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Monday, January 21, 2019

Skeleton Man (2004)

One of the reasons that I write reviews is to hopefully warn my fellow fans away from awful movies. Let me take the hit and save you from cinematic Hell. You are probably wondering why I’m starting off this review with that statement. Actually, I suppose you already have a good idea.

A scientist guy disturbs an ancient burial ground and is on the phone talking to someone about how he found the skull of the big chief. Then someone in a Halloween costume of the grim reaper drops thru the ceiling and kills him. Then there is some more killing. Then there are some army guys, who get killed. Then some more army guys show up undercover (this is Rooker’s team) and they get killed. Then there is some action at a chemical plant with the Halloween costumed grim reaper who is supposed to be an Indian… I think? Anyway, he attacks it and our hero has to blow up/electrocute him.

Michael Rooker is in this! He is cool. That is the last good thing I have to say about Skeleton Man. This movie sucks. The damn thing is a bunch of people walking around in what is supposed to be deep into the woods. At least until it is convenient for it not to be, but I’ll talk about that later. They wander around getting picked off one at a time until most of them are dead. In spite of shooting the creature point blank with machine guns they keep trying instead of taking cover. Just stand or crouch in one spot until it gets you isn’t a very good plan. Worst army guys ever! Okay to be fair some of them are girls too.

They made zero effort with the creature
So that is most of the movie. Except for two sequences where one of the army dudes runs away for like five minutes and finds a truck stop where he steals a truck and then tries to run down the Indian/Grim Reaper. Wait weren’t they supposed to be deep in the woods since they had to spend a couple of days hiking in? I’m guessing that they had some footage of a truck exploding and wanted to reuse it. Of course, none of the others noticed the noise of the truck stop or the giant explosion… in spite of being a five minute walk from their camp! The finale finds our two survivors stepping out of the woods next to the chemical plant surrounded by the fire and police departments. Again, in the middle of nowhere! It becomes clear that they had some more footage to reuse of a giant explosion with a helicopter and the hero from that movie hanging off of a rope ladder.

The killer is no better. It is supposed to be an Indian sprit but looks like a cheap ass grim reaper costume that your drunk uncle would wear to a Halloween party. Okay that might be too specific but check out the picture. It is pretty damn shitty looking. Do I sound angry? Well I did waste an hour and a half of my life on Skeleton Man, so I have a right to be. Not going to waste anymore on it. Skip this movie. For the love of God make my sacrifice mean something!

© Copyright 2019 John Shatzer

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