Badass Monster Killer (2015)

Jimmy Chevelle is the monster killer mentioned in the title. He rolls around Camaroville killing all sorts of Lovecraftian horrors while scoring with the ladies. It’s okay though because he works for the Department of Supernatural Security which gives him his badge and gun! Thru a series of flashbacks, we see that his former partner was murdered by a cult lead by the most evil of dudes the Reverend Dellamorte. Their latest plan is to summon the bride of Cthulhu while cornering the weed market so they can distribute a special blend that will encourage the citizens of Camaroville to join their cause. Jimmy and his various lovely sidekicks must stop the bride and save the day. Even if he gets kicked off the force.

There is a lot to like about Badass Monster Killer and a lot that goes sideways. The good stuff is that they totally nail the dialogue and characters. This is a blend of Blaxploitation and Mythos monsters done on a budget. There is a groovy vibe, and it is a bit repetitive but silly fun to watch Jimmy dropping the same pickup line on different ladies before killing the bad guys and taking them back to his pad for some grown up time. This isn’t being played seriously but for laughs and honestly it works well. I liked the cast, and the actors have some chemistry with one another. Plus, it is clear that they are having fun, which is a must for a flick like this. We also get many pretty women in skimpy outfits as well as some topless ladies in the few scenes set in strip clubs. Hey, the bad guys even have topless dancers, which really is a must have for any secret lair in my humble opinion.

I was shocked at how the various Mythos creatures are accurately named and the job that the filmmakers did to bring them to the screen. Who the hell knows what a Shoggoth looks like, other then a Lovecraft nerd like myself that is. They did a decent job with the creature design and by God it is latex and rubber. We also get a spine ripped out, a fun looking bride of Cthulhu complete with he “squid chin”, and some cool body melts as the “acid titties” take their toll. There are a few shots with puppets and some miniature work that I thought was a lot of fun. I dig it when a movie tries to give me some old school effects.

Sadly, there is also a lot of badly done CGI here as well. Giant monsters stomping around, heads popping off, and many kills are cringeworthy. I get the lack of budget and can forgive the above but then they double down. Most of the movie is shot on a green screen with a comic bookish looking city scape behind them. Hell, most of the movie was likely show with a green screen and a few bits of furniture used to dress the different “sets” which are again just green screen and not actual locations. This feels like a flick that was shot completely in a warehouse. I can forgive some bad effects work but at least have some sort of gritty locations to shoot scenes in. The damn movie is almost completely set in a sketchy strip club/cultists hideout and in an alley. Would that have been too terribly difficult?

Too much greenscreen for me

The other thing that sort of bugged me was the length of the movie. This is a fun gimmick, but it will wear out its welcome sooner rather than later. This flick clocks in at a surprising hour and thirty-six minutes! Why? There are a few characters that could have been deleted and jokes that didn’t need to be revisited. For example, the dumb investigators that keep popping up only to get their noggins ripped off aren’t necessary. Same goes for his inspector who brings nothing to the story. One of the things that I notice with a lot of low budget filmmakers is that they either edit the movie themselves or hire someone as equally invested in everything they shot. You could have told this story with a lot tighter runtime, which would have helped immensely. Cut fifteen minutes and this is a way more fun experience.

Now I didn’t hate Badass Monster Killer. It was a fun mashup that treats both the subgenres (Blaxploitation and Lovecraftian Mythos) with respect. But perhaps they were a bit too ambitious with their available resources and needed an editor to cut things down. Still, I’ve seen much worse and think that there enough going for it to check out the movie.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Samaritan (2022)

I’m not going to lie. When I saw this show up on previews for what was coming to Amazon Prime it got me excited. Of all the action stars from the eighties Stallone has aged the best, or at least still manages to pull off the roles. The dude is in his seventies and still plays a believable badass. That is saying something. Given that he was going to try his hand at a superhero story… well let’s just say I was looking forward to this far more than anything Marvel has been teasing.

Stallone portrays Joe, a garbage man with a secret. Living in a city under siege by a gang led by Cyrus he tries to keep his head down. Cyrus was inspired by a supervillain named Nemesis to create chaos and to take down the government and financial powers that be. The aforementioned supervillain died in a climatic fight with Samaritan, the city’s hero, who also disappeared and was presumed dead. That said many, including a kid named Sam, believe that Samaritan survived and has been hiding. After being saved by Joe and seeing what he can do Sam confronts him and they become friends. Events lead Cyrus to find out that Samaritan is alive, and he decides to use Sam as leverage to finish what his hero Nemesis started. He will bring down the city and kill the hero.

Being that this is such a new movie and one that I think is worth checking out I’m going to be very careful about what I spoil here in the review. I will let you know that there is one big twist that I saw right away. But it didn’t take away from how much fun I had with the movie. I was impressed with the pacing and while we have all seen this sort of story before there is enough action that things never get old. Basically, they keep the interesting stuff coming so you don’t get a chance to overthink what you are watching. The villain, Cyrus, is played decently enough to be memorable, though his henchmen are generic. Stallone does a solid job bringing Joe to the screen. The guy has gotten the “I’m old and tired” reluctant hero down to a science and does that again here. No one does that sort of grizzled old guy character better then him.

The fights are so well done... loved them!

The action sequences are choreographed well and unlike some other superhero flicks Samaritan’s fights feel far more realistic than I would have thought possible. When Joe gets mad, he starts snapping necks and killing the baddies without mercy. This leads to some great bits with a flipped car, some hammer action, and the best shrugging off of bullets that I’ve seen on screen. My personal favorite was him doing away with one of the henchmen by jamming a grenade into his chest and walking away. This also reminded me that he, Stallone, has some decent one liners that made me laugh.

I understand that Samaritan might not be everyone’s cup of tea. As a big fan of Stallone, I’m likely giving the movie a pass on some stuff. For example, the final showdown between Joe and Cyrus falls a bit flat. We get a lot of build up without a lot of payoff. The ending also is a bit confusing as they try and jam a “you have to make the difference” message/lesson as the final takeaway. I don’t think that is setup and would have liked to see it more pronounced throughout the rest of the story. In the end while not a perfect movie I still think that Samaritan is worth a look and can be a good time. 

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Wonder Women (1973)

It has been a while since I got my drive-in movie mojo going here at the site, so I thought since I’m taking a break from my most recent marathon I’d get back to the good stuff. This flick starts off with some topless ladies swimming and then doing karate. This feeds into a montage of them kidnapping world class athletes and smuggling them to an island where the dreaded Dr. Tsu uses them as spare parts to fix what ails her wealthy clients. Need a set of eyes or maybe some new legs… she has what you need… for a price!

One of her most recent acquisitions is a Jai Lai player who is insured by Lloyds of London for a cool half a million. The company brings our hero Mike in on the recovery, and he starts to unravel what is going on. This is with the help of his side kick Lapu-Lapu, played by Vic Diaz. When the local mob run by Won Ton Charlie fails to kill him on Tsu’s orders, she sends one of her lady assassins after him. But old Mike is way too sexy for her and eventually she leads him to the hidden island where there is a big showdown. Much Kung-Fu is done, bullets are shot, and the requisite basement of freaks is released to go on a killing rampage. That is about all one could ask from a movie shot in the Philippines.

Let me preface my review with the following. This is not a great movie. The actions sequences are silly, the acting is a bit wooden, and the story is goofy. Objectively there is no reason that I should have loved this as much as I did. But I love these shot in the Philippines flicks so much. They have a certain charm where the filmmakers just go for it, regardless of if they have the budget or a cohesive story to tell. Here the story is straightforward and simple in that sort of men’s magazine two fisted adventure style. The ladies are lovely, bed the fellas, and can’t resist their utter manliness leading to them betraying their bosses. Totally cheesy in that awesome drive-in “B” movie fashion that puts a smile on my face. There is always something interesting on screen and I was never bored by it.

Vic Diaz! This guy was awesome.

The cast has a lot of familiar faces that worked in the Philippines. I’ve already mentioned Vic Diaz, who was a legend and appeared is so many great movies. Here he has a decent part and gets to play second fiddle to our hero. Mike is played by Ross Hagen, who did quite a few flicks overseas and was a solid actor in “B” movies. Nancy Kwan is great as the deadly Dr. Tsu. I also recognize at least one of the lady assassins from the Women in Prison flicks made around the same time. Though my favorite is an unexpected appearance by the legendary Sid Haig as Gregorious, Dr. Tsu’s business partner, That dude can pull a ruffled shirt off like no other.

We also get some generic monsters that sort of play a part in the end, as well as some spare organs floating in jars. But this isn’t one of those that is going to lean heavily into the horrific aspects of things. Again, it is more about the action sequences, including a car chase where lots of crazy shit happens, including a great stunt with a guy getting hit by one of the cars. Only this wasn’t a stunt as they didn’t close or control the streets as they were shooting. The folks running away from the taxis weren’t acting and neither was the guy who got hit by the car! Now that is guerilla filmmaking.

I had a blast with Wonder Women and highly recommend anyone that is into these actors or the drive-in movies of the seventies to track themselves down a copy. I guarantee you will have fun with it.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

The Cape Canaveral Monsters (1960)

I pride myself on having watched most of the horrible movies put out in the fifties and early sixties, but The Cape Canaveral Monsters eluded me. Hell, I never even knew it existed until my friend Pete was talking about it. He hooked me up with a copy and of course I dove in at the first opportunity.

There are aliens trying to sabotage the U.S. space program by shooting at the rockets with a special ray gun. They can’t survivor or at least interact with our world, so they inhabit the dead bodies of a couple they killed in a car accident. We also find out that they freeze humans to transport back to their home world for study, but that process is difficult, and many are destroyed by the process. Sounds good so far… right? Well don’t get your hopes up.

Sally is the niece of the German scientist that is running the rocket program and she has eyes for a mathematician named Tom. But Herr scientist doesn’t like the idea of his niece dating someone working on the project, so the pair sneak off with another couple, Bob and Shirley. They run into the aliens, one of whom has an arm that won’t stay on his stolen body. This is important later. Some science stuff happens, then some alien stuff. Eventually Bob is used for spare parts (the arm) and Sally is frozen for transport. Tom and Sally also get caught but are rescued by the army and then some stuff happens with explosives and the world is saved.

This movie is only an hour long and it was a slog to get thru. The story is paper thin, and I never understood the shifting motivations of our invading aliens. They act like it is a big deal for them to travel, but then just pop home for a consultation. They are super smart, but don’t understand that the radium on our watch faces (used to be a thing) is the super precious material that they use to unlock and turn stuff on and off. How am I supposed to be scared of aliens that don’t even do the tiniest amount of prep work? The humans aren’t much smarter as our characters keep walking into traps and do the dumbest things. If they had a script here it wasn’t thought out at all.

Action packed Alien invasion

The pacing also is terrible. The movie is filled with stock footage of rockets and guard shacks because why spend money to shoot anything when you can get it for free. When we do get new footage a great deal of it are various characters walking around here and there aimlessly. But I’d rather watch that then the cast try to stumble thru their dialogue. Are you beginning to catch onto how bad that this one is?

I will give the movie some credit for a couple of gags with the severed arm. They have the actor tuck it behind him while another hidden actor sticks his arm out of a window. This as well as a couple other tricks worked decently enough to get my attention. Sadly, it is lost in an otherwise mess of a movie.

Probably no surprise here but I’m not recommend you spend your time or money on The Cape Canaveral Monsters. This may be the worst of the fifties science fiction movies that I’ve sat thru and trust me there have been some real turkeys.

 

Ó Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955)

This movie finds us watching the crew of an American nuclear submarine on maneuvers in the Pacific. The sonarman lets them know that something is shadowing them and then accelerates to intercept the sub. They are grabbed and stuck fast no matter how much they push the engines. Rocking back and forth they finally get free but when they look, they notice something odd stuck to the hull. Something biological!

One of our three main characters is the sub commander Pete. When he goes to see what the scientists think we meet the other two. Dr. Carter and the lovely professor Lesley Joyce. Hint… she is the love interest! The three of them get swept up in trying to convince the military that a huge octopus is out there wrecking ships and killing folks. Then after it has become obvious it is up to them to sort out how to stop it before it wrecks San Francisco. Yeah, this is the movie where the giant octopus destroys the Golden Gate Bridge. Who wins and who dies? Let’s just say there is a special on calamari for the foreseeable future.

This is one of those monster movies that I grew up watching as a kid. It was on heavy rotation with our local horror hosted programs, and I always dug it. The story is very simple but delivers the goods with enough creature mayhem to keep me occupied. The cast is filled with decent actors, and I have to say that the beautiful Faith Domergue, playing Lesley, was certainly interesting to an adolescent me as well. Kenneth Tobey as the sub commander Pete was also the first time that I noticed an actor in more than one role. He also starred in one of my favorites, The Thing from Another World.

The highlight of It Came from Beneath the Sea then and now is the monster. This is brought to the screen with a combination of rear projection and stop motion animation. These old school special effects always make me smile, especially when they are done well. Considering that the legendary Ray Harryhausen was responsible for the monster and the models it crushed it is no wonder that I loved this one so much. If you are looking for a fun creature feature, you could do a lot worse than this.

So far I’ve mostly talked about what I loved about the movie as a kid growing up. While I still dig it, I must be honest and admit that this time around I noticed how much stock footage was used. We get lots of jets, navy ships, and various ordinance expended in pursuit of the creature thanks to grainy footage of the real thing. Most of this is narrated which only goes to make it even more obvious. I was surprised to hear that It Came from Beneath the Sea was a lower budget movie, but that does explain a lot. Rumor is that the octopus in this movie only had six tentacles to save money. It didn’t ruin things, but it also bumps it down a bit from the other classic Harryhausen flicks that are out there.

This movie is well worth checking out. If for nothing else than the iconic attack on the Golden Gate bridge. Whenever you see a documentary discussing the fifties and sci-fi movies that is always in the mix. Might as well check out where it came from.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

Carnival of Blood (1970)

I stumbled over this disjointed mess of a movie recently. Since it “stars” Burt Young from the Rocky movies under a different name I thought I’d check it out. Who wouldn’t be fascinated by a movie that even Burt Young doesn’t want anyone to know that he did?

The story is about a killer picking his victims out from the crowds at Coney Island. They are always ladies and, in most cases, very annoying ones. That is why the movie opens with a couple arguing while they visit at night. The woman’s name is Claire, but before we see anything happen the action then moves to a couple sitting in front of their apartment building. This is Dan, who is a new assistant District Attorney and his lady Laura. It is also daytime so did nothing happen to the earlier couple? After proposing and some sexy times… not very actually… we go back to Claire and her boyfriend again at night. What the hell movie?

Stuff happens, Claire is unbearable, and then she gets her head cut off in the funhouse. Later we see Dan and Laura arguing because he wants to get picked for the big murder case and decides to take her to Coney Island to investigate. More annoying ladies play a dart game run by Dan and Laura’s upstairs neighbor Tom. There is also a palm reader that can apparently see when the ladies are going to be murdered and tries to get them to go home. And Burt Young plays Gimpy the disfigured hunchbacked red herring. Yeah, it was Tom all along.

Carnival of Blood was a miserable experience. The narrative is choppy as it never stays with the main characters long enough to build any momentum or hold my attention. It keeps pulling away to show us the next random annoying lady that is to be killed. And holy crap are these characters annoying. Nasally voices screeching in that God Awful New York accent had me rooting for the killer from the very start. I’m sure that we are supposed to be rooting for or at least concerned for Laura, but she is as annoying. Then again, her fiancé Dan is a bit of a dick as well. God help us but Gimpy is probably the only sympathetic character in the movie!

The movie was shot by a prolific porn director named Leonard Kirtman which explains a lot. Most of the dialogue seems improvised, the movie is mostly shot with a handheld camera, the lighting isn’t great, and as stated above characters float in and out. All of this is standard fare for the, at the time, adult movie business. It doesn’t surprise me that when he made a straight film like this that it had many of the hallmarks of the flicks he was already making. Those movies worked because no one cared about character and dialogue but here that is all we have. It just doesn’t work and makes for a long and boring viewing experience.

There are only four kills, but they are ambitious for a no budget early seventies movie. There is the beheading and a couple stabs to the gut, one with some intestine pulling. Though my favorite was an eye gouging that while it looks silly was still a neat gag. We also get a weird twist at the end where our killer was supposedly disfigured in a fire when he was a kid so when he dies there is a terrible effect with him wearing fake skin.

This isn’t worth spending time or money on. Even the neat scenes shot at Coney Island (obvious gorilla filmmaking) capturing that special moment in time aren’t worth the ninety minutes you have to grind out on this turkey.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer

The Dismembered (1962)

I’m a sucker for regional filmmakers and their product. When I heard that The Dismembered was released for a short theatrical run and then disappeared for fifty-five years until being released on DVD I was intrigued. It was either going to be a lost gem or a dumpster fire. So, what was it? Time to take a look.

Our main characters are some safe crackers robbing a wealthy house while the maid is tied up and gagged. They are posing as ambulance drivers, which is how they make their escape with a police escort no less! Eventually after ditching their ride they make it to an isolated house to lay low until the heat is off. Unfortunately for them the house is haunted by some elderly, quirky, and homicidal ghosts. There is also another ghost who is attached to a locket they stole, which further complicates things. After a committee meeting the ghosts decide to kill them all. But before they can finish them all off the spirits from the nearby cemetery invade the house in the form of arms, hands, and feet. This one gets weird before wrapping up.

There was something about The Dismembered when I was watching it that bugged me. It was played as a comedy with some weirdly dark twists. People are silly and then murderous, all while a jazzy soundtrack plays in the background. Then it hit me all of a sudden. This is a low rent take on the Corman movies A Bucket of Blood and Little Shop of Horrors. Not so much in that the story is similar but more that the spirit and I suppose “feel” matches up. Sadly, while those movies are a couple of favorites this one misses the mark.

Comedy folks... comedy!

The pacing is off with bursts of maniacal energy followed by slow talky parts. This makes for what feels like a very long movie that in reality barely makes it to an hour runtime. The living characters aren’t terribly interesting and sort of blend together. The ghosts, who I think were supposed to be the focus, have no background or history. They just sort of are to be wacky and incompetent. They never explain why the neighbors aka. the rubber body parts attack the house. This if further complicated by the girl ghost who seems to be there to be pretty and then disappear when not needed.

Honestly, I don’t think that they had much of a script and were winging it. What sealed the deal for me is when we got an extended slapstick gag with the ghosts running around doing “battle” with the invaders. The ending also left a lot to be desired as after sticking thru this we don’t really find out what happens to the survivor. At least not on screen, it is only hinted at.

The ghosts... spooky aren't they?

The sound is terrible with loud and intrusive music that is that generic sounding late fifties beatnik jazz. This is done in some scenes to cover the fact that they didn’t record audio. Here is a pro tip when watching old movies. If the cast always has their back to you when delivering lines that was because they dubbed it all in later. With the lack of ambient noise and the obnoxious music that was clearly the case here. I had hoped that it would get better, but even when they were recording audio the music is annoying and the audio isn’t great. The folks making this movie clearly didn’t have the gear or skills to do it correctly.

I could go on about the terrible acting, poor dialogue (again it feels improvised as if they didn’t have a fleshed-out script), and awful lighting. But haven’t I made my point yet? There is a reason that The Dismembered spent more than fifty years on a shelf. Maybe it should have stayed there. I can’t recommend this one.

 

© Copyright 2022 John Shatzer