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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Trippin' down memory lane

So over the years that I've been writing about movies I've had the chance to write for a couple of fanzines as well as websites and a magazine. Several years back I was asked to write up something different for a fanzine that is distributed in and around North East Ohio. At the time I was asked I had just read one of Joe Bob Briggs books and wanted to try my hand at that sort of thing. Now just let me be clear the characters of Earl "Buck" Weaver and Skeeter are actually based on some people who I grew up with. So I'm not making fun of anyone! Enjoy my one and only effort at Drive-in Mammories.

Drive-in Mammories

Part fiction, part review, and a total rip-off of the much superior Joe Bob Briggs

Written by Earl “Buck” Weaver

Howdy my name is Earl “Buck” Weaver and I’m a proud American Patriot!  Not sure what that has to do with movies and movie watching but I always like to put that out on the table first thing.  This here is going to be a way for me to educate and share some of the best memories that I’ve had in my long life of watch picture shows at the local drive-in.  These stories are pulled from my memory and might be just a bit exaggerated.  But like my old grand pappy used to say, “If it looks like duck crap, smells like duck crap, and tastes like duck crap it is probably duck crap Jimmy my boy.”  Sure my name isn’t Jimmy, but the man had some wisdom to share.

Okay I should get back to my story.  Way back in the ‘80s my cousin Skeeter and I decided to check out a movie called Without Warning.  Wait I guess I should say something about Skeeter before I go any further with this story.  Skeeter ain’t his given name, but it should be.  I suppose his parents had hope that his skinny head and giant nose would go away as he got older.  Well it didn’t so when you look at him now he looks like a giant skeeter coming in for a snack.  Now that isn’t to say that he is a bad guy, because he ain’t.  That boy would pull half the chewing tobacco out of his mouth and share it with you if you asked them.  Though you probably wouldn’t want to.  Most people don’t like Skeeter, but I do.  Next to him I’m a catch and I’ve used that a lot with the ladies.  You know the lesser of two evils. 

Alright now I’m going to get back to the story.  So Skeeter and I head down to the drive-in to watch Without Warning.  Lucky for us we didn’t have to get there very early since they were showing some silly romance or comedy first.  I’ve always thought it was mighty nice of the drive-in to show the bad movie first so you had plenty of time to get there before the good stuff started.  I can’t exactly remember what it was but since I didn’t have a lady friend going with me it was a waste of time.  That is the only reason I’d ever watch one of these, and to be honest I’m trying to not watch it as I had something else on my mind.  Plus there was a sale on PBR down at the Shop-n-Save so I had other priorities that night.  Might not remember what was playing but I never forget discount beer.

Cowboy Curly be lookin' for his gold!
Where was I again?  Oh yeah the movie Without Warning.  So Cameron Mitchell takes his son, who is a bit of a hippie if you ask me, on a hunting trip.  When all of a sudden these rubber Frisbee things fly out of nowhere and stick to him.  And well that is all we get from him.  Then the action switches to that guy from the TV who takes his glasses off real slow like.  He and some friends head out for some fun in the woods.  Sure enough you know they just got to run into some of those rubber Frisbee things.  Before they get to the Frisbees they run into some friendly locals.  They seem like nice guys and sure as hell know how to decorate!  They are some great actors in this part.  You have tall Bela Lugosi and that cowboy Curly or something like that.  They try to warn them about the woods, but kids in those days just didn’t listen.  If they had only listened to their elders those kids would have been okay. 

You can't tell how cool I am without my shades
About this time we see a troop of boy scouts walking into the woods where the flying rubber Frisbees are zipping around.  Now why anyone would let there children go into the woods without Forrest Tucker I can’t say.  But all the kids have to follow is that stork feller, so you know it might not end well for them.  I did learn that you should stay away from rattlesnakes because they carry germs.  Not sure what kind they have, but who wants to get sick?

Some of the kids disappear and the other two find them stacked up like cordwood.  It is about this time that the rubber Frisbees show up and attack them.  Of course you was probably wondering what was tossing those things around, and sure enough eventually an alien shows up.  It chases the kids around for a bit until Curly shows up to save the day.  Well I guess he sort of saves the day if you consider the fact that most everyone dies.  Still I’d have to say that it was a pretty damn fine movie and I had enjoyed myself when it ended.  Though both Skeeter and me were both disappointed that we didn’t get to see any neeked ladies in this one.  Horror movies are normally always good for something like that. 

It is about this time that things begin to get a little fuzzy for me.  I mean like I said the movie was pretty good, but I had snuck in a couple of six packs of PBR and by now most of them were empties.  And before you think I’m a bad person I had a ride home.  These days they call them designated drivers, but I just called him Skeeter.  In addition to looking a bit sketchy Skeeter didn’t like the taste of beer.  This is another reason that I always kept him around.  That is about all I can remember about that night.  I don't have anything else to say so I’ll be heading out now.  Check in next time for another trip to Drive in Mammories. 

                                                    © Copyright 2017 John Shatzer

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