Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

Here we are at the fourth installment of the Witchcraft franchise. This time around we see that William is still a lawyer, but now isn’t defending people but instead I think is doing tax law. All that changes when a woman stops by begging him to defend her brother. When the movie opened, we saw a boy and his girl making out in the woods. Stuff happens and she gets kidnapped. The cops think that he killed her, the body shows up later, but we know it wasn’t him. Later we find out that the hoods who killed her work for a local radio DJ and talent agent who also happens to be an evil warlock. He claims that he and William are the last of their kind… but there are twelve more movies to go so I’d have to say he was wrong.

Along the way to the final showdown with the bad guy William meets and gets very friendly with one of the evil warlock’s clients named Belladonna. She is a stripper and blues singer played by the late great Julie Strain. It was nice to see her on the screen again as it had been years since I watched one of her flicks. Sadly, that is the last thing I’m going to say nice about The Virgin Heart. The warlocks have a big showdown, which again consists of several shots to the groin until William rips out his heart.

So far, I have held out hope that one of these movies would be worth my time. Each one seems to have a different director and writer combination so you would think that they could accidentally stumble over a decent script. If that is destined to happen then it will have to wait because this isn’t that movie. The story is filled with padding starting from the first scene. There is this long-drawn-out opening showing us the girl being kidnapped and killed, though offscreen so no fun gore there. That serves to setup why William gets involved but these characters are useless after that and I wonder why they spent so much time on it. There is another bit with that boy’s sister where she is sort of setup as his love interest but then he is also pursuing Belladonna. Spoiler the sister has very little screen time but does help explain the ending sort of. In the end this seems like a waste of time.

This movie also has the typical padding of people walking, talking on the phone, lighting cigarettes and other such thrilling things. This is what you get when you don’t have scenes and dialogue prepared to move the plot along. The movie is like watching paint dry and that isn’t fun either. This is all despite them trying to create some sort of film noir hard-boiled detective vibe including random voiceovers where William is talking directly to the audience. Cool idea but inept execution. None of it worked for me.

The late great Julie Strain

The soundtrack is also changed up, but still not good. We get some blues mixed in with generic rock music, remember that the bad warlock this time is a DJ, and some of the same mediocre synth cues. The performances are also as wooden or at least I think they are. The audio is so poorly done that I couldn’t hear long stretches of the dialogue so I couldn’t tell what they are saying. This had to be from when they were shooting on set because you have two actors sitting across from one another with one being crystal clear and the other sounding muffled as if they were under a few blankets. Honestly if you don’t have the skill to properly record the sound on set or the budget to do some dubbing in post then you shouldn’t make a movie!

I have more complaints. The kills are lame, like before. There are just a couple and it all happens off screen. You would think that the hearts getting ripped out would be cool, but it isn’t. Now this might seem to be petty, but I also was annoyed that the title didn’t apply. When we had The Temptress there was a temptress. Deadly Kiss had a warlock killing ladies with a kiss. There is no damn mention of the heart being a virgin heart in this movie. I had one expectation for this franchise after three movies and they couldn’t even get that done properly.

I doubt that this comes as a surprise but I’m not recommending Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart. It’s terrible. But I’m going to keep the hope alive that there will be a good one in the remaining twelve. So, with that in mind…

Nextup Witchcraft V: Dance with the Devil

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death (1991)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

The third entry has us watching William, still played by Charles Solomon Jr., who is now a lawyer. He is defending a young man named Ruben on a murder charge. An ambitious prosecutor is using the high-profile case to get a promotion so there is some conflict between the two. We also meet an evil warlock named Louis who likes to kiss women and kill them so he can then kiss his girlfriend and get her high. At least that is what I think is going on. 

William and Louis bump into each other and become friends. I thought that it was because Louis knew that William was another warlock, but later on it is hinted at that he had no idea who he was. I guess it was just random. We also meet Reverend Jondular thru Ruben and he becomes a spiritual advisor and mentor to William. At least until he dies off screen and leaves William his sweet magic cane. Louis wants William’s girlfriend, so they fight and by fight, I mean kick each other in the nuts until Louis gets beat down with the magic cane. End of the movie. 

Witchcraft III is a mess. While I again appreciate the effort to continue the story from the earlier two movies there isn’t enough material here for a feature. Louis is bad and wants William’s girlfriend. That is basically the entire movie. You would think that the writers would try and explain Louis’ power and why he kills ladies and what he is taking from them with his warlock kiss, but no. The only explanation we get is that he is bad. Instead of plot, we get “exciting” scenes of people driving, walking, checking for change to buy a paper, drinking in a bar, and other such goodies. God forbid you spend anytime developing the characters. 

Speaking of characters, I don’t know if it is the inferior script but somehow Charles Solomon Jr. gives a worse performance here than the movie before. Dude this is your second bite at this apple, and you should be getting better, not worse at it. His line delivery is wooden and any attempt at emotions are just bad. Not the Room bad, but close. The rest of the cast isn’t much better and stumbles over their lines at times. 

Remember the warlocks kiss I was talking about earlier. Well, most of the kills in this movie have Louis kissing a lady after his eyes go yellow, think Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, and we get a puff of smoke. Then that is it. I’m not kidding that is how the kills in this movie play out. I guess it makes sense with the Kiss of Death in the title but damn it. What is really strange is how much this movie likes to show closeups of people kissing. Every sex scene, and there are quite a few, focus on people slobbering all over each other. This movie really takes the kissing part of the title seriously. At the end the girlfriend is saved by a… you guessed it a kiss!

I’m afraid that I’ve figured out the Witchcraft formula. They have dumped the gore and attempts at a coherent story line for bad nineties saxophone music, neon, and nudity. I really hope that isn’t the case but that is the vibe I’m getting. If it isn’t obvious, I’m suggesting you pass on this one as well. 

Next up Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft II: The Temptress (1989)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery.

Okay I get it now. If this movie is any indication of what I’m in for I can see why this franchise has such an awful reputation. This time around we meet William who is about to graduate high school despite looking like he is pushing thirty, which the actor was. He has a girlfriend named Michelle who won’t let him do naughty stuff with her. That is good for the witch because she needs to bang him first so that their kid can rule the world. Oh, and the witch next door is actually the one from the first movie who we see for a hot second before she morphs into the sexy blonde lady. I guess they can do that now. Plus I think that was his mom, or maybe not biological just spiritual mom… it all just seems gross.

Speaking of the first movie they rewrite the ending here with a bit of dialogue and have it that his mom, Grace, killed John and Elizabeth instead of the butler. Which by the way if you have read my review you should know that is how it went down. Again, you really should do that before continuing. After doing away with one of his friends and adoptive parents she tries to… I guess turn him to the dark side maybe. She keeps telling him to embrace his anger and stuff so yeah. It doesn’t work and we see him with his girlfriend for a happy ending. I mean his adoptive parents are dead but no biggie.

Let me start by saying something nice about Witchcraft II. I appreciate that they tried to connect the two movies. It annoyed me that they rewrote the ending when I think it wasn’t necessary. They could have just done the old Halloween trick and had his mom die in a car accident offscreen. But no, they had to change the ending. Okay I guess that is the way it goes. At least they gave it a shot.

With that out of the way let us dig into it. This movie has the same sort of pacing issues as the first, only here it is much worse. The padding is far more obvious with many scenes following the characters long after any dialogue necessary to advance the plot has been uttered. We also get an extended bit with the witch rolling around on what I think are black silk sheets like a bad Madonna video as she moans William’s name. Speaking of dialogue, it is stilted which makes the mediocre acting all that more noticeable.

If the above isn’t enough to make you pass on this one how about the nerdy girl who is clearly hot but wears glasses trope? Yeah, we get that here. And then they double down with her having vital information that she inexplicably refuses to give him over the phone. And yes, she is so dead! This isn’t the most original movie if you haven’t figured that out yet. The music has changed from the eighty’s synth music from the previous flick to a generic rock song and then back to synth music. All of it forgettable.

There are a measly four kills, well I guess five if you count the witch. All of them are uninspired and beyond tame. We get to see a neck snapped which was lamely shot. Another person gets tossed out a window, body on the ground with a trickle of blood. Yet another trickle of blood when someone bangs their head and dies. At least the first movie gave me something bloody to sink my gore hound teeth into. This one not so much. 

I have the sinking feeling that this isn’t going to be getting better from here on out. But fear not I’ll keep at it and finish all sixteen of these. I’m doing this so you don’t have to. Obviously, I don’t recommend Witchcraft II: The Temptress.

 

Next up Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Witchcraft (1988)

The promised Witchcraft review marathon that no one asked for is here. The movie kicks off with a young woman named Grace giving birth while we also see a couple from the sixteen hundreds pulled out of bed and burned at the stake. I wonder if these two plot-lines separated by three hundred years will somehow connect? Maybe…

Grace’s husband John takes her to live with his mother, Elizabeth. He insists that it is only for a week while she gets on her feet. Though things start to get weird almost as soon as she arrives. John becomes distant and his mother becomes very protective of the baby. There is also a creepy mute butler named Ellsworth and Grace’s friend Linda. When Grace invites her priest to bless the baby it doesn’t go well at all. He pukes and eventually hangs himself in front of her. 

What the heck is going on? Well spoilers are coming so be warned. John and Elizabeth are the returned spirits of the couple we saw burned at the stake. They have returned and are here to claim Grace’s baby as their own. It seems that she was pregnant when they were torched. At some point they get very homicidal and start killing people, though I don’t know why they waited. But when they get rolling things do get bloody. This all leads to a final conflict where an unlikely hero saves the day. Yeah, it is totally the creepy mute butler. 

This isn’t a great movie, but it also isn’t awful. It falls in that dreaded category of boring and mediocre. The story is derivative, which is a nice way of saying rips off, Rosemary’s Baby. Seriously you even have the random old people eating in closeup while talking about the child. Now they aren’t part of the plan, but I’ve seen that scene before. Sadly this cast, while giving it their all, isn’t nearly as talented. I wasn’t interested in their performances or characters at all. Since almost the entire movie takes place inside the house that makes for a very slow pace that had me looking at my watch more than once. 

This is also a strange flick to watch. At times the camera moves around and is interesting. I notice that sort of thing, especially when nothing else is happening of note. Then at other times it is set in one spot and we just get quick cuts and closeups as characters speak. It feels like there were two different cinematographers shooting this thing! Lighting is also an issue. Despite being shot in 35mm it looks cheap. I’m not sure if they meant to suck all of the color out of the interior sequences but they did. The musical cues were cool at first but then get used way too much as things progress. After a while I was annoyed by the synth soundtrack that kept hammering away. It also kills any tension that Witchcraft might have built up. 

After the burning at the stake early on it takes a while for us to get any kills. We do end up with a respectable seven deaths with a couple of highlights. There is a nifty stabbing with the blade exiting the mouth and a beheading that looks nice. There is also a decent melting down of one of the witches. Though the best gag is the boil covered priest hanging himself. Overall the kills on what is clearly a low budget were the highlight of Witchcraft. 

I’ve seen much worse… so much worse. Either this franchise has gotten a bad rap or I’m in for some miserable movies. While I don’t recommend this movie I can’t totally dismiss it either. 

Next up Witchcraft II: The Temptress

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

Featured Post - Witchcraft Marathon

I watch a lot of movies but I somehow missed out on a few franchises. Most of them started or have the majority of their sequels released in a post '80s world. Also many of them are ripped to pieces by the fans, which begs to ask "Who the hell is buying/renting these?" No matter how low the budgets are if you make a movie no one watches then it will eventually stop due to lack of paying customers. So that means someone out there is a fan of the Camp Blood movies. Let that sink in...

Speaking of the Camp Blood movies I recently checked them out. You can start with the first one here to see what my thoughts are on that franchise. I figured the best way to get a sense of the series was to watch them as quickly as possible. I powered thru all thirteen in less than a week. Posting a review each day while I was doing it. It was not a pleasant experience. But I noticed that a lot of people seemed to like it and more importantly I made some new friends who were commiserating with me as to how bad some of them were. So in a weird way I ended up having fun. I love chatting horror flicks with new people and that unintended side effect has encouraged me to do this again. 

Now that I've explained myself I want to let you all know that I'm about to embark on yet another franchise review. I'm going to watch all sixteen Witchcraft movies one after the other until I'm either done or dead! I will have full reviews coming later but before that I'll keep this page updated with my progress. It all starts this weekend so wish me luck!

Witchcraft (1988) - Watched 4/2/21. I suppose this first movie sets the tone for the series. We have a young woman named Grace giving birth and bring brought by her husband to stay with his mother. That isn't creepy at all. Not a great movie but okay. I've seen much worse. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft II: The Temptress (1989) - Watched 4/2/21. I was having some positive vibes from the first flick. The franchise has such a terrible reputation that I thought maybe it was exaggerated. It wasn't... Witchcraft II is a mess. The pacing is terrible and at times it feels like a bad '80s video. Think Madonna only dumber. I may be in trouble. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death (1991) - Watched 4/3/21. Well we got William back, played by the same actor. I give the filmmakers credit for trying to keep it consistent and create a story arch across the movies. That said the special effects are basically non existent, along with a coherent plot or acting. Instead we get bad nineties saxophone music and nudity. Will that be the formula the rest will follow? Let us hope not. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft IV: Virgin Heart (1992) - Watched 4/3/21. The first three movies at least had titles that made sense. I didn't see or hear any dialogue that made me understand the whole virgin heart thing. Instead this is an attempt at making a film noir/hardboiled detective story. Sadly they, the filmmakers, are so inept it is laughable. The only highlight is Julie Strain who was by far the best actor or actress in the movie. That isn't enough to save this turkey. On to the next entry. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft V: Dance with the Devil (1993) - Watched 4/5/21. This movie gives us a new actor playing William who is still a lawyer and has yet another new girlfriend. Here we see him dealing with a demon or maybe the a bill collector for the Devil named Cain. Stuff happens and William walks away. Here is where I think the series really doubles down on the Skinemax nudity and naughty stuff. Not a good movie but at least the actor who plays Cain chews the scenery up. At this point I'll take what I can get. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft VI (1994) - Watched 4/7/21. Well we get another actor checking in as William and this movie introduces some cops as comedy relief. Other than that the same story is repeated. New bad guy rolls into town, this time another evil warlock that wants to summon Satan... again. Stuff happens including even more naughty bits as they lean even more into that rather than story and characters. Another less than stellar outing from the franchise. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (1995) - Watched 4/9/21. I don't even know where to begin with this miserable mess of a movie. There is no story, no characters, and no reason to watch. The director's idea of entertainment is lots of nudity and people rolling around on one another. It's not good. Check out my full review here. 

Witchcraft VIII: Salem's Ghost (1996) - Watched 4/9/21. This isn't a good movie but in the context of the Witchcraft franchise it is a classic. There is an attempt at telling a coherent story and while we get the requisite naughty scenes it doesn't feel like the movie is padded with them. Again not wonderful but much better than what we had been getting. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh (1997) - Watched 4/10/21. Well not to make a joke but I'm bitter about this one. The previous entry gave me some hope that the filmmakers would at least try and do something different as the series continued. Instead they brought back the director from Judgment hour who brought back the dead character of William and managed to make a flick that is even worse than they did before. Damn it to Hell! Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (1998) - Watched 4/11/21. The franchise seems to have ditched William and moved the action to London. These are good things as maybe they can get the franchise reset and away from the loop of crap they have been in since... well... the beginning. But no they decide to bring one character with them and that is played by the worst actress in the previous installment, which is saying something. Toss in some bi-sexual vampires and yet another summoning to destroy us all for another been there done that recycled dumpster fire. Check out the full review here. 

Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (1999) - Watched 4/12/21. Back to the USA as William and Lutz do battle with evil yet again. This time it involves possession and a creepy drama teacher. Though it is mostly people walking, talking, and rolling around in the sheets. Honestly this series is either terrible or horrible. I've given up hope for anything slightly worth watching. Check out my full review here. 

Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent (2002) - Watched 4/13/21. This is the first movie of the franchise that was made in the new millennium so maybe that means they could have a fresh start! Who am I kidding? They just recycled the same plot of someone trying to complete some sort of summoning that will be bad. And to make things more fun the director and writer is Brad Sykes of Camp Blood infamy. They are really doubling down with the bad in this flick. Check out my full review here. 

Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen (2008) - Watched 4/14/21. So now there are a lot of good guy warlocks running around and they are being picked off one at a time by an evil cult who is stealing their power to do evil stuff. William is back and is the chosen one. If he bangs a specific lady they will have a baby that will rule the world for evil. Why the hell am I watching these movies? Check out my full review here. 

Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death (2016) - Watched 4/15/21. Here we are at the last three entries into the Witchcraft franchise. These are unique as they were all shot at the same time and are supposed to contain a large over arching story line. Think Lord of the Rings only based upon this first movie really shitty. Check out my full review here. 

Witchcraft XV: Blood Rose (2016) - Watched 4/17/21. Toss in a bunch of reused footage with a recycled storyline and the desire to immediately return the angel of death plot line from the previous movie and you have... another crappy movie. Seriously this franchise can't be over soon enough for me. Check out my full review here. 

Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven (2016) - Watched 4/17/21. So I guess they decided to get creative with this movie. The actors from the earlier movies appear in this movie as actors in a movie that the shooting of is the central plot of this movie. It gets confusing and honestly I'm just glad that this is finally over. Check out my full review here. 

That is it. I hope you all heed my warning and stay far away from these Witchcraft flicks. I've seen a lot of crappy movies in my years but nothing comes close to these. This is without a doubt the worst franchise in cinematic history. 

Beaks: The Movie (1988)

 

It was only a matter of time until I got around to covering Beaks: The Movie here at the site. It is notoriously bad, and this might shock you, but I’ve never watched it until now. Things kick off with some cheesy eighty’s music and footage of a landfill. Human beings have wrecked the environment and it seems that his has pissed off the birds. We also get to see people doing some skeet shooting only with real birds being released and blasted away. I don’t think that this was special effects either. One strike against the movie.

How do I know that the birds are angry? Well, they take down an airplane, pluck a dude’s eye out, doves peck a chicken farmer and his wife to death, and from the various bodies that are lying around the sets. The best sequence is a bird of prey, I think it was a hawk, taking down a hand glider! All of these are done with practical effects work and I guess look okay. Except for some occasional ocular violence, it is all rather tame. That is strike two against the movie.

Most of the story is us following a couple of journalists trying to track down the story. They are played by Michelle Johnson of Waxwork fame and Christopher Atkins who is best known from the Blue Lagoon. Neither of these actors are given much to do by writer/director Rene Cardona Jr. as this is basically a lame rehashing of Hitchcock’s the Birds. Other characters beyond our leads sort of appear and disappear as needed. Some to die and others to be terrorized by the birds. All in all I wasn’t sure what the story was supposed to be or who our main characters are. No one is really developed or at all engaging.

This makes for an odd movie to watch. I was never quite sure what was important and what was just padding. I do know that the stock footage of birds flying is padding and is used to make it seem like there are a lot of them. Also, when the actors are in scenes with them it is clear that all the birds want to do is get away from them. That doesn’t make them too scary. Hitchcock used puppets and composite shots to at least make us think the characters were in danger. No such luck here.  The eighty-seven-minute runtime feels long and is at times a chore to get thru. That is strike three for the movie.

So, I’m clearly not going to recommend this, right? Well, here is where my review is going to get a bit confusing. Beaks: The Movie is a horrible mess that doesn’t make a lick of sense. From start to the ending that is basically a nonending, nothing is explained or resolved it’s clear that Cardona had no idea what he wanted to do with the script. That said I suppose that the cinematic masochist in me feels like movie fans, especially horror fans need to see movies like this. Despite the flaws and eye rolling there were times that I kind of enjoyed it. I know that makes no sense, but isn’t’ that appropriate for this movie?

Consider this lukewarm recommendation to come with some caveats. This isn’t a good movie. It is slow at times. And we movie nerds need to be able to say that we have seen it. Wear it like a badge of honor… I know I will.

 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer

 

The Conjuring 2 (2016)

I watched the first one and enjoyed it, so I figured I needed to check more of these Conjuring movies out. This first sequel has Ed and Loraine investigating the Amityville house, which I’m guessing most of us are familiar with. She is doing a séance and is trying to figure out if DeFeo was under the influence of a demon when he killed his family. Here we get to see that creepy Nun for what I think is the first time in the series. After some spooky stuff they leave, and Loraine asks that they take a break from investigating for a while. This is because she was given a vision of Ed impaled by a tree branch in what she thinks is a glimpse of a future she wants to avoid. 

Then we get to the meat of the story. There is a family in England where a single mom is trying to raise her four children. One of them starts messing around with a Ouija board and before you know it, they have ghost issues. Things get very bad and eventually the church asks Ed and Loraine to check it out. There are concerns that it is all fake and the church wants nothing to do with a hoax. So, the pair head to London and move in with the family. For a big chunk of the movie there are legitimate questions as to the validity of the events. But eventually they figure out that the ghost is a red herring and that the supposed haunting is being manipulated by a demon. The same creepy demonic nun that Loraine saw in the Amityville house. 

I don’t want to go any further and give away spoilers. Much like my first review I need to point out that I understand the Warrens, Ed and Loraine, have people who believe them and those who thing they were fakers. I’m not here to debate that, I’m here to review a movie. Additionally, there are pretty good sources that say the events in this movie make them seem a lot more involved in this real life haunting than they were. I don’t really care as I’m watching the Conjuring 2 as if it were just fiction. With that out of the way let’s get to my review. 

Like the first Conjuring this movie keeps a lot of action coming at the audience. It creates and maintains a creepy vibe that it sustains for most of the runtime. I did think that it drags a bit while getting the two storylines of the tormented family and the Warrens together. But there is enough good stuff that even when it meanders a bit, they manage to grab your attention again. There is a lot of frightening events in the movie including a swing moving by itself, pounding on the door, a gag with a firetruck that was very good, the reflection of an old man in a television screen, as well as the demonic nun popping in here and there. 

When the Conjuring 2 is subtle like the gags listed above it is great. Unfortunately, it has a reoccurring scare with the crooked man. This is a character that comes to life out of a child’s toy and stomps around the house. It looks very much like a movie monster and reminded me I was watching a movie. When this and the original film are at their best, they make you feel like the events were close enough to reality to have actually occurred. That is very creepy, but this monster ruins that every time it shows up on screen. I found this to be a bummer. 

I have to say I liked this movie. There are a few jump scares and that old man yelling “This is my House” is enough to stick in my brain. In the end the Conjuring 2 is a good sequel that while not as fun or scary as the original still makes me want to watch more. Again, I’m very late to the Conjuring series but so far I dig it. 

© Copyright 2021 John Shatzer