and enjoy the proceedings.

This movie is never boring, always has some weird shit happening (intentional or otherwise) and kept my attention from start to finish. Remember the whole psychic thing? Well that allows for Thelma to sense the rocks and is used as an excuse for her not being a hatchery for little aliens slime monsters. Why? Let me remind you again that the plot makes no sense, but they explode a little girls face off so in my mind that makes up for it. I enjoyed Alien 2: On Earth and if you are of the same mindset as me when it comes to these kinds of movies then you may too. With that qualified recommendation I’m off to watch some more crappy flicks.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Road Trip to see Sam Jones – He saved every one of us edition.

It has been a while since I’ve done one of these road trip write ups. With the Coronavirus cancelling everything there hasn’t been much to do or talk about. But now that I’ve got my second shot and things are loosening up a bit, I thought it was time to get back out there again and have some fun. Don’t worry though I’m still wearing my mask and keeping my hands washed. We still need to be careful you know.

When my friends Eric and Angie, of Midnight Magazine, let me know that the great Sam Jones was touring comic book shops to celebrate the fortieth anniversary of the Flash Gordon movie I knew that I had to see him. I mean this was one of my favorite flicks as a kid and Flash was right up there with Luke Skywalker for me. I might be an old fat bald guy but I’m still that kid at heart and damn it I’m going to meet him!

Plans were made and I started looking around for what I wanted to get signed. I have a cool DVD release of the movie and it came with a nifty insert card so that was perfect. I also decided to get an 8x10 off of his table as well. Now that I had a plan on what I was to get autographed I needed to think about the picture. I needed a perfect shirt for this, and I found one on Amazon. It is a replica of the red and white shirt from the first encounter with Ming in his throne room. Yeah guys I was that nerdy and wore the shirt to meet the actor! I did mention that this was a big deal to me so deal with it.

I got up bright and early Saturday morning and headed off to Eric and Angie’s house. We were going to carpool over to the comic shop and get some food afterward. It was a decent morning, and the drive was fine. I arrived early and was able to sit around chatting with them about the day’s plans as well as just talking movies and comics. I miss my friends, and this has been or at least felt like a long winter. After shooting the shit for a while we piled in the car and headed off to the comic shop.

Comics, Cards, and Collectables used to be one of my frequent haunts thirty plus years ago when I was in College. Yes, in addition to being a movie nerd I also used to be a comic book nerd! I had never been to his new location, so it was interesting to see as well as a bit nostalgic being in a comic shop again. The signing took place in their backroom which is more like a warehouse. Mr. Jones hadn’t arrived yet, so I took that opportunity to browse a bit. I picked up a couple of old Starlog magazines including one of their poster books. They were in the dollar bin and were in excellent shape. Mostly I just had fun digging thru comics and magazines looking for treasures.

The guest of honor arrived, and I waited patiently for my turn. When my number was called, I brought my DVD up to his table and picked out the picture I wanted him to sign. I can honestly say that Sam Jones is one of the nicest guys that I’ve ever met. Making sure everyone who was there had their time to talk to him and he commented on everyone’s items. A lot of times at these signings the celebrity gets into an assembly line mode but not here. It was fun to hear him talk to the fans and ask them where they got their item and talk about the similar things he has seen in the past. He was engaging and charming, which made getting to meet him all the cooler. Oh, and before anyone sends me an angry message yes I’m not wearing a mask in the picture with him. We took them off before the pictures were taken and put them right back on afterwards. Safety first you know!

After getting our stuff signed and talking to the other folks at the shop we headed out for a nice lunch of Mexican food at a local place. Then Eric and Angie took me over to a new record store that not only had some cool music for sale, I picked up a couple L.A. Guns CDs… yes actual physical media, but also one of the establishments that sells Midnight Magazine. I picked up a few other goodies, hung out for a while longer talking movies, and then headed home.

All in all it was an amazing day meeting one of my childhood heroes. Here is hoping that the rest of this year gives me more opportunities to get out into the world, hang out with my friends, and do fun stuff like this. To get there we need to continue to be careful, wear your masks, get the shot, and generally think about others when you are in public. If we all keep vigilant we will get thru this and get back to normal.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Gargantua (1998)

Remember that awful Matthew Broderick Godzilla flick? Well, it was a big deal before it came out so of course someone decided to make a mockbuster for the Sci-Fi channel. Here we have Adam Baldwin horribly miscast as a marine biologist who just happens to be on a Polynesian island when an earthquake changes the underwater terrain and redirects the path of some giant lizard monsters who stroll up on the beach and start eating the locals. His son also befriends a baby which is what the big ones are looking for. Additionally, we have some local fishermen who are mad that they can’t go fishing, as well as a reporter and doctor who all interact with Baldwin’s science guy. Because you can’t have enough characters, we get another scientist on the island investigating stuff and they become science bros and take a sub down to do science. There they find pollution from old, rusted drums of pesticide that I think maybe mutated the giant lizard things because… science?

Clearly this isn’t a very good movie. The plot is clunky and familiar without bringing anything new. I’m okay with that as the familiar is nice sometimes. What did bug me was the glacial pacing. We get too many useless scenes that don’t move things along. The entire subplot of the kid, played by a very young Emile Hirsch, befriending the small monster has a very Gadzookie feel to it, but not in a fun way. This entire plot is sort of useless except as an explanation why the bigger lizard monsters follow them out into the ocean. This itself leads to an ending that really isn’t an ending. They lead the monsters back into the ocean and away from the island. Okay so what happens next? Do the many dead folks not get avenged at all? Sure, one of the monsters is dead… but damn it!

I’m a big fan of Adam Baldwin but he is totally wrong for this part. While I’m not sure he was helped by the dialogue and silly story I don’t think under the best of circumstances I could have bought him as a scientist. I’m pretty sure he was cast because people recognized him from Independence Day. He tries his best but this miscasting hurts the movie badly.

The various creatures are brought to the screen using some old school tricks including forced perspective and an awesomely bad rubber puppet. Really, I loved the creature appliance they created. It isn’t good but I have a soft spot for such things. But they do screw the pooch with some downright terrible CGI, even by made for television late nineties standards. Just about the time I was liking what they were doing they blew it with some terrible digital effect. That was frustrating.

In the end this is a harmless and not good cash in on an equally disappointing Godzilla movie. It is very cheesy and throws a lot of things at the audience, most of which don’t stick. I won’t hate on this too much because it is what it was supposed to be. Utterly forgettable and an easy way to kill ninety minutes while turning your brain off. While that isn’t a recommendation it is the best thing, I can say about Gargantua.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Cemetery of Terror (1985)

I was going to put this in my slasher movie marathon this summer, but I just couldn’t. There is a lot of the movie that is clearly in the slasher category, but this is one that switches gears partway thru. Normally that is a train wreck in the making but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work here. More on that later on, time to get to the plot synopsis.

There is a bad guy named Devlon who killed a bunch of people and got gunned down by the police. He had a doctor named Cardan, played by Hugo Stiglitz, who knows he was evil and wants to get the body cremated right away. It seems Devlon was a Satanist and that he was promised eternal life or something like that by the Devil. No one else believes him but he persists and finally forges some paperwork to make that happen. Sadly, it is too late.

A bunch of older kids, high school or maybe college, go have a party at an old house by the cemetery. There they find Devlon’s book, and the guys decide to freak the girls out by stealing a body and reading from the book/casting a spell. Guess whose body they steal? As promised Devlon comes back to life and starts killing all over again. We also see a bunch of younger kids that decide to test their bravery by walking thru the cemetery. This is a bad day to do this. Did I mention yet this all takes place on Halloween night? That adds to the spooky fun and explains why the kids want to scare the hell out of themselves. Bodies pile up, children are threatened, and believe it or not Devlon raises a cemetery full of zombies to chase after the kids. This movie is tossing a ton of shit at the audience and somehow it all sticks.

Don't read the spooky book in the cemetery!

I can’t for the life of me figure out why this movie works. Normally when horror subgenres are mashed together like this you get an unfocused and unpleasant result. Here they mix the Satanist/supernatural plot with a slasher and add in a dash of zombie movie. To top it all off the last third of the movie are a bunch of kids being menaced by all sort of bad guys Goonies style. That is a dish that should taste like crap, but it doesn’t. Why does it work here?

After the first twenty minutes establishing characters and setting up the story the pacing picks up and the movie is always showing something fun on the screen. That helps keep your mind from wandering and even noticing the tonal changes. The movie also does a decent job exceling at what it is trying to do at the time. The kills are decent, and we get some guts ripped out and a respectable body count of seven. Don’t expect explicit gore but it is respectable. So, the slasher part of the story works. The supernatural part works equally as well. They don’t try any over the top stuff, but we do have a guy shuffling around who looks like a recently dead Satanist. They don’t get too silly by dressing him in robes or shit like that, he is just creepy looking guy in normal clothes. And when they get to the zombies those are also fun. Understand these are more Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things grey faced creations rather than Day of the Dead zombies. But I dig the old school look.

Note to self... Crosses work on zombies!

The actors, including the kids, are pretty good. Even the younger kids sell being scared very well. The most recognizable name to most genre fans is Hugo Stiglitz who is also pretty good here. Though he isn’t in as much of the movie as you would think. Though in a way his character connects the story and moves the things along, so his performance is important. Plus he is basically Mexican Doctor Loomis so that is awesome. There is also a strange vibe to the proceedings. While made by a Mexican company and director with a mostly Mexican cast it was shot across the border in Brownsville Texas. It feels like an American movie only with everyone speaking Spanish. I kind of liked that and think it gives Cemetery of Terror a unique feel.

Bottom line is this is a great flick. If you like eighties horror and are looking for something different that you haven’t seen before I bet that this will scratch that itch. I’m such a fan that I’m going to start looking for other movies made by this director, Ruben Galindo Jr. If this isn’t a one off from him then I might have stumbled onto a new favorite. I highly recommend Cemetery of Terror.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer