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Saturday, April 10, 2021

Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (1995)

Before you start reading this review is part of a larger marathon that I’m doing where I watch all sixteen of the Witchcraft movies in a row. I may reference those so check out the following link to start at the beginning. If you have already done that then enjoy my misery. 

It seems as if the writers tried to mix things up this time. Instead of warlocks or Satanists trying to summon the Devil we have a vampire trying to take over the world’s blood supply thru a corporate merger. Um… okay it is certainly different. The movie starts with that vampire draining a girl at a party. She dies and comes back as a vampire in the hospital. That seems awfully careless of a character that is supposed to be five hundred years old. 

At the hospital is our old pal William the warlock who realizes that something isn’t right. He calls detectives Lutz and Garner who stop by in time for the dead woman to sit up on the slab and proceed to kick their asses. They head off in pursuit and find her chowing down on an unfortunate jogger in the park. There is a fight and William runs a stake thru her heart “out of instinct”. I guess he has forgotten about his power again. Also, the detectives are totally against the idea of vampires despite having already seen shit that proved the supernatural exists. Stuff happens and the vampire is staked but not before something shocking happens! William is killed which is why I think that the movie had the stinger “The Final Chapter”. If only that were true. 

Why did they keep making these movies? The filmmakers here certainly weren’t trying to tell a story or develop characters. My only guess is that these flicks could be rented to horny teenage boys who weren’t old enough to get behind the magic curtain aka. the adult section. Yes boys and girls before the internet one had to actually either purchase or rent your porn. And really that is all this movie is aspiring to be a softcore porn. While never explicit we get scene after scene of naked people, mostly ladies, rolling around on one another or solo. The actresses disrobe almost immediately, and dialogue is rushed to get to the simulated naughty stuff. Even the music is reminiscent of the sort of crap you would hear in a porno… or so I’ve been told. 

Before you think I’m being harsh let me explain a few things. The story is paper thin. Vampire wants to do vampire stuff, William gets in the way, and lots of naked ladies. That’s it in a nutshell. When the characters do have their clothes on we see them random sword practice, board meetings, and phone calls. This movie also has zero kills and gore with the best you can hope for is some store-bought costume teeth and a trickle of blood. The one big effect they try is when the vampire turns into a bat or some shit like that. It is rubbery and looks awful. 

A few other random things. William is played this time by David Byrnes, who was in Intruder. I’d much rather be watching that. Also, inexplicably they not only recast Lutz but gender swapped the character who is now a woman. Why not just make a new character and not confuse us? Well, that would have required someone who knew how to write a script so never mind. Finally, I just felt creepy watching this movie. Not because of the nudity but because of the incessant zoom in close up shots of panties. 

This is by far the worst of the lot so far and if you have read my other reviews, you know how big of a deal that is. My optimism of finding a watchable movie in this franchise is beginning to wane but I shall carry on. 


Next up is Witchcraft VIII: Salem’s Ghost


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