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I thought I'd kick the new year off with another movie marathon. I thought it was time to check out a few old school mystery flicks. Som...

Monday, August 17, 2020

Ice Sharks (2016)


More movie reviews and more sharks! They seem to go hand in hand lately so when I noticed this bad boy pop up on my Amazon Prime list, I knew I had to check it out. So many questions needed answered. Are these sharks made of ice. Do they lurk at weddings as strange sculptures waiting to pounce? I NEED TO KNOW!

The movie starts off with a guy hunting a polar bear, or at least the stock footage of one. His dog sled gets too close to the edge of the ice flow and a shark jumps out eating his dogs and then him. Later some people go to investigate the missing hunter and they get too close to the edge and also almost get eaten. Then the sharks attack the research station that is also sitting next to the edge of the water and cut it loose so that it eventually sinks. I mean it totally is watertight, so they don’t die right away. That means the survivors must keep trying more and more complicated ways to escape that involve them swimming outside and getting eaten. Eventually they are rescued the end.

This is an Asylum movie and it is terrible. You get the same bad acting and thin story that most Asylum movies hit you with on a regular basis. Characters do dumb things and the cast trips over poorly written dialogue all while stuck in the middle of absurd situations. Seriously guys just stay away from the edge of the water and you will be okay! The sharks can’t walk… at least they haven’t made that movie yet.

The movie has a lot of very bad CGI as all the creature effects and gore is digital, and not even well-done work at that. It appears they had the same models that they just kept inserting in scene after scene. The live action stuff with the cast doesn’t match the digital work and is very distracting. The kills are basically the footage of the cast member with a digital shark superimposed over it as if they are being eaten… thru the bottom of the shark! The only time they try something practical is with a God-awful bit involving a severed leg that looks like they grabbed a ham off of the craft services table. Which begs the question does the Asylum feed their cast? As I’ve already mentioned all of the above is to be expected when sitting down to watch a movie from the Asylum so that isn’t my biggest issue with the movie.

What I didn’t expect from Ice Sharks is for it to be so damn boring. Even if these movies are bad, they can still be entertaining by tossing a bunch of silliness at the screen. Here we get nothing. The first part of the movie is them wandering too close to the water and getting attacked. The second half is them swimming out of the sunken building trying their increasingly complicated escape plans only to be eaten. Things are so repetitive and joyless that I found myself watching the clock hoping for this to be over. And yes, I stuck to the end. Make my sacrifice mean something and skip Ice Sharks. Not recommended.

Ó Copyright 2020 John Shatzer

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